Everything you knew if you grew up in West London

London – home to stony-faced Beefeaters, tea-drinking builders and punk counter-culture is, I’m proud to say where I grew up, it’s my city, and no one can take that away from me.

I moved to America and it’s just not the same. I miss people shouting in my face for no reason, persistent rain and unique Londoners.

Growing-up in such a large city is a challenge at times but it’s what helped me develop as an individual. I wouldn’t call myself especially patriotic – I’ve never even been to the North of England – but if there’s a word for London patriotism then I’ll proudly call myself by that name.

Your football allegiance says a lot about you

Chelsea supporter? Odds are that you come from new money and a nice postcode. If you’re an Arsenal fan a.k.a ‘a Gunner’, chances are that you hate Tottenham and vice versa. West Ham fans are cockney and proud. Word of advice, don’t step into any team’s local pubs wearing another team’s kit. Did you hear what happened at the France Euro Cup this summer? Football is a dangerous game.

20 degrees is an acceptable temperature to be in bikinis in the Park

It’s not a myth that the British don’t feel the cold. Come ‘summer’, it’s always entertaining to see the quintessential Britishness of Hyde Park, home to bronze sculptures of Lords on grand steeds, a marble Queen Elizabeth and Kensington Palace invaded by men and women sprawled on the grass in swimming trunks and bikinis respectively. People even queue to swim in the murky waters of the Lido, filled with goose faeces and algae, for fun…

If you wanted to be popular at 13, Hyde park was the place to be on a weekend

No one likes to admit it now but Hyde Park was a mess of scantily-clad girls and boys in American Apparel hoodies – of every colour. We’ve all grown up (well, most of us) but taking pictures of your friends drinking and smoking, even people who really weren’t your friends, was a rite of passage most of us don’t want to re-visit.

Half of the people you see dressed like gangsters actually have trust funds and go to Eton

Bucket hats, old-school Nike or Adidas trainers and unflattering sunglasses (even on a night out) is so popular with the mega-rich that they’ve even made designer brands for them. Palace and Supreme I’m talking about you.

The mystery that is Made in Chelsea.

There are so many things us Londoners love to hate. Made in Chelsea is one of them. How many of you sneak off to watch it, ditching your friends at the pub? It’s the T.V series that manages to be simultaneously uneventful and completely gripping.

Do you watch it to feel better about yourself? Do you watch it so that you can get that small thrill of seeing a cast member at Joe and the Juice in the flesh? Even better, do you watch it to take the piss out of everyone in it? If you answer no to any of these questions and are just watching it for sheer pleasure, please get a life.

Taking an Uber is like wielding a knife into the heart of a cabbie

No one takes the phenomenon of Uber more personally than the cabbie. Black Cab drivers take their job seriously, it’s a two year course to become a driver, in which you have to study the nooks and crannies of London down to the most minute detail.

That being said, Ubers are cheaper and more convenient – even if the guy (or girl) in front of the wheel has to follow the GPS religiously to get you to the destination. The taxi wars continue.

If you live in Notting Hill expect your house to be pissed on every August bank holiday weekend

August bank holiday weekend is the most riotous of the year. If you live near Notting Hill Carnival and your house isn’t being egged or your front garden being pissed in, you’re probably struggling to keep out the group of completely wasted strangers that your friend brought along. Despite the violence and crime, the policemen are there for photo-ops more than anything else.

London pub culture is a big deal now we’re all grown-up

We did Westfield. High Street Ken is a thing of the past. It was only natural that with a real ID came the long evenings of pints and cigs at the pub. But it’s not London without heavy stereotypes associated with each one.

You’re either afraid of The Earl of Lonsdale because of the sheer number of people you know in the overcrowded garden or you embrace it with loving arms. You go to The Slug on a Wednesday because the music is horrifically good and there is great entertainment value in seeing your roadman friends get down to Kelly Clarkson. Or you avoid either like the plague and settle for a quaint inn, that’s not overpopulated by rowdy young adults, and proudly call it your own.

If you’re from London then your sense of direction is on point

There is no grid-system in London. It is the biggest city in Europe but one cannot simply find a destination with the instructions “go to 37 and O street.” Destinations are memorized by tube stops, landmarks and park names.