The telltale signs of an FSU fuckboy

‘You up?’

I say this with complete confidence: Florida State breeds fuckboys. And I don’t say that to be rude in any way – please, live your merry fuckboy lives – but if you say they aren’t embedded into the culture of our beloved college town, you’re either naïve or a liar.

A fuckboy can be defined in a lot of ways. From a guy you met at the bar, to your FWB, to the guy you’ve been talking to for almost a year but who’s “afraid of commitment” (news flash, we all are), fuckboys come in all shapes and sizes.

If you’re not sure whether or not you’ve been dealing with a fuckboy, keep reading. After doing extensive research on the subject (thank God for Tinder), I feel more than qualified to be your resident fuckboy expert. Your resident Fuckboy-ologist, if you will.

He turns his phone upside down when you’re together

We’ve all seen this one, it’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re having a casual conversation and, wait, did he just ever-so-subtly flip his phone screen down? As if I give a shit what’s on it. I am fully aware I’m not the only girl you’ve sent a shirtless Snapchat to today.

He ‘doesn’t like’ public displays of affection

The most fun you’ll ever have in the club is being with someone you just can’t take your hands off of. You’re out with your friends, and he happens to walk by. You wrap your arms around him, wanting to flirt or dance, but he shimmiess away because he “doesn’t like PDA.” We’re literally at Pot’s where no one could give half of a shit less, but yet you refuse to touch me. Strike two.

He asks you to The Strip

This one needs no explanation. The only people who go to The Strip are fuckboys and freshmen.

He won’t let you put him on your Snapchat

In fear of turning up on an “unwarranted” Snapchat story. The line “I hate being Snapchatted” is an outright lie. Everyone loves being Snapchatted. If you can seriously say you haven’t wanted to be on the FSU Snapchat story you’re a dirty liar. Newsflash, it’s 2016, we Snapchat everything. You aren’t special.

The  majority of his texts come after midnight

I don’t know how many times a single person can send a text after midnight and not get the hint when there isn’t a response. I’m either sleeping or ignoring you, but either way, if you haven’t received a text back from me in months, I think it’s safe to say I’m incredibly uninterested.

He texts you back six hours later with only emojis or an ‘lol’

Why? Why even text me back? It’s like you’re trying to turn me off. I’d rather you never texted back at all, than text me with an eggplant emoji and then a “lol”. There is nothing less alluring than that. Brownie points if the the text came in after midnight. Extra brownie points if he’s just left The Strip.

If you’ve gotten to the end of this and your eyes aren’t wide and your fists are unclenched, congratulations, you’re haven’t had the displeasure of dealing with an FSU fuckboy. If you feel the need to pick up your phone and send a few choice words, refrain. A wise woman (on Twitter) once gave me words to live by, that I will now pass on to all of you: Dick is abundant, and low in value.

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