Kindergarteners and college students are the same kind of people
I need my mommy
Kindergarteners and college students could not be more alike. If you thought that pettiness on the playground would be over by now, it’s not. The struggles have just transitioned into more adultesque problems like roommate drama and cliques in your college classes who think they’re “in” with the teacher, and thus the cool kids. Whether they’re feeling creative and in the mood to destroy a kitchen or trying to wake you up at the crack of dawn, these two groups of people are one and the same.
Mornings with them are either blissful or demonic
Kindergarteners: They’re usually still young and naïve enough that they wake up happy and expecting good things out of life. It gets stressful if they’re not cheerful gremlins as soon as they wake up, and if they take going to kindergarten, which is just educational coloring, too seriously.
College Kids: Your college roommate knows that her 10:40am women’s studies class is still too early to force her out of bed, or to force anyone out of bed, for that matter. No matter how many times you wake her up with Starbucks, she will not like you. There is the other kind of roommate though. The kind without a soul, the dreaded “morning person.” The one that turns on her blender at 6:00am to make an organic kale and vanilla lump smoothie as a pre-workout. The one who slams the door on her way out to sprint to her 6:15am cycling class at Student Rec. Count your blessings if your roommate has the perfect mix of cheerful childishness and competent alarm-snoozing skills.
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Being a morning demon is a learned trait, as evidenced by this fitness-first duo.
They need their mothers way too much
Kindergarteners: To be fair, they do have the excuse of being four years old. Needing help from their mothers to get rid of the bully who steals their applesauce is usually a necessity, but it’s better than the people that blow loan money on two-for-one appletinis.
College Kids: Their moms are usually a resource for comfort, food, and money. Students will whine if their mom doesn’t send enough money for unlimited Chipotle guac and wine. So, when a kindergartener asks for help getting rid of the bully who’s been stealing their applesauce, it’s not as bad as that college girl having a tantrum because her step-g-big’s little slurped most of her fishbowl at 101 Cantina. If your roommate stubbornly refuses to take out the recycling for three months, you’ll probably end up calling your mom in despair. Of course, her suggestion to just “talk about it nicely without confrontation” will probably end up in the trash, just like your roommate’s friends’ 17 Smirnoff Ice bottles that you never even got to try. Meanwhile, at least the kindergarteners can reach a resolution if mommy has “a helpful discussion” with the teacher.
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The smile says “Help yourself to some liquid joy with me,” but the look really means, “I will stab you with both lollipops if you get any closer than Instagramming distance.” -Emily Jaalouk
They torture everyone in the house, siblings and roommates alike
Kindergarteners: Begging mom, dad and their teenage sister, “Can I go sleep at Timmy’s house? His mom lets us eat out of the dog bowl” and pissing off every roommate in their 4/3 apartment by allowing their girlfriend to move in are basically the same. The kindergartener’s family and that college dude’s roommates are both so over the invasions of privacy.
College Kids: They beg mom and dad to spend more money so they don’t have to live with their roommate who also used to be their best friend forever two weeks ago. “Ugh, I hate you Tina.”
Why did we live together, again? You know I know you hate me, Tina.
Attempts at cooking turn the kitchen into the battle grounds of a Play-Doh fight
Kindergarteners: Although they have fewer resources for the creation of some mystery cuisine, the crushed up cheerios they eat are basically the same flavor as everything in the dining halls.
College Kids: There’s no reason why a Thanksgiving DIY project of cranberry jelly cocktails for the fam has to turn the kitchen into a murder scene. Thanks, Pinterest.
They need to be rescued with a juice box or liquor when they fail
Kindergarteners: It’s the same tactic used by a working mother who doesn’t want to deal with her kindergartener, who kicked himself in the leg instead of the soccer ball in P.E. Maybe you’d say to just hand the kid some ice cream, but save it for the college kids.
College kids: Going into an all-girl off-campus apartment makes you realize that they’re the ones who seek comfort with an excessive amount of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food on depressing Thursday nights after the Atlantic. When you see that quiet, edgy girl from your physics class crying on the steps outside of Grog, just offer to buy her a drink and she’ll perk right up.
This should suffice for a depressing night for a household of four and those strange neighbors who live next door
They need a nap between classes
Kindergarteners: Their nap is the equivalent of UF’s Good Life class.
College Kids: Why are you trying to text your roommate at 4pm? You know that’s their sacred siesta time. Let them relax after their daily struggle of waking up at 10am, going to one class and coming back to sleep for the next 10 hours. The educational system really goes downhill after kindergarten, considering college kids don’t get the scheduled naps that they deserve between the total of two in-person classes they have on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
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“Just go on without me to college algebra, it’s too bright outside for me to be awake.”
You can’t make the life of a kindergartener or a college student any easier. There’s simply no way around their bizarre behaviors or their constant nagging to their mothers for a cat that they’ll claim they can take care of but really push onto their mothers once they realize that litter boxes don’t clean themselves. To all the college kids out there: never change, you just keep harassing everyone around you until every single one of your needs is met. Really though, enjoy the freedom to be as childish as you please and still be able to get away with it.