An Emory professor told us how to fail your degree
We asked a Maths and CS professor how to pass his course. He told us how to fail
I reached out to Emory professors in a range of departments seeking words of wisdom on how to kill it in their courses this semester. Many professors have been happy to share their golden nuggets of wisdom.
As I was drifting to sleep the “ding ding” of my iPhone alerted me to a new email. In it, professor Ymir Vigfusson asked “How about discussing the converse?”
Normally I’d let nothing but death or an unannounced release of Beyonce’s newest album impede on my precious sleep but I was curious so I kept reading. I wish I could take credit for this open letter of comedic gold but instead I’ll just share it with you all. Enjoy.
How to fail at Emory CS
“Why shoot for the moon when you can stay in bed, watch cartoons and eat the Frosties you found under your pillow?”
To successfully and masterfully fail at Emory CS, the key is to stay maximally demotivated.
Ditch every class (you don’t have time), and start studying for exams as late as you possibly can
Ideally the very morning of the exam. Or maybe even begin the morning after the exam – why do things today that you could do tomorrow?
Think of each CS course as being all work and no play.
Exams are an obligation, not a metric meant to encourage you to catch up on course material. After all it’s not like you’re taking the courses for yourself, since you’re mostly doing it for your parents.
The exam period is wonderful for catching up on movies and Facebook while you study.
Finished a chapter of notes, time for a Britney break!
Multi-tasking is like gold for boosting your learning rates, since it allows you to subconsciously master the exam. Read in your sleep.
Find new ways to stress about exams and the future
Clean your room, alphabetize your books and call that old friend from grade school that you’ve been meaning to call forever. This is perfect timing also to buy new apps and games for your phone, and wipe the dust off of Civilization V.
Invest significant time in considering options for cheating and bypassing the Honor Code
An advantage is only unfair if you don’t have it – and you can’t win if you don’t play!
Neglect taking care of yourself and your body. Cease all exercise and immerse yourself in an unprecedented 24-hour study mode where you live exclusively on a diet of 5-hour energy and Klondike bars (and those weird chips you found under the couch).
Or drop everything and focus only on exercise. In any case, stop sleeping: rest will only slow you down and distract you from your true goals.
Weeks worth of content to internalize in 24 hours… three hours in…
Under no circumstances should you attempt to write programs for yourself or play around with programming your own little projects or engaging by yourself in any of the subjects.
Remember that college is about memorizing concepts just like in high-school: you simply don’t learn by doing
Steer away from tackling any of the hard things that you didn’t get during the course: that ship has sailed and you will never get it.
Those constructive thoughts are also helpful to build the necessary lack of confidence you need to successfully fail.
Confidence is born and innate – all the famous people who claim otherwise are just lying to your face.
And please don’t try to ask for help from anyone when you are stuck
It’s not like the numerous TAs, professors and colleagues in your class are in any way vested to help you succeed.
Those who believe professors genuinely want people to learn and be excited about a subject are irrefutably bonkers
Never forget that your grades are absolutely pivotal: your success in life is determined not by the strong network of colleagues you build in college, by the interest and knowledge you amass in a subject, by the independent projects you take on, by engaging your professors, by the exciting internships you can earn, by visiting office hours to chat or by attending and engaging in your classes.
Your future is completely determined by the exact letter grade that you receive on the final exam
No matter what they tell you: exams are an ends – not a means to an end – and they should remain your one and only goal. (After catching up on Breaking Bad of course). After all, when you’ve passed your exams, you can forget all about the courses!
Good luck! (After all, it’s all about luck)
By the way, should you instead for some reason want to consider an alternative approach, like success, just negate each sentence.
Kind regards,
– Ymir Vigfusson, Asst. Professor in Dept. of Mathematics and Computer Science