This is what the Internet thinks of Emory

More Yelp, less Yik Yak

Browsing internet reviews is usually a pretty helpful way of learning about a place.  A wealth of information from external sources, unbiased reviews of respected establishments…

Until You Google Emory.  Then shit gets weird.

We normally associate Yelp with restaurant reviews or, if you’re from Amy’s Baking Company, haters. But you’ll find quite a few college reviews as well, and Emory’s can get…pretty interesting.

Stephanie S. gives our fair school five stars for being “Most Pretentious,” which in the beauty pageant would be the consolation title you get after you miss the swimsuit portion to read The Bell Jar instead.

Dave K. also gives a five star rating and says, but longs for Emory’s warm, expensive embrace.

His review was posted in 2011 and I’d like to assume that Dave has become a well-adjusted adult who occasionally showers in the WoodPEC locker rooms despite having his own home.

Mensa M. may not have gone to Emory, but she gives us five stars. Despite the fact that Mensa’s scheme is an expensive way to do laundry, we won’t judge.

Particularly because she documented a time when the DUC had fun plates and exceptional-looking grilled cheese.

Next, wehave Michael B., who gave Emory four stars. As a fellow English major, this is the goodest statement about our college.

He specifies that he got an undergraduate degree, which I assume means he went on to grad school and is now teaches English full time.

He couldn’t possibly be a STEM major having a dig at the humanities, right? Keep successing, Michael.

Of course, these wonderful reviews aren’t restricted to the world of Yelp. This college sophomore on Niche seems disillusioned by Emory’s class registering system.

Apparently, nobody here is taking a class that they wanted. It’s all part of a mass conspiracy to make sure you completely waste your time here.

One student on Cappex (quite possibly the same as the Niche student) is just DONE. He paints the picture of this school as an endless torment with “OK” dorm life.

I suspect he is trying to get out of academia with his incredible mixtape titled “SKIP CLASS, WONT PASS.”

And then we have another Niche reviewer who gets to the real issues here at Emory – where’s the football team?

I know when I looked at colleges, I was deeply concerned about school spirit and how much of the school’s funding was used on a professional-grade stadium for watching men crash into each other for five seconds at a time. And it’s not like there are a bunch of top-notch schools that offer football right? Nope.

I’ll tell you why Emory is slipping in the rankings, people – no football team.

Hopefully, Emory will stay strong in the face of such criticism.

Maybe, one day, we will be in the top 20 again and have nothing but glowing five star reviews.

We’re just a football team away, world.

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