A letter to the Class of 2019

Dear class of 2019,

Get ready for Duke… Actually, you know what? It’s more like Duke, get ready for the Class of 2019.

First semester is at a closing and our reputation as the class of psychopaths has already been branded.

Words to describe the Class of 2019 (a little differently than Guttentag would define us):

• Pyromaniacs
• Kleptomaniacs
• Vandalism and bigotry designers
• Egg throwers
• Bench flippers
• Pumpkin smashers
• RA brawlers and write up champions
• Silver medalists in EMS

Shall we discuss exactly why we have earned these names? I think we should.

Giles dorm – The most extreme case of freshmen insanity

Is it that the entire dorm is compiled of rowdy crazies or that the dorm is simply blessed with a couple extreme cases? We are yet to find out, but one thing we can say is that Giles dorm is up there in the least controlled dorms in our lil’ ol’ Durham history.

Giles started the bench flipping wars of East Campus. The dorm has also been decorated in excessive toilet paper, and to truly define themselves, they have nicely “egged the dorm” (the evidence of which the public was not given permission to view).

A fire was attempted in this dorm with the placement of a fire extinguisher in a running dryer – the execution done by the pyro of Randolph (which we will discuss further later on).

Giles has consequently been on daily lockdowns, only allowing residents to enter the notorious doors.

Randolph: the clan of pyromaniacs

More than 10 fire alarms have gone off over the semester, normally occurring  between 1am and 4am. Five alarms went off just over the week of November 15. One was legitimate, two were malfunctions with the alarms due to constant meddling, and the other two were pulled.

The legitimate fire was started by a student putting a pizza box in a running dryer, ruining $600 worth of a student’s clothing, who the assaulter had a personal vendetta against.

The student responsible for the fire extinguisher and pizza box fires, in addition to many of the fire alarm pullings has been removed from our campus. When searching through his room, rumor has it, Duke and Durham police discovered excess arson… WTF 2019.

Gilbert-Addoms: the brothel, the RA brawlers, the kleptomaniacs

In previous years this dorm has been known as “the coke ring” and home to our own porn star. To continue on with this legacy GA has been referred to as Duke’s brothel.

 

This dorm’s reputation is in no way done there. GA has started wars against their RAs taking their issues up to the administration.

GA has struggled to keep track of common room furniture, signage, and the mechanic exit signs .

After Halloween, the stench of GA was almost unbearable due to rotting smashed pumpkins.

Beyond the individual dorms having problems, the entire class itself seems to have some delinquencies in common.

Pumpkin smashing

This phenomena is not unique to GA.

Post Halloween, East Campus was and still is crowded with rotting, smashed pumpkins.

Our class has the beautiful title of the write up champions of all time – truly something to be proud of. In addition, 2019 has been awarded silver medalists in EMS incidents in Duke’s history.

The following letter is one familiar with many members of the freshmen class:

Bench flipping wars

There is not that much to say about this phenomena, it is just kind of weird.

Individual resident halls have uniqued in effort to attack neighboring dorms in the form of bench flipping.

This war has reached the extent where administration has had to get involved.

Similar emails were sent to all neighborhoods and the threat was dropped: if it keeps up our precious benches bill be removed.

So, what’s the deal freshmen? (The question the rest of the university is asking…)

Is our tumultuous arrival to Duke truly us or just fantastic timing with campus life and our arrival? Only time will tell…

In the meantime, we must claim responsibility for the actions of our class. Learn to acknowledge them, grow from them, and laugh.

I hope our time at Duke is swell and the rest of campus can try to accept us for who we are.

With much love,

A fellow crazy