What Ted Cruz’s ‘sex scandal allegations’ mean for his campaign

The headline you never thought you’d read

You may have not heard yet, since major news sources are awaiting evidence from ongoing private investigations, but America’s second favorite conservative Tea Party ideologue and most favorite boogie eater, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, may be the center of America’s latest political sex scandal.

If you thought (and probably hoped) you’d never see the headline, “Ted Cruz sex scandal,” you’re not alone. With a face neurologists have called creepy and unsettling, and political beliefs regarding sexual and marital relations that even Dick Cheney might consider too far right, it’s hard to believe Ted could convince someone to have intercourse with him, or that he would do something that stands so harshly in opposition to his religious ideology.

Ted has denied the allegations even faster than he denied evidence of climate change, but the National Enquirer reports that Ted has had at least five different mistresses.

Without results from the ongoing private investigations, we can’t make any conclusions yet. Only time will tell – will Ted cruise past the scandal, or is (as Trump puts it) Lyin’ Ted Cruz really just one big fat mess?

More
Dartmouth