I went cold turkey during midterms

‘Tis the season when Hunterites rip their hair out over textbooks, pull all-nighters and scream in anguish before entering lecture halls and classrooms.

Midterm season. All the festive and joyous three weeks of it.

On top of studies and cramming, a typical Hunter student may also balance a job or internship and a social life, not to mention trying to fit in a couple of hours to sleep and commute to and from Hunter.

I have a scholarship, am currently taking four classes and have a midterm in German 202 this Thursday – the class I am least confident in. I am a co-editor at The Tab Hunter. I also intern on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays at a political strategy firm.  In addition, despite being an ambivert, I find myself in situations that bring forth my extroverted side practically every day. I can say I have a solid social life, and end up at a party or two every weekend.

However, balancing all of that came to me at a cost. On a typical work-day, I sleep 4-5 hours a night, drink 3-4 cups of coffee throughout the day, and smoke a pack of Marlboro Lights.

I have found myself wanting for a while to have some peace and quiet, and to get my body back into balance. My coffee-and-cigarettes habit led to a loss of appetite, and a massive increase in mood swings and anxious behavior. Some of my personal relationships have suffered severely as a result. I have been rushing to-and-fro trying to balance a social life, work, school, and time for my own sake – all on very low energy. Last week, I experienced a terrifying panic attack out of nowhere.

So, to get it all together, as a test of personal strength and integrity, and because I truly like a good challenge, I’ve decided to quit smoking and drinking coffee during this work-week. To make things even more striking, I decided to go vegan too. I felt like it would complement the whole health kick.

And yes. During a Midterm week.

I smoked my last cigarette at 12.10am, crushed the rest of the pack, and threw it into the garbage.

Monday – Descent into madness

I’ve quit smoking and coffee cold turkey before, and know how bad the first day or two can be. I was that awkward immobile person moving at 2mph on the always-packed 6 train this morning. I almost walked into a fire hydrant. German class – the review class before the Thursday midterm – was a bit hazy, even though I took copious notes. Everything was incredibly slow until around 2pm, when I was at work and finally had lunch – a giant salad that cost $11.10. It’s disheartening to see actually healthy food cost more than, say, a burger or sandwich you can get for $5+tax.

Instead of coffee, I drank a bottle of water, a cup of green tea, a cup of black tea, and half of a 32oz bottle of Bolthouse Green Goodness. All before 2pm.

Usually after work ends – at 4.30pm – I’d head up to Hunter or Union Square to see my friends or go to a cafe and read for a bit. For the first time this semester, I went straight home after work because I was that tired. The ever-present smell of coffee and cigarette smoke would both annoy me and send me reeling into a craving.

When I came home, I made a stew out of fried vegetables. It was the first time I cooked anything other than breakfast in months (my mother does the cooking, but for once I was home earlier than my parents), and it felt amazing to make your own food the way you want it. The vegans whom I know can get really creative when it comes to cooking. I got more curious about what I could come up with in the next couple of days.

Tuesday – Dazed and confused

The night before, I told my parents I decided to go vegan for five days. I thought they’d freak out — we’re Ukrainian, and all of our food is basically meat-based. On the contrary, my mother asked me what to get and came back with a bunch of vegan salads, spinach rolls, hummus and almond milk. I took a tupperware with three of the salads and a spinach roll to Hunter for lunch.

With three hours to kill between a meeting and class, I went to the library and tried to study for the German midterm. I ended up taking two naps, going on a walk to Central Park, and zoning out because it was difficult to concentrate. I didn’t crave a cigarette or a cup of coffee for some reason, and I knew that this lack of focus would last a bit longer. But I needed to focus now.

However, despite feeling like I just woke up all day, I felt peaceful. The overthinking and being constantly hyper-focused had stopped. My brain wasn’t a hurricane, but a calm river on a sunny day. I didn’t want to constantly interact with people and be all over the place. I felt calm.This is what was worth it all.

I didn’t take it for granted though. It was only the second day, and I had three more to go before the end of the experiment. And the German midterm was still two days away.

Wednesday – Light at the end of the tunnel

I have been sleeping for 8-9 hours every night this past week, and started to feel the benefits when I woke up on Wednesday. I was still feeling just a bit hazy, but had to rush because I overslept and had to be at a modeling shoot at 1pm for Hunter’s fashion magazine.

I showed up at 1.45pm, and the shoot was done by 3.30. We were shooting outside, and I realized I got my sense of smell back. However, I was quietly panicking because I was thinking of all of the studying I would have to fit in by 5.35— the start of a class — and that maybe this shoot would’ve packed an extra punch if I had a cigarette in between my fingers…

I quickly ate a salad, and went to the library. My friend asked me how it was all going, and it hit me then and there that I was actually doing amazing. I could feel myself glow. My eyes looked happier. I was smiling for no reason. The wave of calm was still flowing over me from yesterday.

The two hours of studying German went by quickly – because I could actually concentrate. Usually after a coffee and a cigarette, I’d sit down and proceed to hyper-focus on whatever book, text or essay that is in front of me.

I was doing just that without anything now.

Thursday – Midterm. But wait, there’s more.

I slept for 4 hours because I was cramming for the German midterm until 3am and woke up at 7. The class was at 9:45. I got there, took the midterm, gave it in with 25 minutes left to spare and walked out.

Work was particularly dreary that day. I returned to Hunter and tried to resolve a dispute with a dear friend. After that, I rushed to cover an art installation for a future article, skipping class in the process. As I went to Gregory’s Coffee to get a cup of tea before heading home, I saw a reporter was having trouble uploading a piece, prompting a longer stay.

By 8pm, a long day was done – yet, I didn’t feel tired. I felt full of energy on those 4 hours of sleep, something like what I’d feel for 20 minutes after a coffee and a cigarette. Except this lasted all through the day.

The only thing that caught me off guard was a sudden, intense craving for the house burger from Bedford Falls. I made it my mission to get through Friday and enjoy one at the end of the workweek at 4:30pm.

Friday – Done

The day before, all I could think about was the burger. However, at work, when offered fried chicken, I didn’t care much about it anymore. Sure, it smelled good, and looked good and all that. But it didn’t really matter. The craving was gone, and I felt completely fine and alert. The 8 hours of sleep helped too.

I set the end of the experiment for 4.30pm, the time I get off work.

I met Ilya at Bedford Falls, got a drink and ordered the house burger. Despite not caring earlier in the day about anything that’s not a plant, it was probably the best burger I’ve ever tasted in that moment.

Epilogue

I used to smoke a pack and drink 3-4 cups of coffee a day to feel normal and alert in the face of stress. I started because I thought it would keep my anxious behavior at bay, and would help me concentrate better at my work and tasks. It did at first.

As time passed, it quickly turned into the opposite. The state of almost-constant withdrawal was causing me to think unclearly, overreact and think that everything was working against me. I was on edge all of the time. It took a severe panic attack and screwing up relationships with my family and a few people who are dear to me because of how volatile I was to make me consider that I should try something else. If it was just affecting me, I wouldn’t have cared as much. When it started affecting those I consider close, I knew I had to cut it out.

I can say that I feel calmer and more focused. Of course I can never reach the hyper-alert state all of the time as I would before, but I feel naturally focused and present almost all of the time. When I look in the mirror, the signs of stress on my face are mostly gone.

The vegan diet helped too. I used to not understand how people could survive on it, but it’s doable. I also sympathize with the vegans who try to get healthy food in the city, and have to pay significantly higher prices for something as simple as a salad or a smoothie. Even in fast-food joints, a salad costs more than a basic burger or fries. That’s ridiculous.

In preparation for covering the protest on Saturday, I decided to drink a cup of coffee on the train to Manhattan. I drank it slowly and actually savored it, instead of downing it within a minute. It did very little in terms of giving me a boost, but it tasted delicious. While covering the march, I bummed a cigarette off a bystander and smoked it. It tasted like crap, and just put me in a tense mood for an hour as I wrote the article.

After a five-day cleanse, I’m eating a healthier diet, understand that sleep is a priority and treat coffee like something to be savored and enjoyed. I quit smoking. I feel happier, more relaxed, and in control.

It’s never a bad time to focus on self-improvement. And yes, even during a Midterm week.