CU Boulder guys are the least romantic humans on earth

Walking out of class yesterday, I overheard two guys talking about how they, “wanted to be single until they were 30,” because “one night stands were just too much fun.” This reminded me of just how incredibly wonderful and romantic the men at CU Boulder are. Boulder is most definitely the place where you could find your soulmate, bonding over a slice of Cosmos pizza, realizing how much you love listening to them talk about how many times they have blacked out.

The eligible bachelors who can actually hold an intelligent conversation at CU Boulder are few and far between, and also are very hard to find. More commonly you’ll find your average fraternity man, or any man really, who is highly intoxicated Wednesday through Sunday, and who truly believes that the peak of his life was at his spring frat formal, or the large dayger they threw on St. Patrick’s Day.

For your entertainment, here are some real first-hand experiences women at CU Boulder have had with our ever-so great male population.

Enticing you to come spend the night with Boss Lady pizza 

Asking you to Venmo them the money for the Uber they got you so you could come spend the night at their house 

Walking you to the Buff Bus stop so they don’t have to drive you five minutes to your dorm 

Asking you to set them up with your best friend after you slept with them last weekend

Insisting that you come find them at the Rocky Mountain Showdown, just to find that they passed out drunk five minutes after they texted you 

Giving you a t-shirt from another sorority’s formal to sleep in for the night 

Asking you if you want their ex’s necklace that she left at his house a week ago 

Trying to let you down easy while still trying to get the one thing they want 

Taking you to Japango and repeatedly telling you that you should, “feel special because they never take anyone to a dinner this nice” 

Telling you that you should come study at Norlin with him, and then sitting at a different table than you 

Asking you to come out with them every night, and really not getting the hint 

Still, really not getting the hint, and then trying to guilt you with disappointment

 

Kindly allowing you to split their Brandon from Bova’s with them after a night out 

Lending you their ex-girlfriend’s ID that she left at their house so that you can get into Sancho’s 

Inviting you to their formal in Aspen and then quickly revoking their offer 

Inviting you to go hike Chataqua and then showing up with four of his frat brothers expecting that you were bringing friends too 

Inviting you to a mixer their fraternity is having with a different sorority 

Assuming that when you invite them to your formal, you two will be spending the night together 

 

The screenshots and first-hand experiences can speak for themselves, but if you didn’t already get the takeaway, CU Boulder is maybe not exactly the best place to come looking for love. Sko Buffs, though!