How to make friends at Columbia

Everyone knows that all Columbia students show up to campus equipped with the über-talkative ENFJ personality type, nimbly exercising their conversational dexterity and entertainment capacity for hours on end discussing only the most Pertinent and Relatable politics and sharing in only the most uproarious humor, not impressing each other with their esoteric and startling knowledge of tedious and irrelevant things like The Early Childhood of Noam Chomsky or The Ins and Outs of Pokemon “films.”

But even Cool Seniors admit that they had a few hard days during NSOP when they had no idea what they were doing – and worse yet no idea what they were supposed to be doing.

A few months into The Columbia Experience, it seems things get easier for those (few, I trust) Columbia students who realize that there are indeed other people who spent just as many hours grinding away at sometimes/somewhat useless high school learning as they did.

Of course, there’s also a sizable population of “cool” people who will only ever be seen smoking and speaking Fluent non-native French Outside of Butler and never pulling the Pathetic 209 All-nighter (plus sleeping in the comfy chairs by the colonial-looking stain glass thing) during their entire four year experience, but those undergrads are presumably cool enough on their own.

You might also find someone vaping in 209 if you look closely.

So: for those first-years among you who are looking for people a little more eccentric-niche like yourself, here’s a smol guide from a few experienced folk who might’ve been in your boat.

Keanu Ross-Cabrera, 21, CC ‘16, Theater, Cleveland, OH

“I’ve always found making intense eye contact with everyone you meet to be a fool-proof strategy. Like non-blinking.”

Sophie Edelhart, 19, BC ‘19, History w/ concentration in War and Revolution, San Fran, CA

“Open a Halal Cart in the Carman Lobby. Be vampire weekend. When there’s an awkward silence in a conversation, bring up that you think Noam Chomsky seems like a pretty cool guy.”

Darnel Theagene, 20, SEAS ‘18, Biomedical Engineering, Hightstown, NJ

“Best way to make friends is to go to Butler library for four or more hours. While there, make sure you tell someone how much work you have left to do.

“You can then spend the rest of your time there talking about how stressed out the both of you are. Note: you don’t actually need to be stressed to do this.”

Lara Karaaslan, 21, CC ’16, Neuroscience, Alfred, NY

“Just save AS MANY seats as you can in Butler 209! When someone inevitably asks you if the seat that’s occupied by a single highlighter and a Columbia Divest flyer is taken, it’ll be the PERFECT opportunity to connect with someone new.

‘Sorry, yeah I’m actually saving it for my friend who will be back next Wednesday but hey! My name is Lara! Would you maybe wanna get ferris together right now? I’m starving!’

“Works like a charm.”

Eric Wimer, 22, CC ’16, Political Science, New York, NY

“Um find the biggest guy on campus and punch him in the balls to assert your dominance. That way, everyone knows you’re not a nerd.”

Christina Ellsberg, 22, BC ’16, Anthropology, Ossining, NY

“The best way to make friends at Columbia is to offer to call the Über. The best way to make friends at Columbia is to constantly quiz people on how carefully they read Plato’s Republic. Be sure to say things like, ‘That’s funny, because if you’d actually *read* it . . . .’

“The best way to make friends at Columbia is to ask casually bring up Palestine.”

Tim Chung, 20, CC ‘18, Computer Science, Somerset, ENG, and San Fran, CA

“The best way to make friend at Columbia is by being a feminist. I am a true feminist.”

Augusta Chapman, 20, BC ’18, Anthropology, Seattle, WA

“Pick a favorite amendment and defend it till someone proposes a duel.”

Finola Goudy, 20, BC ‘18, Neuroscience, Phili, PA

“Make sure to specify you’re from The College. Resurrect the Barnard magnolia tree (please). Play chopsticks on the piano in Lerner.

“Have an extra Hamilton ticket.”

Zach Heinemann, 21, CC ‘17, Psychology and Statistics, Levittown, PA

“Just tell everybody how many internships you’ve had. If you haven’t had any, make them up. People really find you fun and cool and exciting when you spend hours in detail about that shitty job you had getting coffee for some nameless white dude at JP Morgan!”

Gabe Gomez, 20, CC ‘18, Neuro & Political Science, San Jose, Costa Rica

“Brag about how little sleep you’ve gotten. If you’re in desperate need for friends just subtly say that you have Adderall around finals time and you’ll have a whole new friend group.”

Ryan Nuzzo, 23, CC ’18, Economics, Pittsburg, PA

“My friends at Columbia would go through hell for me, taking notes on the Inferno I can read in bed after catching mono at Beta house.”

In the end, you might meet some cool people and have a good time.

Honestly, don’t worry to much and don’t work too hard.