Every thought Tigers have at Cooper Library

Library calories don’t count right?

Cooper Library. Both a prison and a master. We all spend a huge portion of our life there, and devote hours of painful reading and writing.

But sometimes our mind wanders off, and when it wanders off we think of some pretty crazy stuff:

“I really hope I don’t run into. . .”

The Library you is not recognizable to “going out you.” I’ve actually been denied at a bar using my legal ID when I came straight from the library.  A baseball cap is the best study (aka greasy hair and dark circles) disguise.

Legally Blonde gave us the bend ‘n’ snap to get boy attention, but that is the last thing we want in Cooper.

Here’s how to stay incognito if your crush walks by: head down,  drastically face-planting into your book, elegantly and naturally executed by pretending to have bad eyesight, the book covering your face is a scholarly necessity, you’re just trying to learn. The importance is hiding your face, even if executed poorly (cue Paulette snapping into the UPS hottie’s nose) your double identity remains a secret for another day.

If you see the professor whose 8 AM you skipped while printing a paper for another class, I don’t know what to tell you, you should probably just not skip class.

“I should group-text my parents and tell them I’m at the library.”

Hey mom and dad! I am the best student/child ever! I am hard at work in the library. I feel myself getting smarter already. Can you die from reading for too long though? You will never believe how much my teachers assigned. Are you proud? Cool! Can you send money? I need brain food. I don’t know what my grades are yet, Dad, my professor takes forever with grading. Ok y’all are distracting me from my studies! Gotta go, love you! Send pics of the dogs.

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“Where should I sit and how did they come up with these zones?”

Collaborative, Quiet, and Silent should be referred to as: Talking (with some light death glaring), whispering (with a lot of death glaring), and don’t even breath (with ample death glaring).

If you act in dis-accordance with the mandated zone rules, you become enemy number one. Sure, whisper to your friend in the quiet area, we all need a little break from studying, but setting up a picnic in the middle of the third floor quiet area for kicks and giggles is not cool, man. Go outside and enjoy the sunlight while you can.

“If I don’t Snapchat that I am at the library was I even there?”

“You never go out anymore” Oh really? Sorry that I am busy studying everyday. If this really sad selfie of me in glasses, looking like a zombie doesn’t give you enough proof, I add the caption “if you want to come the real party, come to:” with the amazing Cooper Geotag below. Boom. No more annoying texts from them (because are they probably at a real party).

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“Will the construction ever end? What are they even building?”

No, Clemson, I will not “pardon your progress” at 10 AM. While we all appreciate that they’re finally putting a Starbucks in Coop (pour out an iced coffee for my dead homie Java City) but the power tools vibrating floors six through two are definitely not appreciated.

Whenever construction projects pop up rumors always start to buzz. I am still hopefully waiting for the day when Clemson opens a Panera in Cooper. Grades would probably sky rocket if we could have you-pick-two while we study, just saying Clemson.

“How long do I have to study before it’s ok call Jimmy John’s?”

There can’t be a socially acceptable norm about ordering food from a company who prides themselves on being freaky fast. Like yeah I just sat down, but my craving overcame me freaky fast, it was out of my control. If I feel so inclined to order a California Club fifteen minutes into my study session, don’t judge, ok? We are all in this struggle together as members of the Tiger Fam. I’m probably not going to offer to share or anything but you can order one too and we can feast together!

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“Calories shouldn’t count in the library”

So it’s decided, they don’t. Hence my two-pound bag of peach rings from the bulk bins and a caramel macchiato to wash it down. Studying this hard burns a lot of calories, ok? I’m basically on the elliptical right now considering how hard my brain is working.

“How badly do I need the caffeine?”

The first choice is always Starbucks, but that line can get beyond long. Clemson, realizing our NEED for caffeine, decided to capitalize by surging the cost of energy drinks to 2.3X the norm. Nope this isn’t uber Coop, I do not accept. The only time I’m spending close to five dollars on a red bull is one spiked with vodka.

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Should I print here or wait until I get home?

I don’t want it to be publicly known that I am a tree killer. I don’t support the killing of trees – it’s my teachers. They assign twenty page papers. If I wait to print at home I’ll forget and end up panic printing ten minutes before my paper is due.

Ok if the line isn’t long today I’ll print here. Yes. No one is in line! Oh…because it’s broken. Here’s the plan: going to put one alarm in my phone to print at home and another alarm for 6:30 am so I can come and print in peace tomorrow.

“Should I just stay here all night?”

An all-nighter is an unavoidable rite of passage as a Clemson Tiger. With the right attitude and enough of that ever-essential over-priced caffeine and junk-brain food, they can be kind of fun.

“A Night at the Cooper Library” can be seen as a cooler, less violent remake of Ben Stiller’s classic “A Night at the Museum.” Sure, the delirium that hits at 4 AM gets weird but the hallucinations usually aren’t that bad.  A 7 AM when you move your car from employee parking you can get chik-fil-a breakfast, without a line at drive-thru. The promise of fresh chik’n minis can drive motivation to get that “A” all night.

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