All the New Year’s resolutions we’ll make but not keep this year

You’re not going to ‘go to the gym more’ and you know it

New Year’s Eve is just around the corner and we all know what that means — New Year’s resolutions.  As the final days of December approach, we all begin to reflect on how we can improve ourselves in the new year. Unfortunately, it’s somehow easier to set new goals based on societal expectations and 20-something cliches than it is to consider what we truly want out of ourselves and out of life. Funny how that works.

Go to the gym more often

The Victoria’s Secret show just aired and now you feel like maybe 2016 could’ve been just as awesome with less pizza and late night Ben and Jerry runs involved. But honestly, don’t look at the models and feel guilt or self-resentment. Feel happy that your job doesn’t involve watching what you eat at every waking moment. You didn’t choose to be a VS angel because you don’t believe in counting cals and going on crazy workout plans and diets to succeed at your career. Right?

Most likely, you’ll put a picture of Gigi Hadid in a bikini on your fridge for a couple of weeks and religiously get on the treadmill until you remember that you already (mostly) love yourself and you love pizza even more — and a bunch of models in underwear don’t change any of that. So you’ll take Gigi off your fridge and order takeout because you look just as fierce already.

Drink less at the pregame

You look back at the year and realize that you’re that girl. You’re the girl who blacks out at the pregame before you even get to the bar or frat or whatever crazy plans are on the agenda for the night. You usually end the night with one selfie at the most because the rest of the night your phone was lost in somebody’s else’s purse. This year, if you really feel like it’s necessary to opt out of Jose Cuervo and treat yourself to a measly shot of Malibu instead then you do you, girl.

But we know that your inner goddess is ready to reign in the New Year and keep on keepin’ on as the life of the party who has a little too much fun before the party even starts. After all, how can you cut down on pregaming when New Year’s Eve is basically one big pregame for 2017?

Be more organized

Yes, “being more organized” is probably on the top of every internet article about New Year’s resolutions — and that’s a good reason to scratch that and be a little more creative. So what, you sacrifice a neatly made bed for more beauty sleep? So what, you like to have all your clothes just sprawled on the floor? It means you can get a good look at your entire wardrobe all at once, and that’s called efficiency. You might color coordinate your closet for a couple weeks, but you’ll soon remember that if your black clothes are near your red clothes, they’re not any less black.

Get a boyfriend

This is the most infuriating resolution I’ve heard anybody ever say. Ever. And we’ve all heard many, many people say it. A boyfriend is a wonderful and happy addition to your life, but he’s not an achievement or a goal for you to win. You are complete and fulfilled without your future special someone.

Also, actively looking for love to the point that it’s your New Year’s resolution seems a bit forced. Instead, look at this year as a time to discover yourself more and your passions more deeply. After all, you need to know what makes you tick before exploring somebody else. You might dwell on the fact that you order in Thai food every night while you binge watch Gilmore Girls now, but just remember that if a boy was there, you’d have less Thai food and you’d have to compromise on a different and probably inferior TV show.

#greensmoothie morning and starting a new #bulletjournal #kale #greenapple #mango #almondmilk #organized

A photo posted by Rachel W. (@briefobservations) on Dec 19, 2016 at 11:34am PST

Get your shit together

This is broad, but accurate. Most people definitely make this resolution and expect to do things like wash their hair more, wear matching socks everyday and do their laundry before it takes on its own life form in the basket. Being on top of everything that’s going on in your life can feel really invigorating, but you’re not failing as a human for not having it all together yet.

Maybe you’ll continue to claim the messy bun as your signature ‘do this year because a flat iron is a foreign concept to you. Or you might still make worse decisions than you did last year but, hey, at least you’re experiencing life and learning. Being something of a hot mess is a trademark, so own that shit. If you want to spontaneously travel somewhere this year without a plan or a means of any accommodations then please do it. This world is filled with opportunity but only if we allow ourselves to go against what we believe is “having our shit together” and trust our intuition instead.

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