The guide to the acquisition and maintenance of your fuckboy

Boys love bacon

College guys are like puppies: They look innocent, sometimes misbehave, but with time, patience, and the right nurturing, they develop a strong sense of loyalty.

Since you’re already skilled in training your fuckboy – now the struggle is to maintaining him.

Remove him from his natural habitat, the frat basement

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Several frat bros in their natural environment, the basement.

Fuckboys are like vampires: they awaken in the night. The animal inside all of them emerges in the sweaty, black-lit fraternity basement. The girl to guy ratio is always in their favor, providing them with multiple options of conquest. If they haven’t already left with someone by midnight, it’s guaranteed their thirst will be heightened, so keep that in mind when you get a “Come thru” text at 11pm. The solution? Avoid the frat altogether.

Don’t adjust your schedule for him, make him adjust his schedule for you

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He’s really busy this week with exams, but he can come over on Wednesday after Mugar around midnight. However, he can’t stay long because he has an exam Thursday. Does he care about his exam? Probably not. This is just one of many examples fuckboys will use to get out of hanging out. When he says something like this, he probably just wants to bang, and gives himself enough time to do the dirty and dip out.

Step back and ask yourself: is it really worth it? Not at all. Command respect, and make him work for you. Do you really want to be the girl who beckons to his every call? Nah-uh. You want to make him wonder where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re hanging out with. You want him to send you that double text. Take the power, lady. Grab him by the balls.

I remember a good friend of mine was studying last year with me in the library, and her face lit up when she got a text from an older guy who invited her over. They banged, and she got the idea in her head they would be in a relationship eventually. The following weekend he was getting all touchy-feely with some other chick in the frat basement. The worst part? He came over and introduced himself to us. That girl was humiliated, and low-key heartbroken. Never be that gal!

See how far he’ll go for you

Make sure you’re getting something out of it too. Start small. “Hey, on your way over do you mind picking up my Starbucks order? I ordered it online.”

If he’s a gentleman, then go ahead onto the next step.

Reward him

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The small gesture of making breakfast goes a long way. Boys love bacon.

Not to objectify the college male species, or anything, but guys are similar to puppies. They look innocent, sometimes misbehave, but with time, patience, and the right nurturing, they develop a strong sense of loyalty. However, this requires a LOT of training, and the first way you can train him is by rewarding him with small treats which increase over time. NO, I do not mean sexual favors… Unless you feel so inclined. Start small. Boys love food. Boys love backrubs. Which leads us to our next step…

Find out what he likes

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Because why Netflix and Chill by yourself when you can do it with someone else?

The more you know his tastes, the more you know him. The best part of beginning any new relationship is finding out what you have in common with your new beau. It’s a simple step which goes a long way. Discovering what you and your partner have in common is a fun bonding experience, whether it’s an activity, a show, or a type of food you both love. Because why Netflix and Chill by yourself when you can do it with someone else?

If you find you don’t have a lot in common with your new guy, that’s completely okay too! You can take turns showing each other what you love, and hey, you never know, he might introduce you to your next favorite thing.

Go with the flow and don’t act crazy or clingy – give him space to breathe

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He might be the guy of your dreams, but his gold finish might tarnish over time. The worst thing you can possibly do in a new relationship is rush things. If you come on too strong, he will feel as though he is cornered, and this pressure often triggers the flight method to kick in. From a guy’s standpoint, the worst question you could possibly ask in the early stages of a new fling is, “What are we?”

It is completely natural to question what direction, if any, the relationship is heading in. Unless you are given a direct reason to ask that question, though, you shouldn’t need to ask it. You should trust your own assessment of the relationship. However, as hard as it may be, wait. Wait as long as you possibly can before you ask where it’s heading. I’d say a general rule of thumb is two to three months. Patience is a virtue, and in terms of “hookup culture” standards, it’s absolutely necessary to play it cool for awhile before taking the plunge into long-term commitment.

Most importantly, have fun

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At this age, it’s likely you’ll cross more frogs than princes along the way. I am a girl of many mantras, and my favorite one as of late is something my best friend Molly said to me a few weeks back: College is the only time in your life where you can be completely selfish. This period of time allows you to discover how you want to feel in a relationship, and it also allows you to weed out the negative aspects you can’t stand. If you aren’t feeling 100 percent in whatever kind of relationship you’re in, don’t be afraid to walk away. There are 18,000 students at this school, and plenty of untapped social groups you have yet to discover. Branch out and enjoy your time here, these will be the best four years of your life!

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