Six reasons why I wish I had been placed in a substance free freshman dorm

It’s so much better!

When I heard my friend involuntarily got placed into the substance free dorm at the beginning of the year, I thought damn, that really really sucks. I had this image of the typical sub-free resident as some uptight, super studious kid that would always tell everyone to quiet down. But after having frequented my friend’s dorm, I’ve been proven wrong many times over, and now I wish I had been the one placed in the sub-free dorm. Here are all the reasons why.

The halls are really clean! 
As much as I love my dorm’s crushed beer can and red solo cup decor, I do have to say it is a nice change of pace not to have to watch where I step for fear of kicking over a cup half-filled with fireball and coke.

The bathrooms are even cleaner.
It’s amazing how wonderful a bathroom can look when it’s devoid of pubic hair and puke that missed the toilet/trashcan. (Do people who live in sub-free dorms just not have pubes? I don’t know, but somehow they’re just not all over the bathroom floor and walls).

It smells good.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into my hall and been tickled by the aroma of fresh vomit. This exquisite smell mixes wonderfully with other equally pleasant scents in our building’s elevator to make a new, never smelled before fragrance that I like to call yak-fart-sweat by Christian Dior. Needless to say, the sub-free dorm smells like Febreze and fresh ocean air in comparison.

The people are cool.
The average sub-free resident is in fact a normal person. People who live in sub-free dorms still like to go out and have fun, and they’re great people to be around.

Coming back to peace and quiet after going out.
One of the great pleasures in life is coming back to a nice quiet dorm after a long night out with blaring music and people screaming at each other. Unfortunately, few dorms besides the substance free one afford us this pleasure.

Not having to experience FOMO when you stay in your room to study. 
It’d be great to be able to stay in and study without having the sounds of people having fun right outside my door compound my misery. I tried to stay in and study once, the weekend before a midterm, but because of FOMO that night was not the productive study night I imagined it would be.

No drunk people in this sub-free hall

I’d like to take this moment to recall the famous saying “never judge a book by its cover.” If we keep judging those covers, we’re going miss out on gems like this.

Brown University