I used to dream of saying ‘I have an eating disorder’ and no longer be ashamed

We spoke with the students from the ‘What I Be’ Project

This week, UGBC has brought back the incredibly popular “What I Be” campaign, in collaboration with photographer Steve Rosenfield. This seven-day photo campaign features Boston College students and works to “build securities through insecurities.”

The project culminates in a revealing event this Monday, February 1.

Olivia Hussey participated in the 2015 What I Be Project

Olivia Hussey, EVP of UGBC, said: “I am so excited to have the What I Be Project back on campus, as it was a personal highlight of my year last year.

“What I Be promotes a more authentic, genuine campus cultural and conversation that is sorely needed at BC.

“It’s important to realize that everyone on this campus has insecurities and that that’s just part of being human — and know that even after this campaign ends, we all need to make a conscious effort to be open and compassionate to those around us in our day to day lives.”

The Tab reached out to the students involved in this project to learn more about their experience and motivations to be photographed for the project.

Abby Campbell, Senior, Communications and Hispanic Studies

What was the experience like working with Steve? Describe the conversation you had – how did you reach the specific vulnerability you shared? 

When I first walked into the room, my heart was beating out of my chest, I was so petrified. But as soon as I sat down with Steve, I felt like I was in the right place. He first asked me, “What is the thing you are most insecure about?” I explained to him that I could have given a number of answers, but in being truly honest with myself, my experience with an eating disorder is at the root of all my insecurities.

I kept telling Steve that I wanted other people to know about my fight so that they too could be empowered to fight. But he stressed to me that I needed to do this project solely for myself, and not for others. He reminded me that being honest and being real with myself would turn out to be the most powerful. And I noticed that once again, I was trying to beat around the bush with this, I was still trying to hide it. We struggled with deciding on what to write on my face. He then suggested the phrase, “I’m done hiding” and I was instantly flooded with emotion and tears. That was it. Those words struck me in a way I wasn’t expecting, and I realize it is because that is exactly what I want to express. I am done hiding this part of myself.

What was the most challenging part of the experience, and what was the most empowering?

I am overwhelmed by the outpour of love and support I have received. I have had so many people reach out and commend me for my courage and strength, compliments I am so appreciative of. Even more so, I have had a number of other girls reach out and open up about their own experience of an eating disorder, and each message brought me to tears. This was one of my main goals in taking this risk, to open the dialogue and let other people know that it is okay to talk about eating disorders. I am so grateful that I am able to make some sort of an impact by speaking up, and I only hope my story will inspire others to seek help or break free.

Were you nervous leading up to the big reveal? Talk to me about your emotions regarding this experience. 

I was anxious, but after only a few minutes, people’s comments were flooding in and I was instantly consumed with emotion. I was worried about how I would react to sharing something so deeply personal, but thankfully, I have felt nothing but positive emotion. I haven’t felt such genuine joy in a long time.

Most of all, this incredible weight has been lifted. I almost can’t believe that I no longer have to carry this around with me. I feel as though I am finally ready to be the absolute best, truest version of myself, and I could not be more excited to see what that looks.

What have the conversations been like afterwards? Have you spoken with your parents about your vulnerability, your roommates, random people, etc.? 

Steve and I talked about how when you are ready to share something about yourself, even though it is scary, it is easier to do it all at once. So that’s what I did, and I definitely think it was more powerful that way. I imagine there will be many more conversations about this in the future, and I hope my friends do come to me and ask whatever they want or need to know. That was my reason for taking such a huge risk. And as for strangers, I am officially an open book now, so they too can ask away.

Describe the experience in one word. 

Liberating.

Any final reflect on the experience? 
In many ways, I feel like I have been waiting for this day for the past 6 years. I used to dream of the day that I could say the words “I have an eating disorder” and no longer be ashamed. Today is finally that day.

Courtney Copelin, Junior, 2017, Applied Psychology and Communication, minor in Women & Gender Studies

What was the experience like working with Steve? Describe the conversation you had – how did you reach the specific vulnerability you shared? 

Working with Steve was an amazing experience. He makes you feel comfortable and think far beyond surface level fears and insecurities. He asks challenging but critical questions that most of us do not think to ask ourselves. He helped me to not only fully acknowledge my insecurity, but also understand the root from where it stems.

What was the most challenging part of the experience, and what was the most empowering? 

The most challenging part was baring my raw self for everyone to see. The most empowering part of the experience was claiming my voice and feeling validated without having to say anything at all.

Were you nervous leading up to the big reveal? Talk to me about your emotions regarding this experience.

I wasn’t that nervous leading up to or during the conversation with Steve, but as soon as he stood twelve inches away from my face with a huge camera it all hit me. I am very comfortable being vulnerable, but this was a kind of vulnerability I had not experienced before and it was truthfully startling.

Isra Hussain, Junior, Psychology with a minor in Arabic studies

What was the experience like working with Steve? Describe the conversation you had – how did you reach the specific vulnerability you shared? 

The conversation was cool and comfortable – and took place over a cup of steaming hot coffee. Right away, we dove into my own research on mental health, minority experience and treatment disparities, cultural stigma, and lacking resources. Conversation naturally flowed into the need I saw for addressing these complicated relationships, and soon enough, I was talking about my personal observations and experiences with silence, shaming, and shoving important matters under the rug.

Eventually, I realized everything I was talking about had one thing in common: I didn’t actually talk about them. I hid everything with a smile, because in almost every case, I’m looked at as the individual who has everything put together. I’m the girl who mentors more underclassmen than I can count, the person that is expected to be joyful and energetic throughout the day. My smile is a source of strength and joy for others, regardless of what’s hidden behind it and what it means for me. And for someone who was constantly working to increase conversation and make the world a more open, compassionate place, I really wasn’t doing much on my own part to break down those barriers.

And thus, I decided on what to contribute to the What I Be Project: “I am not my smile.” Because it turns out, I’m really good at pretending.

What was the most challenging part of the experience, and what was the most empowering? 

The most challenging part was probably having to identify one of my insecurities. I’ve never so openly expressed something that was constantly pushing me down. I remember thinking, “One insecurity? ONE insecurity? I can think of about 100 but now I need to choose just ONE that’s both important to me but also doesn’t make me sound insane?” And then, when I finally thought of one to share, I smiled and through my clenched teeth tried to place myself in a state of utmost vulnerability. Because it’s through this vulnerability that we’re able to create true human connection.

The most empowering part of the experience was finally deciding on what to write on my face. And once I finally decided it, once the Sharpie was traced across my forehead, cheek, and hand – I smiled because, well, of course that was what should be written. “I’m good at pretending.” It made so much sense, but it only made sense once it was already decided and placed out in the open. It’s not until we accept and embrace our insecurities that everything becomes much clearer.

Describe the experience in one word.

Genuine.

Any final reflection on the experience?

Authenticity is beautiful. YOU are beautiful. Let’s chat, because I want to meet and learn about the REAL you.

Julia James, Junior, Theatre 

What was the experience like working with Steve? Describe the conversation you had – how did you reach the specific vulnerability you shared? 

Steve was great. He was wearing a hat emblazoned with the words “Spiritual Gangster”, so I immediately knew he would be relaxed about the whole thing.

What was the most challenging part of the experience, and what was the most empowering? 

The most challenging part, for me, was knowing that my personal struggle was going up online. Only a small handful of people were aware of my sporadic depression prior to this project, so that was difficult. But at the same time, my hope is that people will see my picture and be inspired to share their story as well. It was also incredibly empowering to see the reactions from friends and strangers online. It made me realize that I have so many people who are there to support me.

What have the conversations been like afterwards? Have you spoken with your parents about your vulnerability, your roommates, random people, etc.? 

The conversations afterward have been amazing. Aside from the supportive comments online, some of my friends sent me personal messages or came up to me in person to say that they loved it and were so proud of me. One of the few people who already knew, who shall remain nameless, thanked me for being brave and said it almost brought him to tears. That was probably the best message I received.

Describe the experience in one word. 
“Exhilarating.”

Annie Tenzinger, Junior, Mathematics 

Why did you originally want to become involved in the What I Be project? 

I saw a post from the project on Instagram last semester when I had been going through a pretty hard time. The picture was a girl with “Stress, Lonely, Homesick” written on her face, followed by “I am not my crying” and I thought to myself, that’s me. I actually saved the picture because of how accurately it described my feelings at the time. I was so comforted knowing someone else felt the same way I did. From then on, I followed the project on Facebook and Instagram and when I realized it was coming back to BC I knew I had to be a part of it.

What was the most challenging part of the experience, and what was the most empowering? 

The most challenging part was articulating my feelings. The most empowering part was seeing one person comment on my picture “I can completely relate! Don’t give up, you are so strong”  and I was so reassured to know that other people understood what I felt. The whole reason I joined the project was to share my feelings in hopes of reaching out to others and this comment validated the entire process.

Describe the experience in one word. 

Raw.

Joe Arquillo, Junior, Applied Psychology & Human Development

What was the most challenging part of the experience, and what was the most empowering? 

I walked in thinking that I cannot be truly known unless I am truly vulnerable. And I couldn’t be vulnerable unless I allow imperfection. Being honest was the only way that could truly have Steve understand who I am, and the biggest insecurity I am dealing with. By the end, I felt as if a brick was lifted off my chest because I am one to hold my “stuff” in.

Were you nervous leading up to the big reveal? Talk to me about your emotions regarding this experience. 

Hell yes haha! I honestly thought about backing out a couple of times thinking that I didn’t need to open up to anyone. Why should I? But as the date inched closer, I realized that this could be an avenue for me to open up, a way for people to have a better understanding of my biggest insecurity.

What have the conversations been like afterwards? Have you spoken with your parents about your vulnerability, your roommates, random people, etc.? 

It has been different because I was not expecting the amount of love and support that my family and friends sent me. One striking moment was when an aunt, one who I am not the closest with, shared my post and wrote, “I am so proud of my nephew.” I was not used to this type of attention, and it caught me of guard. I hit a point at night when a friend when I went through my text messages and just had a moment because I realized how great my friends were, knowing that they will love and support me no matter what challenges I deal with.

Describe the experience in one word. 

“Vulnerable.”

Connor Marshall, Sophomore, Psychology BS major and a Biology minor

“I became involved with the What I Be project because I think that being vulnerable and imperfect on a college campus is something that is incredibly hard to do but something that is so worthwild when it comes to working to break the mental health stigma.

“The What I Be campaign specifically spoke to me because the photos speak for themselves and do more justice than any words I could ever generate myself.

“It is incredibly challenging to admit to a vulnerability like that. Speaking for myself, it was terrifying but I am so glad I did it because the empowerment I felt was so worth it. It made me realize that I am my own worst critic and at the end of the day, people who love me will love me despite this flaw that I was terrified of admitting to. Everyone afterwards has been so loving and supportive including my roommates, boyfriend, friends, parents, etc.

“In one word, I would say this event is inspiring because the courage my peers have displayed in participating.”

Chase Frederick, Sophomore, Psychology 

What was the experience like working with Steve? Describe the conversation you had – how did you reach the specific vulnerability you shared? 

After going over the details of the project, he jumped right in and asked “What’s your biggest insecurity? What’s something that you’d be afraid of other people knowing?” That second question is what made me really think about mine: promiscuity. There’s a lot of stigma around sex, especially for young women. Men typically speak pretty openly with each other about various hook ups, but “a lady never kisses and tells,” as they say.

Between my own uncertainty, and the anti-hook up, pro-dating movement started by Professor Kerry Cronin, I can feel guilty for being just another member of the “hook up culture.”  It’s not something that I necessarily want everyone to know, but it’s like: this is who I am. I have faults and shortcomings and insecurities. I don’t have everything figured out. I’m going to make mistakes and learn from them. And everyone else will, too.

What have the conversations been like afterwards? Have you spoken with your parents about your vulnerability, your roommates, random people, etc.? 

Because of the insecurity I chose, I wanted to be honest with my parents about it. Of course my mom wasn’t particularly happy that I was willing to sort of use the word “promiscuous” to describe myself, but then we talked a lot about the project. Yes, this is something that I’m insecure about, but by being honest about it, I’m not letting it define me. She, along with my friends and roommates, has been so supportive.

We don’t really tell our friends that we’re proud of them, but that’s the phrase I’ve heard a lot this week. I feel the same way about my friends who also participated: proud that they were able to be so honest. Our insecurities are difficult things to talk about, but when one person starts the dialogue, others will be willing to join in.

Describe the experience in one word. 

Authentic.

 

Kate Weidenman, Senior, Theatre and Applied Psych & Human Development

What was the most challenging part of the experience, and what was the most empowering?

Challenging: turning off the filter (or trying to). Empowering: Hearing his stories and seeing some of my thoughts be broken down into simple, understandable pieces.

What have the conversations been like afterwards? Have you spoken with your parents about your vulnerability, your roommates, random people, etc.?

Not my parents, but one roommate. It felt good to share it with her.

Describe the experience in one word.
“Thought-provoking.”

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