Hiding from who you are: My coming out story

Just a few months ago, if you were to ask me why I didn’t want to come out, I would have given you an ignorant answer: I didn’t believe in people. I didn’t have confidence in the people I surrounded myself with. I had heard countless horror stories and something inside me thought that soon, I was going to join that group. I was wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong.

I didn’t want to come out. I knew I would eventually, but just not now, not while I wasn’t mentally sound enough to take whatever repercussions were to come. Little did I know that soon, the right and freedom to come out to people on my own terms would be ripped away from me.

The first people I came out to on my own were my four best friends from high school. These are the people I owe it all to. They gave me something that’s an absolute necessity while coming out — confidence. Confidence in myself. Confidence in people. Confidence that life, no matter what, would go on. I had four great guys in my corner and I felt unstoppable.

I started my life as a gay man soon after this, but I was still closeted. Something inside me was still hesitant, still afraid and still ashamed. I would soon find out my resistance was for good reason, and my confidence would be shot down all too quickly.

After I came out to a few more of my closest friends, I joined Grindr — where everything would come crashing down. I had a few great conversations with different guys (one of whom would become the best thing that ever happened to me, even though I didn’t know it yet).

However, there was also one guy who took my coming out into his own hands. Because I didn’t show interest, he decided I no longer had the right to come out on my own terms, so he threatened to out me to all of my fraternity brothers, friends from home and college and — worst of all — my family. These were all people I wanted to tell myself, to tell them my story, but it was no longer up to me.

I was forced into telling people about my sexuality way before I had ever planned to. I had to come out to my own mother over the phone the day it all blew up. I had to talk to therapists, school officials and cops and tell them: I am gay. I thought my life was going to be over. I thought he would tell all of the people he threatened to and that they would all reject me and leave me to deal with it all on my own. Everything I had ever feared seemed to be unfolding right before my eyes. Yet again, I was terribly, terribly wrong.

This guy did end up telling several of my college friends, and soon word spread to my closest friends that I was gay. I feared rejection the most, but the confidence in people — the same confidence my four best friends from high school had given me — was reestablished. Everyone he told, and everyone I subsequently told, accepted me for who I was. If anything, they were just mad they didn’t know sooner.

Before any of this happened, I was terrified to tell my fraternity brothers because I had no idea how they would respond, but something soon happened that I will never forget for the rest of my life. Three of my closest friends in the fraternity knocked on my apartment door one night and told me they loved me for exactly who I was, and that me being gay would never change that. Though they (unfortunately) found out through the Grindr guy, they weren’t mad at me and they gave me everything I needed to go on. My confidence was restored and I knew I could once again trust people.

I was officially out to pretty much everyone in my college town and life was great, but I still had one big milestone left to accomplish: I had to tell the rest of my family. Friends are easy to come out to — if they don’t accept you for who you are, then they aren’t a friend you need (a realization I came to a little too late). Family, however, is a much different story, because whether or not you realize it, you need them – every last one of them.

I kept telling myself I would be fine if someone in my family rejected me. I knew it would devastate me, but I also knew that someway, somehow I would have to move on. When I told my mom over the phone the day everything came crashing down, she reacted in the best way possible. She got in the car with my grandma and immediately came to see me and comfort me — something I needed more than ever.

She and my grandmother were now a part of my support system that was growing every day. As the weeks went on, it was time for me to tell my two sisters and my dad. I first told my oldest sister and then my other sister and they both, without hesitance, said they loved me no matter what. I knew I would need that love leading up to the big reveal with my father.

It was Thanksgiving break in 2015, and it was finally time to come out to the man I was dreading telling the most – the man I could not survive without. My dad is a very manly man who was raised in small town Georgia, which is very set in its southern Christian ways. I was obviously very hesitant, but I soon found out that it was ignorant of me to think this way. The night I told him turned out to be one of the best nights of my life. Everything was off my chest. I was out to everyone I cared most about and every single one of them accepted me for exactly who I was and never batted an eye.

Throughout all of this mess, a very special person had entered my life. Right as everything was blowing up in my face, one of the guys I had a conversation with on Grindr became my first boyfriend, and through it all he was by my side. As everyone accepted me, they accepted him too.

Now, my life is everything I could ever want and I know for certain that no matter how hard life may seem, it does go on. Time tells all, and every person is capable of amazing things given the chance. I will never again hide behind someone I’m not, nor will I ever again doubt the people I care about most.