A definitive ranking of the AP Top 25 by how bangable the coaches are
‘Nick Saban looks like a selfish lover, but I’d let it slide because he’s clearly got a huge dick’
After a rather ~upsetting~ week of college football, the AP Top 25 rankings are beginning to seem more and more trivial. It's exhausting trying to keep up with how many notches one team will fall in comparison to another when if we're being honest with ourselves, the rankings don't really matter until it's time for the playoffs.
And what are the rankings even based on anyway? A team's win/lose ratio? Their history of excellence? Well we decided to come up with our own arbitrary ranking and list your top 25 schools based on how good their head coaches would be in bed.
Disclaimer: No joke I make in this article could ever top the joke that is the AP Top 25 rankings now that seven of those top teams lost to unranked schools this weekend.
1. Texas Tech – Kliff Kingsbury
— The Mighty 1090 (@Mighty1090) October 11, 2017
Kliff Kingsbury is without a doubt the hottest coach in the AP Top 25 poll, and to be fair that isn’t a difficult feat. But honestly DO NOT be fooled by this man’s good looks, he looks like he'd be incredibly selfish in bed. Not only that, but he believes that every orgasm he’s seen a woman have in porn was 100 percent real and definitely not fake. All that said, I’m willing to let it slide because LOOK AT HIM.
2. Michigan – Jim Harbaugh
— AJ Mast (@ajmastf8) October 15, 2017
This man is literally good at everything he does. He was quarterback at Michigan, played and coached at the professional level, before returning to his hoMe state and transforming a losing team to an actual contender. Not only is he undoubtedly good at sex, but he’ll make you better at it, too. He brings an enthusiasm unknown to mankind to the bedroom, and you can bet he’ll have you saying, “Who’s got it better than us” before it’s over. They don’t call him Harbae for nothing.
3. USC – Clay Helton
Clay Helton remains undefeated at home. pic.twitter.com/gz6Q39PPbw
— Reign of Troy (@ReignofTroy) October 15, 2017
It's not always pretty, but Clay Helton always pulls through. The sex will be messy, fast, and at the end, you'll be exhausted, but none of those are bad things. To top it off, Clay Helton is all about the performance, he'll wine and dine you before he takes you home. Class before ass.
4. Oklahoma – Lincoln Riley
— OU Sports Extra (@OUSportsExtra) October 13, 2017
This guy has a habit of planting his flag where it shouldn’t be, but no one really seems to mind. Probably because he treats every time like its his first time — he’s got a lot to prove and he’s eager to do it. He’ll put in the time it takes to get you where you need to go.
5. Michigan State – Mark Dantonio
— C.W. Harris (@CWHarris7) October 8, 2017
Mark Dantonio understands that sex, much like football, is all about the inches, and he’s always wishing for just one or two more. Tired of being called the little brother, he’ll request you call him Daddy. Don’t expect to get on top, but definitely expect to get off. Dantonio is tired of only getting sacks on the field. He’ll make you cum but only so he can brag about it to his friends.
6. Alabama – Nick Saban
— GomerBlog (@GomerBlog) October 15, 2017
Nick Saban looks like a Republican presidential candidate, which inherently, isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not exactly a ringing endorsement either. Here’s the deal, Saban is used to being on top, and it would be ill-advised to try to take that away from him. I’m sure Saban was a stud in his college days, and I’d be willing to bet he’s had sex with more women than he’s gotten five star recruits. But do you want to know how many of those women orgasmed? Zero. Saban seems like a selfish lover, but we'd let it slide because he’s clearly got a huge dick.
7. Ohio State – Urban Meyer
— Eleven Warriors (@11W) October 14, 2017
I can’t help but feel like no matter how good the sex is — and trust me, it's going to be good — he’s always going to tell you how it could’ve been better. Big talk from a man who clearly has a crooked penis if you ask me. Even so, this man is all about consistent performance. You’ll cum every time, but there won’t be any variety.
8. Clemson – Dabo Swinney
— AJC (@ajc) October 14, 2017
If Friday night’s game was any indication of Dabo Swinney’s sex life, he’s a man who likes to get fucked. It's a cliché but he dominates enough on the field so when he comes home at night, he’s just looking for someone to take control in the bedroom. Which, if you're into that kind of thing, more power to you.
9. NC State – Dave Doeren
— ethanhyman (@ethanhyman) October 14, 2017
Dave Doeren looks like the kind of guy who would forgo sex and just go down on you for an hour — which is not a bad thing. He will never get the credit he deserves, but this man is a GIVER in bed. Dave Doeren isn’t a standout, but he’s sturdy. He falls directly in the middle of the wolf pack. Not the best, but certainly not the worst either.
10. UCF – Scott Frost
Scott Frost is the type of guy to string you along until he’s found someone better. Your time in bed together won’t be pretty, but it’ll be good, no doubt about that. He’s as aggressive in bed as he is with his offense, and that’s saying something.
11. UMiami – Mark Richt
— Sr: Sports (@Sr_SportsViews) October 13, 2017
Richt should not be underestimated. He understands the value of hard work both on the field and in the bedroom. The only issue is Richt has a history of being erm, — unable to finish when it counts. It’s even ended relationships for him in the past. So despite the fact that he looks like he belongs in an episode of Friday Night Lights, I’d say avoid him if you can.
12. Wisconsin – Paul Chryst
— Land of 10 Wisconsin (@Landof10Badgers) October 8, 2017
Paul Chryst looks like he takes Viagra but denies it. “I don’t know why I’m still erect,” he’d lie to your face. He’s just looking for a way to spice up his otherwise bland attempt at rocking your world. But still, for some inexplicable reason, it gets the job done and you're oddly satisfied when it's over.
13. Auburn – Gus Malzahn
— Advertiser Sports (@mgmsports) October 15, 2017
Sex with Malzahn would be, in a word, upsetting — sort of like last night’s game. The worst part is you come into it expecting it to be great, and why wouldn’t you? It’s all the more disappointing because everyone tells you he’s great in bed, but when it comes time to actually perform, he chokes — and not in the fun way.
14. Navy – Ken Niumatalolo
— Jimeal Phillips (@JimealPhillips) September 26, 2017
Much like his triple option offense, Ken Niumatololo would favor having three players in the bedroom as well. Never one to turn down a challenge, Ken is the king of the ménage á trois. Despite what you may have heard, he’s not half bad in bed.
15. South Florida – Charlie Strong
— SportsRadio 740 (@SportsRadio_740) October 6, 2017
Charlie Strong has been hurt before. Turned away and treated poorly by his Lone Star lovers, he’s just looking for someone to settle down with. He’s someone who wants to build the relationship from the ground up and is a gentle giant in the bedroom.
16. Stanford – David Shaw
Don’t sell your soul by doing whatever it takes to get players. It’s not worth it. -David Shaw pic.twitter.com/2g5tPf6od3
— The Coaches' Journal (@TheCoachJournal) October 15, 2017
This man has seen the friendzone more than he’s seen the end zone this season. This dude is as average as they come. His dick is exactly six inches, he only fucks in missionary or doggy style, and you’ll end up faking half of your orgasms just to get it over with. The entire experience is completely mediocre.
17. TCU – Gary Patterson
— TCU DieHards (@TCU_DieHards) October 12, 2017
This man is loyal. He’ll stick around and one way or another Gary Patterson is going to get results. But if the sex isn’t going the way he wants he’ll take a quick timeout and change condoms ~for luck~, just like he did his shirt at halftime. Honestly the amount of dedication he puts in combined with years of practice should make him extremely bangable in bed, but he’s got one, glaring setback: he can’t stop sweating. And while getting wet in bed is usually a great thing, this isn’t exactly what we had in mind.
18. Washington – Chris Petersen
— Chris Fetters (@Chris_Fetters) October 15, 2017
Sex with Chris Petersen is similar to his team’s offense: hard and fast. This man is full of anger, especially after losing to Arizona State. He will jackhammer you into the sheets for all of 60 seconds before shooting his load all over your chest. “Touchdown!” he whispers breathlessly, hunching over. The sex is over.
19. Notre Dame – Brian Kelly
— Laken Litman (@LakenLitman) October 12, 2017
This man will take you to church…. to confess all of your dirty sins that is. But don’t worry because that’s just foreplay. Don’t be fooled by his Catholic leaning, Brian Kelly fucks — just not anyone except his wife. But between you, me, and God? I’d be willing to bet he’s not that bad at it either.
20. Penn State – James Franklin
— The Daily Collegian (@DailyCollegian) October 13, 2017
James Franklin has everything it takes to be great at sex. A big dick? Check. Natural talent? Check. Work ethic? Check and check. But for some reason sex with him feels off. Like he’s overlooking your wants and needs in the bedroom because he’s too focused on his own. He's the first guy you go home with after a break-up, and let's be honest, he's the only recent Penn State coach you'd want to jump in the sack with.
21. Georgia – Kirby Smart
— Mike Farrell (@rivalsmike) October 14, 2017
I’m sorry, but I have to say it: this is the face of a man who cries after sex. To be honest he looks like he probably cries a little during as well. That, and I can guarantee he would constantly ask, "is it good for you?" as he pokes at your clit. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great when your partner wants to make sure you’re having a good time, but it’s less fun when they look like they’re in physical pain when you’re just trying to cum.
22. Oklahoma State – Mike Gundy
I will say it. Mike Gundy is national treasure pic.twitter.com/LPmKuKvIif
— Lawrence Haverkamp (@BigLance_13) October 14, 2017
First things first, this man has a mullet. In 2017. Like his haircut suggests, when it comes to sex this man is all business in the front and party in the back. Gundy wants you to know that despite having aged a decade, he is still a man. He'll use any excuse to take a shirt of and spend your entire night together bragging about his glory days. Hard pass.
23. Virginia Tech – Justin Fuente
— HokieHaven.com (@Hokie_Haven) October 12, 2017
Justin Fuente is going to talk a big game but lately he can’t seem to score at all. Sure, maybe once Fuente could deliver the results you both wanted, but that was a younger Fuente. Things have since deflated, he’s gotten weaker, and well, it shows. He is the least sexy grandpa in the AP Top 25
24. San Diego State – Rocky Long
If you missed The Rocky Long Show last night, you can listen to it here!
— XTRA 1360 (@XTRA1360) October 12, 2017
Rocky Long is a traditionalist. Which is to say he'd be completely boring and predictable in bed. Don't get me wrong, he's probably got a fine dick, and I'm sure the sex would be meh, but it's not memorable at all. You won't think of it ever again once it's over, and it definitely won't leave you wanting more.
25. Washington State – Mike Leach
— Rob Curley (@robcurley) October 15, 2017
This man is all about focus. He’ll hold your face as he stares deep into your eyes, as a single bead of sweat drips down his forehead. It wouldn’t be so bad except for he’s 100 percent the type of guy who would be completely silent in bed.