A definitive list of trashy beers and what they say about you as a person
Tag yourself, I’m Miller High Life
When it comes to getting fucked up, there are infinite choices in this world. You could have a nice glass of wine, a civilized gin and tonic, a fancy shmancy cocktail.
But let's be honest, you're probably gonna get wasted on a terrible beer that costs less than a dollar a can. You'll sacrifice flavor for the ability to get you and everyone around you drunk for under $20.
But choose wisely, because every beer you pick comes loaded with a thousand stereotypes.
Bud Light
There’s not a huge amount you can say about those that enjoy the taste of those little blue cans. You don’t have any strong opinions about anything or anyone, you’re perfectly content to follow the crowd. You also don’t buy your own beer ever, so drinking watered down bud is absolute chill cos it’s freeeee.
Bud Light Platinum
You are the Platty Daddy. You’re an enigma. Everyone loves you, and everyone hates you. Good at everything, master of nothing.
Budweiser
Look, if Budweiser is your favorite beer, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, if it is, you’re probably quite literally the most average person in the world – and there’s nothing wrong with that. But then again, there’s nothing right with that either.
Corona
There is nothing bad to say about this beer. It is the everyman of beers – the beer for any situation beer, the beer you can drink at a rager beer, the kind of beer that says “hey, yeah, sure, I’m a laid back kind of guy,” beer, the beer that says you don’t take yourself too seriously, the beer that you can drink with your dad, the beer you can drink with your friends, the beer you can order on a date, the beer that is featured in most of the Fast and the Furious films – the same beer that Paul Walker’s eternal soul is drinking in heaven now:
Coors Light
Objectively, this is a trash beer. And yet there’s something about it that’s so aggressively blue-collar and terrible that it’s almost…good? The same goes for its ignorant band of blindingly devoted drinkers. They’re human KFC Double Downs — violently American and full of saturated fat, but I’m still gonna suck it down, probably in the shadow of a blown-out Colonel Sander marquee.
Heineken
You’re in a co-ed business frat, your parents paid for you to travel round Europe last summer and you’ll tell anyone who listens about that time you went to the Heineken experience in Amsterdam. Just drink a domestic beer, asshole.
Keystone
People who drink Keystone by choice fall into two categories – broke college students, and liars. It tastes like piss and doesn’t get you drunk enough, but hey – a 30 rack will only run you like $8, so fuck it. This is the de facto beer of Ramen-eaters and Bernie supporters everywhere.
Michelob Ultra
Wake up. Suck down a protein shake. Snapchat the empty protein shake can. Throw on a t-shirt with sleeves you personally hacked off. CrossFit. Tell everyone you went to CrossFit. Hang out at the smoothie place next to your CrossFit gym to tell people about your CrossFit class. Go home. Jerk off in the shower to your CrossFit instructor. Put on a polo shirt. Iron your jeans. Call the boys. Down some Ultras because they’re the least carb-y. Go home. Jerk off to the boys.
Miller High Life
Ah the Champagne of beers. Like champagne, Miller high life bottles have beautiful slender necks. But unlike Champagne, Miller high life is not drunk in exclusive booths in overpriced clubs, or at bougie Cape Cod Weddings. Miller High life is drunk by people that think they’re better than trash beer but not good enough for a real drink. Give it up, it costs $4.
Miller Lite
You’re the one in the friend group that everyone loves to hate on, but they always invite you to everything. You’re quite literally the lowest common denominator. You won’t offend anyone, and most of the time people won’t even notice you’re there.
Natty Light
Look, I’m really sorry you didn’t get into the most racist frat on campus because you looked a little too tan right before rush. But I’m telling you as a friend: Everyone hates you. They hate the way you slap a Vineyard Vines visor over your already-thinning hair, the way you lie about how many girls you’ve been with, the way you make the “hang loose!” hand gesture in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE, COREY. But mostly, we hate the way you call it “Fratty Lite.”
PBR
Look my guy, PBR does not make you different. Yes, you have probably seen a PBR can spray-painted in Brooklyn and yes I’m sure people that read VICE also drink it, but refusing a bud light for a PBR you paid for yourself makes you an asshole. You’re not different, you’re not special, you haven’t discovered the latest trend, you just like the way the can looks.
Rolling Rock
You donated plasma at the rusty mobile health clinic to have enough money to make it out tonight, didn’t you? A girl has probably called you a scumbag before, and it’s not because you’re some slick scoundrel who fucks. It’s because you literally look like a bag of scum: limp, filthy hoodie you wear everywhere, Phish jammed into the stereo, congealed dick cheese chilling inside your foreskin. You and the crusty beany pulled tight over your so-greasy-you-could-wring-it-out hair just look like a walking infection. I am so, so worried about the people getting your plasma.
Tecate
Before we go any further here, there’s something I need to know. Are you drinking a regular Tecate, or a tallboy? Because they’re two very different beers for two very different kinds of people. If you’re drinking a standard-sized Tecate, you’re probably doing it because there’s nothing else available and you’re on a Tinder date. People who drink the tallboys have one mission: to have enough free-with-purchase tequila shots that their face starts tingling to work up the courage to finger-fuck a girl standing in life for the bathroom. Not even in the actual bathroom — in line for it.
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