Everyone you’ll ever meet in the Ivy League and where you can find them

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Every campus is different and every person is a unique individual. Let’s ignore that mindset for a bit and dig into the clichés that grace the Ivy League community.

Gains Bro (of any gender)

Most likely schedules classes around the best times to go to the gym. Embraced the athleisure trend with open arms. Can’t be seen without a shirt that shows off their arms and/or toned legs. Often seen checking him/herself out in reflection of the Networking Pro’s Ray Bans.

Recently Googled: Best protein powder.
What were they doing Friday night? Breaking a table at a party.
Recent Instagram post: View from the sunrise run this morning.
What they say they want: A great body, because exercise reduces stress.
What they actually want: To watch Netflix with a tub of ice cream.

Networking Pro

This is the person who repeats back your name 20 times in conversation and wears a suit to class every day. Do I smell UPenn Wharton students and the Cornell SC Johnson College of Business? They are commonly seen handing out business cards. Secret motto: WWPBD (What Would Patrick Bateman Do?).

Recently Googled: Rotating tie racks.
What were they doing Friday night? Failing to get a reservation at Dorsia.
What they say they want: An investment banking job on Wall Street.
What they actually want: Parental validation.

Sorority Sister

This girl is actually pretty sweet until you run into her with all of the other girls in her house. She’s decked out in white sneakers, Lululemon leggings, and of course, her letters! You might see her filming a recruitment video or perfecting her sorority’s Tumblr, but being a part of the sisterhood is so much deeper than that.

Recently Googled: What is an ABC party?
What were they doing Friday night? Rallying at a mixer, just like she was last night and will be tomorrow.
Recent Instagram post: Perched atop a flamingo floaty in a pool, taken from juuuust the perfect angle.
What they say they want: To become philanthropy chair and be a good feminist.
What they actually want: To get an Ivy degree, but also become a trophy wife.

Champion of social justice

Never get trapped in the garbage fire that is the comments section of their Facebook statuses. This person would rather go to a protest than class. They are always the first to ask for people’s pronouns.

Recently Googled: Can vegans eat honey?
What were they doing Friday night? Making posters for tomorrow’s solidarity for the bees rally at Union Square.
Recent Instagram post: At the front lines of yesterday’s march.
What they say they want: For the two-party system to stop destroying America.
What they actually want: To wear those Nikes in public, despite the fact that they are totally not sweatshop free.

Fraternity Fuckboy

Although he plagues UPenn, Dartmouth and Cornell, his presence goes beyond the reaches of heavily Greek-affiliated schools. This guy can be found anywhere and will be wearing Sperry’s, pastels, and a dad cap. Often seen walking a dog around campus to attract girls.

Recently Googled: Why are Princeton girls stuck up?
What were they doing Friday night? You know ?
Recent Instagram post: A wannabe I’m Shmacked photo from spring break.
What they say they want: No Friday classes.
What they actually want: Everyone to swipe right on their Tinder profile.

Crunchy hippie

You can find these people wearing a more wholesome version of an Urban Outfitters sale rack and leather Birkenstocks. They will also be seen walking barefoot around the Farmer’s Market, seeking the best kombucha and quinoa bowls. Just leave them alone and let them try not washing their hair for a year.

Recently Googled: Will incense cover the weed smell in my room?
What were they doing Friday night? Drinking Flower Power IPA craft brews at a co-op party.
Recent Instagram post: Views from great hike around Providence or Ithaca.
What they say they want: Peace.
What they actually want: To live in Williamsburg after college and learn how to actually enjoy yoga. Or to become a character in Portlandia.

Eating club/final club member (see also: secret societies)

Because the Ivies aren’t exclusive enough as they are. These people are actually fairly normal, but they thrive in the allure of their organization. Possibly seen shuffling around in a cloak at night?

Recently Googled: Most powerful members of Skull And Bones.
What were they doing Friday night? Having a pizza party in the hallowed halls of their meeting space.
Recent Instagram post: A dark, smokey room with a caption no one understands.
What they say they want: To be the future ringleaders of America.
What they actually want: To curl up with a comfy blanket to protect them from the world.

Art connoisseur

You wish you were as effortlessly cool and cultured as this person. Their go-to outfit is a black turtleneck and chelsea boots. Find them at that one hole-in-the-wall cafe.

Recently Googled: How much is too much to pay for artisanal coffee?
What were they doing Friday night? Making their way around an opening at the local museum.
Recent Instagram post: Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey next to a mug of tea, because “it’s aesthetic.”
What they say they want: To succeed in the Brown/RISD dual degree program.
What they actually want: To stand out from everyone else.

Ivy League athlete

Congrats to @BryceAiken, named to the All-ECAC Second Team! #GoCrimson

A post shared by Harvard Basketball (@harvardbball) on Mar 24, 2017 at 11:20am PDT

Probably an econ major. Just OK at sports. They can be found in a classic groutfit and a backpack with their number on it. Often, this person is spotted hurrying to practice, shuffling to class, and trekking back to their fraternity/sorority.

Recently Googled: Their name, so they can check out their picture on the team roster.
What were they doing Friday night? Playing video games and staying dry, because they’re in season. Obvi.
Recent Instagram post: A repost of that awesome shot taken of them making a shot.
What they say they want: Practice to be canceled tomorrow morning.
What they actually want: No seriously, they just want to get some extra sleep.

STEM nerd

It’s OK, we’re all nerds here. Easily spot them in a t-shirt proudly displaying their college. Often heard complaining about how much harder their classes are compared to the grade inflated courses at Harvard.

Recently Googled: Upcoming Ivy hackathons.
What were they doing Friday night? Doing lines of co…de.
Recent Instagram post: They don’t use Instagram, they use the new social network app they’re hoping takes off, because they’re the next Mark Zuckerberg.
What they say they want: Their school to be ranked highest.
What they actually want: To stop being the butt of all the jokes on meme pages.

Future politician

They probably convinced you to change your cover photo to endorse their student government run. Find them at a pre-professional fraternity meeting wearing a Vineyard Vines button down. Maybe a vest.

Recently Googled: How to get into Yale Law.
What were they doing Friday night? Following around some networking pros to the bars.
Recent Instagram post: An ancient TBT of them with some senator who just got re-elected.
What they say they want: Change.
What they actually want: Access to their trust fund.

Rich international student

Often seen riding around campus in their new Lamborghini. They can probably convince you they are royalty in their home country.

Recently Googled: Why do Americans speak with an upward inflection?
What were they doing Friday night? Perfecting their guy/girl ratio to get into the best frat parties.
Recent Instagram post: Anything from the trip they took to Europe over the long weekend.
What they say they want: An all-American, Ivy League college experience.
What they actually want: Not to be stereotyped by ethnocentrists.

Anxious studier

Their presence MAKES YOU APPREHENSIVE. These people can be found inhaling brain food at the worst cafe on campus. They wear anything comfy enough to wear all day in the library and raise their hand at least ten times in every lecture.

Recently Googled: Are natural Adderall alternatives safe?
What were they doing Friday night? Staying up until 2am in the library making flashcards for an an exam happening next month.
Recent Instagram post: Perfectly rewritten notes for their studyblr account.
What they say they want: A good GPA.
What they actually want: A good GPA.

Social butterfly

How are there enough hours in the day for them to balance their sleep, social life, and school work, and still be that friendly and charismatic? Their smile is as crisp as their freshly washed clothes. How do they get around to doing it in a timely manner?

Recently Googled: How to multitask well.
What were they doing Friday night? Hopping to every place around campus to keep up appearances, but wishing they could just stay in and watch Netflix.
Recent Instagram post: Anything with at least five different filtering apps but still looks “untouched.”
What they say they want: To make it onto the Ivy Snapchat story as often as possible.
What they actually want: For everyone to realize they’re just an outgoing introvert.

#Roomie

You spend way too much time in close proximity with this person. They can be found wearing your clothes and you know where they are 24/7.

Recently Googled: Is my roommate stealing my food?
What were they doing Friday night? Probably whatever you were doing.
Recent Instagram post: You’re probably in it, too.
What they say they want: A college best friend.
What they actually want: Personal space.