All the things you deal with if you only gain weight to your stomach

I drank like three glasses of water yesterday, did 15 sit-ups, and still look like this. What gives?

If you’re one of those girls who always gains weight to your stomach, you’ve probably always been that way — and you’ve probably gotten good at dealing with it.

You know there are worse problems to have, but you can’t help but wonder: Why couldn’t it have been the boobs or the butt?

You can’t tell if your boobs or stomach rolls are larger

When you’re sitting and looking down, it’s like you don’t know where one begins and the other ends. I swear, one of these days I am going to be hooking up with a guy, he’s going to grab a roll instead of a boob, and I’m not going to have the heart to tell him what’s what.

You want to kill people who complain about bloating on their period

Imagine being terminally bloated.

Being on top during sex is nerve-wracking 

I alway want getting on top to feel like I imagine it does in the movies — you know, nipples grazing his face as you rock to orgasm. But the only handles available here are my waist, so he’s about to learn the real definition of “bounce.”

Bras are always too tight on the band, but too loose in the actual boob department 

Is a 38 B an actual bra size? Because the people at Victoria’s Secret keep telling me no — but nobody knows me better than me, right?

Low-rise jeans are the actual devil

Because I have a shopping problem, I own about 14 pairs of jeans, and they’re all high-waisted. It just tucks in there so nicely.

Even when you eat healthy and lose weight, you never lose it there

I could eat nothing but celery for the rest of my life and I would still have a round stomach.

Long, flow-y dresses are the safest summer look

Silk is always best. It doesn’t stick to the wrong parts when you sit, and doesn’t draw attention to problem places.

You never look good in photos from the side 

I swear photos of me from the side aren’t actually me. I literally refuse to accept it.

Or in any photos other people take for that matter

I only ever see myself from the front, so I’m pretty sure that’s the only version of me that actually exists.

Half-tucked shirts are a godsend

People think we’re doing it to be stylish, but we’re really just trying to distract from our waistline.

You’re always conscious of how you’re sitting 

I’m pretty sure I have back problems from sucking in all day, but I’ll also never stop. I’ve committed for this long.

Layers are your best friend 

I never feel safer than when I’m wrapped in about nine shawls, and four jean jackets — my sweet, sweet disguise.

You always look best in selfies 

Selfies are great because you can control the parts of your body allowed in the shot, and can also contour from the boobs up for the added illusion of cleavage.

You get nervous about people touching your stomach while hooking-up 

Hands always gravitate towards the stomach while making out, and you slowly guide them towards your waistband as a means of distracting.

People mistake you for slim because you have the chest of a 13-year-old 

For some reason boobless and slim go hand in hand, and they just shouldn’t?

Guys jokingly point it out after/during sex 

They’ll say things like, “Do you go to the gym?” or “your stomach is cute”.

Peplum tops are you best friend

It’s like they’re made for people our shape. Tight on top, loose on bottom. Although sometimes it just accentuates the problem.

Tank-tops and tight shirts do not look good under any circumstance 

I never throw them out because I have dreams of them working one day, but it’s not realistic. I’ve literally never worn them and never will.

People ask if you go to the gym 

They’re never sure because we have a pancake ass and ribbed boobs, but certainly don’t look “toned” by any means.

The only workout you ever do is sit-ups

And like, 10 later we still look the same? What’s the deal?

Belts are never a good idea

When people say “Just belt it!” I have to walk into the other room so I don’t lose my temper.

Winter is the best season

Winter means big coats, and big coats mean I can stop sucking in for two seconds. 

And, of course, you know you overthink it

Realistically, you are probably the only person who has ever thought about your stomach — and you are probably the only person who ever will. So don’t sweat it.

@carolinephinney