The best beauty products to wear for your next dick appointment
Keep that look fresh aaall night
Honestly, a good dick appointment can leave you looking more ravaged and torn up than a six-month tour of duty in Iraq.
Without getting too graphic, we all know what a toll the kissin', touchin', uh-huh-in' can do to your perfectly-applied face of makeup and meticulously-styled hair. Unless you have the right products, that is.
I've taken on the very hard (looool) task of testing and vetting to bring you the best products for your next sex sesh to keep this from happening to you:
me before a dick appointment vs me after pic.twitter.com/ksvekgjypR
— avery (@sushiqueen_) July 14, 2016
Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray, $27
If I learned anything in my 7+ years of sexual activity, it's that doing your hair before doing it is a fool's errand. Binch, you know he's just gonna pull it anyway.
Fuck curling, straightening and styling — just spritz this is your hair beforehand (wet or dry, doesn't matter) and tousle it with your fingers. It'll make you look like you have sex hair even before the actual sex.
Nyx Soft Focus Primer, $9
Holy SHIT, you guys. I discovered this last week at Target, and became instantly obsessed. You know that Milk Blurring Primer stick everyone is so into right now? This is exactly the same thing only a fraction of the price.
It makes your skin velvety, blurs any dark marks or imperfections so you can use less foundation, and keeps your makeup firmly stuck your face even when it's face-down in a pillow or at church or whatever. The only kind of sucky thing is that you hit pan incredibly fast, but for $9, does it even matter? Just stock up on a few each time you buy.
Makeup Forever Pro Bronze Fusion Bronzer, $36
Look, you gotta be bronze for your meet-up. It's the law. It's also the law — and a universal one — that during/after your D.A., your face will be wet from sweat/tears/other things, and it's absolutely crucial that this doesn't fuck-up your bronzer. It is your duty as a bad bitch from hell to stay fresh and glow-y, no matter the cost. Luckily, this stuff does the work for you:
It's creamy but not wet, golden but not shiny, effective but still natural. It's perfect, actually. I just picked up a new bronzer from MAC but writing this is making me miss my glorious MUFE compact and I'm thinking of bolting to Sephora on my lunch break for a quick fix of the good stuff.
Hard Candy So Baked Illuminator in Tiki, $8
A queen is nothing without her highlighter. Don't be fooled by the name of this product (it's technically a bronzer) or the fact that they keep it locked up next to the J.Lo perfumes at Wal-Mart. This stuff is incredible.
It's an excellent dupe for my holy grail highlighter by Laura Mercier, and the price is right. A little dusting along the top of your cheekbones and cupid's bow is standard, but sweep a bit across your collar bones and the tops of your titties to make them shine like the dome of the Chrysler Building.
Maybelline Eye Studio Color Tattoo Eyeshadow, $7
Lifehack: If you know your eye makeup will be smudged over the course of an event or evening, intentionally smudge it up to begin with. That way, any extracurricular smudging becomes just part of the look. If you're going to do dick appointment eye looks, just go straight for the heroin-chic look and pretend it's 1998.
These little Maybelline pots of cream shadow are the perfect tools to achieve it, and they're cheap as hell so you can buy a million of them. They stay on for several hours, but if it's true longevity you're after then upgrade to their high-dollar cousins, the Makeup Forever waterproof cream shadows.
MAC Lip Pencils, $18
This is the secret to your lip color don't coming off on the dick. Or his lips, whatever. Liquid lipsticks can be so drying, meaning one crack and you look like you've been dehydrated for 50 years and cream lipsticks slip and slide. This is the way out.
💝Карандаши для губ MAC Lip Pencil – это великолепные помощники для создания идеального контура губ!💋 С их помощью можно прекрасно моделировать размер и форму своих губок, доводя их до полного совершенства!💋 💖 MAC Lip Pencil имеет нежную, кремовую текстуру при этом они очень стойкие! ❗️Карандаш идеально наносится на контур и подходит для закрашивания всей поверхности губ. 💰Цена: 459 грн. #mac #macоригинал #мак #macua #maccosmetic #macкосметика #macкосметикаукраина #macзаказать #macукраина #macukraine #macкупить #macкупитьукраина #maclippencil #lippencils #macконтурныекарандаши #маккарандашидлягуб
They seriously last for ages, y'all, and there are SO many shades to choose from. Not only do the shades last forever, but so do the actual sticks. Deadass, I've worn Boldly Bare basically every single day for over a year and still have a ton left. Can't afford not to buy it, tbh.
Glossier Stretch Concealer, $18
True story: I once put this on early Friday morning for brunch, walked around all day, got day drunk, then went to bars to get night drunk, then hooked up with my ex and woke up on Saturday afternoon — and it was still there.
It's buildable too, so you can either spackle it tf on (me) or just use a light touch for correction. Bonus Jonas, Glossier Edition: try their Cloud Paint cream blush for an equally pretty-natural-lasts-forever situation:
The Glossier Cloud Paints are officially here! The perfect cream-gel blush with a hint of collagen. Get yours now at glossier.com/reps/cindy ! Link is in profile. ☁️HAZE 🎨PUFF ☁️DUSK 🎨BEAM I know these swatches are extremely pigmented but they blend in like a dream and do. not. budge. I have a few (ton) of posts in my IG story so head through for some inspo! They're available for $18 each or $30 for 2 (using code 2BLUSH)! (I'd say get 2 and snag that free shipping 😉) *disclaimer: my feed is going to be crazy full of cloud paint goodness for a while – get ready, get excited.*
Let's talk about mascaras, 'cause we've got some options
Everyone needs multiple mascaras for their various #lewks, and what you wear to the dick appointment is no exception. What's your vibe for the evening? Sultry and classic like a Victoria's Secret model? Try the Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara ($23).
Te gustan las pestañas con muchos volumen? Too Faced Better Than Sex disponible para entrega inmediata. ENVIOS A TODO HONDURAS. Mas info. Whatsapp 31852062. #toofaced#toofacedhn#sps#tegucigalpa#smc#toofacedbetterthansex#betterthansexmascara#choluteca#maquillajehn#0601#makeuphn#makeupstorehn#beautystorehn#tgu#ventashn#maquillajehonduras#shophn#storehn#toofacedmascara#sanlorenzo#honduras#comprashn#betterthansex#cholu#salehn#boutiquehn#cosmeticoshonduras#sanpedrosula#504makeup#toofacedhonduras
Is your look modern and fresh-faced? You neeeed the L'Oreal Telescopic mascara ($10). Edgy and sassy? Urban Decay Perversion mascara ($22) — u pervert! Boho and whimsical? Tarte's Lights, Camera, Lashes ($23). No matter your look, though, alwaaaays get the waterproof version. Always.