This whole ‘pretending to like yoga’ thing has gotten way out of hand, y’all
It’s a slippery, slippery slope
Every morning I walk down the street consumed by confusion — my stomach in knots — and it’s all because of one four letter word that continues to allude me. No, I don’t mean love. I’m talking about something way more perplexing: Yoga.
Healthy, happy, workout-girls fly past me with their DeTox Tea in reusable mugs, as I struggle — heavily caffeinated and out of breath — up the slight incline that paves the way to the office chair I’ll sit in, motionless, all day.
It’s true, I live in New York where it seems women are all-powerful and can work 13-hour days, while still finding time to do morning yoga and maintain a balanced diet — so for a while they had me fooled. But then that got me to wondering, “Why can’t I?”
I wake up at 5:30 like all successful people who read, do yoga, make smoothies and watch videos on facebook about how to walk on quicksand.
— Suleman (@NamelusWonder) April 20, 2017
So I tried, and for a while things were good. I ordered a mat on Amazon, set all of the necessary alarms, and even splurged on a pair of Lululemon leggings and posted a pic on Instagram — “Guess this is me now!” — so I knew I couldn’t back out of it. But deep down, I was in denial.
That’s when it dawned on me: Of course there was no magic answer. None of these people are actually having a good time at all — it’s all a charade, I’m convinced of it.
Kind of like how we all pretend to enjoy the green juice bar at Whole Foods, or spending time with our friends’ significant others. Fake, right?
I’m all for girls loving things unabashedly, but yoga crosses a line that we just cannot come back from, and I’m scared about what this means for the future. First we start pretending to like yoga, and then we fall into a dark hole of pretending to orgasm. What’s next, pretending to enjoy creamy peanut butter? I just won’t stand for it, I’m telling you.
We can quit while we’re ahead and go back to running on the treadmill and being OK with the fact we aren’t enjoying it — treadmills were never really trendy, were they?
Once one brave soul stands up and says it, the rest will follow. There is power in numbers.