Is it weird that I’m not friends with any of my exes?

Actually, I hope they all die


No, I don't actually hope they die. And I know the number one comment on this article is going to be something like "If you have a problem with everyone, then the problem is probably you."

I know I'm a huge fucking problem, ok? Let's get that out of the way first.

But honestly, I will never understand the kinds of women who stay friends with their exes. Or men who stay friends with their exes for that matter.

Maybe it's because most of my relationships end in disaster, maybe it's because I don't really have any straight male friends to begin with. What can I say, I just don't enjoy like, any of the activities straight men typically enjoy. Whatever it is, after a relationship ends, I'm totally fine to continue living my life like they never existed.

To me, the idea of spending totally platonic time with someone I once shared stunning physical and emotional entities with is beyond foreign — it's a kind of awkward and strange I couldn't even imagine doing.

Actually, I have tried to do it before. Someone I dated for like, nine months asked me to hang out as friends a few months after we broke up. Surprise! We wound up having sex! *pretends to be shocked*

And if you really think about the mechanics of relationships, it kind of makes sense. What's that thing people always tweet that's like, "dating is just gathering information on someone until you realize you don't like them anymore." When two people break up, it's almost never because of that fabled Hollywood I-love-you-so-much-the-timing-isn't-right-I'll-pine-for-you-forever trope Rachel McAdams has made a fortune off portraying. A breakup usually boils down to one of three things:

1. One person did something horrible to the other

2. One person just doesn't like the other anymore

3. One person has started liking someone else instead

Any of those reasons are stinging and painful enough to write the other person off. Maybe if you've been married for years and get a divorce it might be realistic to stay together for the kids, but why the fuck would I want to see my exes from college Instagram pictures of them at like, Top Golf or whatever? What does that add to my life?

To me — and I'm sure to lots of you — it all makes perfect sense. But to waaay to many men and women, not wanting to stay friends with exes makes you a bitch or crazy or mean or childish. Spoiler alert: I'm all of those things, but not because I don't want to go to the movies with someone, knowing exactly what their dick looks like but also knowing that he's gonna go put it in someone else later.

Actually, now I know why: I'm clearly incredibly possessive.