Sorry I can’t date you, I’m already being emotionally manipulated by someone else

Oh my gosh, you’re too sweet. I’m flattered, really. But I can’t go out with you. I’m just way to busy getting mind-fucked right now.

It’s like a carrot dangling just out of reach thing, you know? My iPhone calendar is just so full of pseudo-dates that he’ll either never bother to show up to or just cancel so he can ask me to come over instead. And honestly, you’re being really nice right now but I just can’t commit to being emotionally neglected by two people at once. Like, when would I have time to ever go to the gym? And then my body would get even worse, and I’d probably die of something preventable and it’ll be all your fault.

I’m really sorry, I just have a full plate right now. Literally right after this I have to go lay there while he pretends to “forget” that he shouldn’t come inside me, and then pay for myself and probably him to get some tacos even though he promised to “get me back next time.” There really isn’t ever a next time, I know in my heart of hearts. But when have any of my choices ever made sense and been made with my best interest in mind?

Seriously though, I’m flattered you asked and maybe if the timing was different you could totally scar me for life and give me all kinds of crazy trust issues but that’s just not my situation right now.

I hope we can still be friends, by which I mean you’ll send me a drunken dick pic over Snap and then immediately write back with “Oops, not for you.”