How to say Happy St Patrick’s Day in Irish, and other ways to fake your way through today

Today is St Patrick’s Day — a day when pale white people across America join together in a collective attempt to pretend to be Irish. But what’s the best way to convince your less-Irish friends that you’re the real deal?

I’ve been doing this for years, massively overstating my heritage to the ire of the many actual Irish people in my family and friendship group. Here is some expert advice.

How do you say Happy St Patrick’s Day in Irish?

“Lá fhéile Pádraig sona dhuit!” is “Happy St Patrick’s Day” in Gaelic if you’re speaking to one person. Phonetically, that’s “lah leh PAH-drig SUN-uh gwitch.”

To a group, say “lá fhéile Pádraig sona dhaoibh!” which phonetically is “lah luh PAH-drig SUN-uh YEE-uv.”

If you want a more religious way of saying it, go for “beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig dhuit!” which you pronounce “BAN-ukh-tee nuh FAY-leh PAH-drig gwitch.” This means “St Patrick’s Day blessings to you!”

To a group of people, you’d say “beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig oraibh!” pronounced “BAN-ukh-tee nuh FAY-leh PAH-drig ur-iv.”

How do you say cheers in Irish?

This one’s much easier – it’s just “sláinte!” or “slawn-cheh.”

What’s an Irish car bomb? Is it offensive to order one?

An Irish car bomb is a cocktail made by “bombing” a shot of Irish cream (Bailey’s) and whiskey (-ey not y) into a pint of Irish stout (Guinness). In most Irish bars in America it’s seen as fine and totally hilarious to order one of these — however in Ireland, where actual car bombs were something of a staple of the Troubles throughout the last century, it’s seen as way less funny.

To give some perspective, an Irish colleague once told me an anecdote where an American tourist went into a bar in Belfast and loudly ordered an Irish car bomb. The barman told the tourist they don’t serve such a drink, but that he had an alternative. He poured out two shots of sambuca, stood them next to each other, lit them, and said “there you go mate — how about the Twin Towers?”

Who was St Patrick?

St Patrick was a British (yes really) missionary who is credited with bringing Christianity to Ireland. He was kidnapped by Irish pirates as a 16-year-old and held captive for six years, during which time he “heard a voice” telling him he would return home soon, which helped him strengthen his belief in the Christian faith. After studying in France, he returned to Ireland as a missionary.

Legends about him include driving all the snakes out of Ireland, using a shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity, having a walking stick that grew into a living tree, and trying to convert two of Fionn mac Cumhaill‘s warriors to Christianity.

Any funny Irish jokes?

Q: What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

A: “You alright in the back there, lads?”

So no.

When is St Patrick’s Day?

Today, March 17. You drunk already?