The gifts we actually want from our boyfriends this year

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Snow, decorations and putting our boyfriends to the ultimate test of trying to figure out what we want for Christmas without us having to tell them. We’ll be the first to admit it’s a slippery slope to try to navigate. God forbid they get us something too small, or worse, too big (is this what you really think of me?!)

So, to the men whom we love, we’ll save you the trouble this year and just tell you what we REALLY want for Christmas.

A puppy

Or a kitten

But actually a puppy

For him to not sit me next to his bitchy older sister at dinner simply because we are of a similar age and both female… or grandma… or cousin

For him to avoid encouraging any conversation that relates to politics at the Christmas table

For him to stop pretending he’s “busy” when he’s really just playing PS4

For something other than what the woman at Macy’s/his older sister picked out

Although a blanket scarf is never a bad call

For him to text me back when I’ve sent 10 messages

For him to text me back … period

Jewelry is always a nice touch

For him to last longer than five minutes

For him to make sure I finish too

For him to put the seat down

For him to trust me when I go out without him

For him to find my drunk texts funny not ‘creepy’ or ‘overbearing’ or ‘weird’ or ‘unnecessary’

For him to also just trust me and delete that voicemail I left at 3am last night before listening to it because it’d be better for everyone involved

For him to understand that a sex playlist is not “classic,” it’s just weird

For him to stop solely picking out rompers when I ask him his opinion on outfits because in no version do I not look fat

For him to stop stealing my socks

For him to pick up on my not so subtle hints

For him to unfollow those Instagram hoes

For him to have me in his pro pic so he actively acknowledges I exist so I know he cares <3

For him to make breakfast, or lunch, or dinner, or the bed…

For him to buy a new god damn pair of jeans and stop trying to pass off those khakis from college as a good look

For him to wear real shoes (not sneakers) out at night

For him to give me time while I’m attempting to get ready

For him to stop trying to play with my hair… we both know I haven’t brushed it in days

For him to text me he misses me, even if it’s just one of those autocorrect options

For him to stop trying to fuck me while I’m attempting to get ready… respect the process, dude

For him to stop telling me he prefers me without makeup, I like makeup

For him to just buy his own fucking socks already

For him to want to share a bottle of wine at dinner instead of just ordering beers because that’s what he likes

For him to stop leaving beard hairs in my sink

For him to stop leaving pubes in the shower

For him to stop falling asleep before me

For him to stop falling asleep before literally every activity

For him to stop tricking me into eating gluten, I’m allergic ffs

For him to bring me chocolate when I’m on my period and any other normal day

For him to not get angry when I steal his sweatshirts… What’s yours is mine, right?

For him to defriend any girl he’s even remotely ever had a crush on

For him to go down on me first

For him to stop hanging out with his ex

For him to finally understand that “I’m fine” does NOT mean I’m fine.

No more morning sex, for the love of god

And no more whiskey dick when we’re horny

No more checking out other girls – we don’t care if you’re “just looking”

For him to care about me as much as he cares about sports

A baseline understanding on his part of the fact that red lipstick means no kissing

An updated Facebook relationship status

For him to stop trying to get me to “eat healthier”

For him to stop shitting on my favorite TV shows and movies

For him to maybe not fart while we’re spooning?

For him to spoon me until I fall asleep, even if his arm does go numb

For him to pick me as his +1, not his friends

For him to buy me a drink at the bar considering my hands are empty and three creepy guys whom I’m NOT DATING already offered

For him to just watch Gossip Girl with me

For him to clean his sheets more than once a month… hell, I’ll even settle for once a month

For him to just leave me the fuck alone about anal

For him to leave me alone about putting his finger up there too

For him to accept the fact that girls poop… and therefore I poop

For him to let me shower on my own

For him to stop staring at my unfinished food and asking if I’m going to eat that… YES I AM

For him to let me take an hour to pick a movie/place to eat and when I can’t decide come up with the exact movie/place I was subconsciously thinking of the whole time

So basically, yes, for him to read my mind

For him to accept that I am always right

For him to NEVER use the phrase “K.” or “sup” again

I would just like a boyfriend… A boyfriend for Christmas would be nice

CONTRIBUTORS: Amanda Ross, Ashley Webster, Cait Munro, Jennie Gale, Laura FitzPatrick and Sarah Desiderio.

@dizzyyydesi