Christmas gifts for the fuckboy in your life

Because your presence clearly isn’t enough for him

‘Twas the night before Christmas and not a creature was stirring, not even a spouse … well, thanks to the fuckboy in your life. He takes you iceskating, you cuddle in hideous festive jumpers, but he still can’t cope with the commitment of actually being your boyfriend.

Somehow, something in your brain tells you he deserves a gift these holidays though, so you’re stuck with this impending difficulty of picking something out. But no need to look any further, because here’s everything your fuckboy deserves this year.

A photo album

For his numerous unsolicited dick pics. There’s too many to keep on his phone and they’re probably taking up all his memory. Instead of forcing him to delete them, gift him a photo album full of them because you certainly wouldn’t want them to go to waste. They’re taken oh-so-carefully, and always he makes sure to select the right angles. Perhaps he’s even tried the Grey Sweatpants Challenge.

These are true pieces of art that deserve to be preserved for years to come.

A break up text

If you’re broke af and planning to get in on the Turkey Drop (or whatever the winter holiday version of that is called).

A Netflix membership

Or just the 30-day free trial …

If you’re fed up of Stranger Things pausing every single time he comes round for a Netflix and Chill sesh because you’re still using your mom’s account, this present is for you.

You’ll be able to purchase this one with no stress and if you keep the login details, it doubles up as a present for you too.


‘Tis the season for spreading joy, not STIs. That shit is nasty, who knows where he’s been.

Get thee to Duane Reade and buy that man some Trojans.

A phone

So he can actually text you back.

Consider a Nokia 3310 because he doesn’t deserve a camera (the aforementioned dick pics) and he’ll never have the excuse of having “no battery.”

A cookie jar

He can’t seem to keep his hands out the cookie jar, so he’d probably appreciate a new one.


Sure, he’s got one for every single situation ever, and sure, you don’t even like them but he will really appreciate this one.

It’s extra special with reference to girl power.

Spare SIM card

So he doesn’t get caught slipping. Averaging out as pretty cheap, provided you use his card to sign up for the monthly payments.