A definitive ranking of the Trump family by how much I want to punch them in the face

Square up, Ivanka


This week has played out like a fever dream I once had after accidentally taking too much NyQuil. Despite the fact that less than half the country voted for him, Donald Trump has somehow weasled his way to the top, becoming our President-elect. Moving from Trump Tower to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue doesn’t suddenly make him or his white trash family any less of a collective dumpster fire, however.

Below is a definitive ranking of exactly how NYC-cum-DC’s version of the Beverly Hillbillies rank by how much I’d like to punch them in the face.

6. Tiffany Trump

Thank you to everyone who watched my speech last night! #gopconvention #RNCinCLE looking forward to tonight! ❤️??

A photo posted by Tiffany Ariana Trump (@tiffanytrump) on

Though she looks like the kind of gal who definitely drops memes with the n-word on them in her group chats, there is no real basis for wanting to punch Tiffany Trump in the face. With a Wikipedia page that says things like “Trump is a frequent user of Instagram,” Tiff is born to be mild and, therefore, un-punchable. Bonus points for skillfully evading her father’s creepy kiss after the second debate and extra bonus points for being the daughter Trump least wants to screw.

2/10, would fight in Instagram comments

5. Melania Trump

Poor Melania. She doesn’t really deserve a punch her in her sexy-jungle-cat face. She just needs a drink thrown in it, preferably something blowout-ruining that’ll take like, a quart of shampoo to get out. Her only real infractions include stealing from future POTUS Michelle Obama and, of course, being married to the Circus Peanut with a tooth stuck in it that is Donald Trump.

5/10, would throw martini in eyelash extensions

4. Ivanka Trump

ivanka trump speech

I’m exactly zero percent afraid to admit that I would fight Ivanka Trump anytime, anywhere. If she turned on her Twitter location right now, I would Uber over there to square up. Ivanka is the Trump family’s down-low dirtbag: under that mask of perfect contour and pseudo-feminism is a mangled robot circuit board that runs on hypocrisy. First, she refuses to answer tough interview questions about maternity policy even after championing it as proof of her father caring about women. Then, it comes to light that her own company didn’t even have the paid maternity policy she claims she’s always been passionate about. She is, though, a symbol of it-could-be-worse for people with shitty dads: hey, at least he doesn’t want to fuck you!

8/10, would backhand to teach a lesson

3. Donald Trump, Jr.

donald trump junior

Pictured left (the one with the especially vacant stare), Donald, Jr. loves to arbitrarily kill unsuspecting animals with rifles, which means he has a giant penis. Right? This vile dude is the loudmouth you went to high school with who thinks it’s both OK and hilarious to make disgusting “too soon” jokes about national tragedies, compare refugees to Skittles and throw in the occasional (and totally appropriate!) reference to gas chambers. Fun! If women who can’t handle sexual harassment don’t belong in the workplace, then men who look like they would participate in The Purge don’t belong on earth.

9/10, would beat his ass and livestream it

2. Eric Trump

Beautiful day to play at Trump National Jupiter @larayunaska

A photo posted by Eric F. Trump (@erictrump) on

The man semi-responsible for the spawn of the #repealthe19th trending topic deserves to get knocked tf out. Now couple that with his “alpha personality” defense against his father’s boasts of sexual assault. Are you thinking of a more medieval form of retribution now? Now factor in his resemblance to a naked mole rat. Ladies, we revolt at dawn.

9.5/10, would punch but only in balls

1. Donald Trump, Sr.

Here’s the part where his sexual assault accusations could be discussed. I could talk about his systematic degradation of women, minorities and disabled Americans. I could drudge up his blatant lies, his inability to focus on issues, the way he says “China.” But I won’t. Because when they go low, I go lower. Donald Trump is the most punchable person on earth because he could never fight back. On account of those little bitty hands.

10/10, would punch square in the face