Vegetarians live longer than meat-eaters – here’s how I plan to spend my extra years on Earth

A 2016 study from the AOA said meat could be killing us


A recent study investigating whether or not eating meat is dangerous to your health had some surprising results. As it turns out, those who don’t eat meat can expect to live a glorious 3.6 years longer than those who do.

Apparently, eating any amount of meat, whether it be a slice of bacon every once in a while or a Big Mac for every meal, significantly raises your risk of cardiovascular disease, cancer, diabetes, heart attack, and therefore, death. For those avid carnivores out there, the news must come as quite the shock. However, for myself and the other tree-hugging hipsters who’ve kicked the meat-eating habit, our future looks very bright.

After all my closest friends and family have kicked the can thanks to their nasty habit of meat consumption, I plan to live it up, frolicking nude in a lush garden of fresh vegetables. To all the vegetarians out there, here’s a comprehensive list of all the cool stuff you’ll be able to do in your extra 3.6 years.

Travel the world

We’ve all dreamt of climbing the Swiss Alps barefoot and living in a tent with a Tibetan monk for months on end. Thanks to your love of veggies, your travel plans won’t have to come out of your meager vacation days. You’ve got a whole 187 extra weeks to live out our wildest dreams.

Watch 31,536 more hours of Netflix

Think of all the episodes of Game of Thrones, Jane the Virgin, Bob’s Burgers and Broad City you’ll be able to watch. Meat-eaters will envy your surplus of time to binge-watch shows as you binge-eat kale chips.

Start a small business

You’ll no longer doubt yourself, asking questions like, “Will my brief life expectancy allow my business ample time to establish its reputation and develop a reliable customer base?” That gluten-free Vietnamese-Parisian fusion coffee shop that’s been your brain child for ages can finally become a reality.

Live off the grid

You can’t tell me you’ve never been tempted by the thought of living in a treehouse in the middle of a tropical rainforest, harvesting wild papayas for sustenance and knitting together blankets out of woven banana leaves for warmth. Now’s your chance to give it a shot.

Adopt a pet tortoise

Tortoises are notorious for having lifespans close to 200+ years. You’ll no longer have to worry about your pet turtle outliving you. Since you’re a veggie-eater, you guys will be buds till the very end.

Have brunch with your favorite feminist powerhouse

Beyoncé will gladly take your call to go grab french toast and mimosas knowing she won’t be cutting into any of your fleeting time on Earth. You’ve got a whole 100+ years of life ahead of you. There’s plenty of time for breakfast tacos.