Here’s what it’s really like to be a Southern Debutante

Everything you didn’t see on Gossip Girl


Many southern belles dream of coming out into society with debutante. Debutante is the long time southern tradition and somewhat rite of passage in which girls become women. This is done through etiquette classes where you learn lady like things such as the proper way to walk, which utensils to eat with and when etc. You also learn traditional dances like the waltz and show your family on debut day how much you’ve learned, usually with a fancy dinner followed by choreographed ballroom dancing. However, the debutante process isn’t all ball gowns and silk gloves.

When I was thirteen I participated in cotillion, a less expensive and more simplistic version of debutante. I expected to nail the dances, learn how to be a lady and dance with cute boys. Basically I expected it to be like the end scene of She’s the Man. But instead the instructors were mean and strict, the etiquette lessons were ridiculous and I had to dance with a bunch of sweaty palmed prepubescent boys who didn’t know their right from their left. Though my friends and I had a blast dressing up and messing up the dances we all agreed cotillion was pretty overrated.

I interviewed Caila Anderson, an 18-year old freshman at Loyola University about being a debutante. She participated in a debutante hosted by DeIta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc., the same sorority her mother is a part of, in hopes of becoming a member in the future.  Although she had a much better experience than I did, she agreed that many aspects of the process were different than she expected. Here are a few things about debutante that they didn’t show us on Gossip Girl.

It puts your social life on hold 

“I personally didn’t like that it took a lot of me out of my school work and social life. It was just a lot more work than any of us anticipated. It restricted a lot more of my outside activities than I thought it would.”

It’s long AF

“The entire process from beginning to end was exactly a year.”

School Dress code is nothing compared to Debutante dress code

“Every girl had to be in a pure white dress. It could not be off white or a variation, there had to be sleeves or something on your shoulders- it could not be strapless-and it had to be floor-length. Your shoes had to be max 2-inches high, gloves up your arm and the hair had to be a certain way along with a certain amount of makeup. This was all meant for consistency and presentation.”

It’s stressful 

“Preparation was very stressful but also fun because I had about 10 other girls that we’re going through the exact same thing with me and knew all the struggles that went along with choosing an escort, a dress, the proper hairstyle, what would be the most comfortable shoes, and how my makeup should be. It became a lot of work over the course of the year that no one in my family had intended on, but somehow it all came together.”

Much of the expenses are actually covered

“I had to pay for my dress and shoes but the cotillion coordinators paid for everything else like hair styling, the make up artist, and food-whenever we were doing debutante related things.”

You learn to be a poised lady AND a smart lady 

“With the debutante process there were a lot of rules and regulations. As part of preparation, we had to participate in an etiquette class, how to walk with poise, how to enter a room, etc. We also had to take dancing lessons in preparation for the debut day along with various workshops related STEM programs and being a successful black women in our society.”

You make new friends 

“Getting to know and understand all these new people in that way was so much fun. They were all very vibrant and outgoing people which helped me get out of my comfort zone easier. Being surrounded fully by black people my age especially was a new concept that I really enjoyed. I adore my friends, but I was able to talk more freely about things and joke about other concepts in a way that had been taboo for me before then. Everything said was a joke and every time we were all together it was like a party. There really wasn’t a dull moment and I admire that so much about each of them because being around people of your culture in that seeing you get so close and it’s just a good time. I really enjoyed doing that.”

“Gyasi [her date] and I became such good friends and we were super close throughout the process and after that. The guys and girls all still talk through GroupMe or check in with each other through Snapchat.”

 It forces you to step outside your comfort zone 

“I felt as if I was out of place and not in my comfort zone, but I had to allow myself to be comfortable and okay with the new environment. It was difficult at first making new friends, but then we began bonding and it became easier. It ended up being so rewarding because I got to learn so much about all my new friends and who they really are.”

So whether you’re thinking about signing up for debutante or are still on the fence about it, the attitude you have going into it and the people you do it with really make all the difference.