Experiences all girls have on their periods

Ah, periods.

The Red Scare. The Crimson Horror. Shark Week. Mother Eve’s eternal gift to womankind.

Sure, women will talk about the cramps and the mood swings, but there are many aspects of the monstrous menstrual experience that are rarely talked about.

Lucky for you, dear readers, I’m willing to elaborate on a few of those infrequently discussed but widely endured thoughts and feelings a lot of ladies encounter while they’re in the red.

The feeling

You ladies know exactly what feeling I’m talking about.

The irrational anger you feel towards unrealistic tampon/pad commercials

Okay, who the fuck actually wears white pants while on their period?

I call bullshit, Tampax.

If you’re feeling bold enough to take that risk, then more power to you. I, on the other hand, will be wearing as much dark clothing as humanly possible until the nightmare ends.

Look, I read The Clique series growing up—I don’t want a Claire-gets-a-big-red-stain-on-the-seat-of-her-pants situation on my hands. Granted, hers was a paint splotch drawn on by some mean tween, but I will never do that dance with the devil. Knowing my luck, I will trip mid-foxtrot and Satan will unleash his fiery crimson wrath on my trousers and laugh as I waddle away in damp shame.

Get the picture, Always Infinity? I will not be jumping off the high dive at the community pool. I will not be twirling around a dance floor in a cream-colored dress. I will not be going rollerblading, mostly because I’m terrible at rollerblading, but that’s beside the point.

Instead, I will be sleeping, eating, taking Advil, watching things that make me cry, and putting minimal effort into any other required activities for at least the first three days of my cycle.

And that is it.

Eating everything

I’m not just talking about feeding a pizza craving you might get mid-menses.

I’m talking the inhaling-every-edible-thing-in-sight-because-you-need-to-have-all-of-the-food-on-Earth-in-your-mouth-right-this-goddamn-second kind of eating.

I’m half convinced that there’s set of gremlins lurking in my ovaries that rip their way through my abdomen and into my stomach once a month. They then consume every morsel of food that enters my body before I can fully digest it and absorb the nutrients, leaving me feeling cold and empty inside.

Fuck you, little gremlins, for making me eat family size bags of Cape Cod kettle chips in one sitting.

Fuck. You.

Being afraid of the Diva Cup

I know, it supposedly works like a charm, it’s a ‘life-changing device,’ it makes periods so much easier, et cetera, et cetera.

But do you really expect me to jam that big hunk of plastic up into my lady bits? No, thank you. Tampons are intrusive enough without me having to shove the Dimmsdale Dimmadome against my cervix.

I am in awe of you brave ladies who manage to do this three to seven days every month – you have earned my respect and my utter confusion.

The desire to make squeamish men uncomfortable by making extremely blunt comments about your period

Y’know, simple statements like, “My vagina is bleeding” or, “My uterus feels like it’s eating itself.”

Sometimes, seeing a guy friend cringe in horror at your frank dialogue gives you a brief moment of satisfaction in an otherwise miserable period—heh—of your life.

Want to make a guy really squirm? Call the process of the uterine lining being shed by its more formal medical term—’sloughing.’ Use that word, and you may never see that friend again.

Wanting no one to ever touch you again, ever

I don’t know about you, but when I’m on my period, I’m in a near constant state of discomfort.

It’s not always from cramps, nausea, or bloating—sometimes I’m just achy all over for no apparent reason. Combine that achiness and an increased irritation with my general surroundings, and I’d really rather not have anyone near me unless you’re a dog or if it’s for a hug and the occasional cuddle on my terms.

Hormones causing you to tweet regrettable things to/about attractive celebrities

Maybe I’m just making excuses with this one, but come on. I know I can’t be the only one whose attraction to Chris Pratt skyrockets when Aunt Flo throws my emotions out of whack.

If he or another hunky man meanders his way across my laptop screen while I’m on my period, I may become inclined to tell the Twitterverse just how good-looking he is. And then, days later, I’ll scroll back through my old tweets and pause for a moment of self-loathing. Then again, this moment is only brief because I still don’t disagree with what menstruating-me had to say about John Krasinski’s adorable smile.

Sadly, periods are a part of life from which the majority of women cannot escape.

Obviously it’s not remotely close to being the worst ailment out there, as women deal with it every month for decades of their lives and survive, but it’s still no picnic.

If it’s any consolation, at least you female readers can know for certain that you are not alone in your suffering.