When does Southern charm become unsolicited flirting?

‘You better be careful…pretty girls like you will melt in this heat’


Allow me to set the scene of my most interesting afternoon off from my summer job so far…

One lovely (burning hot) afternoon, I went out on my off time from my camp counselor job to enjoy some air conditioning, a glorious commodity I don’t get at camp, and mooch some free WiFi. At the Store/Cafe, I went to get some water, because every so often I make an actual effort at being hydrated. Over at the soda fountain was an old man with a decent paunch.

Camp counselor life

He had gotten some sort of soda, and filled the cup too full, so when he put the lid on the cup, some of the soda had gone onto the top of the cup. His solution was to take a straw and just noisily slurp up the soda on the top of the lid. So I go over to get my water, assuming he’s a normal, albeit slightly weird old man. And he was. Right up until he turns to me and says “You better be careful.” And then pauses.

PAUSES.

And continues with “…pretty girls like you will melt in this heat.”

I’m sorry, but what?

While it’s not catcalling, it’s still unsolicited, and honestly, unappreciated flirting, and this sort of thing runs rampant in the South.

In other circumstances, I might have laughed it off, and maybe it would have even raised my self confidence a bit. But in that situation, when I was alone, and it sounded like he was threatening me at first, it did nothing but scare me, and make me uncomfortable.

The only bright side of this event was how it got me thinking. Unsolicited flirting like this is pretty common in the South, and typically “gentlemen” are doted on by women, specifically mothers or other older women in the community because they lightly flirt with them. Flirting seems to be the best and quickest way to curry favor, but where is the line to be drawn to mark when it goes to far, or when it’s unwanted?

Dylan Anthony Thomas Larino, 20, Cary, NC

“All a matter of perception, I guess. I ain’t ever been much of a gentleman myself, but from what I’ve gathered it’s more so about friendliness and good manners rather than flirtatiousness.”

Kristen Powers, 22, North Carolina

“I have often viewed Southern Charm as a flirtatious or kind manner of speaking, but when it derides women/our strength/marginalized communities, then I believe it’s no longer charming. So for your example, I would not consider that to be an acceptable form of 21st century Southern Charm. It may have been accepted in the past, but, then again, that’s also when women couldn’t represent themselves or be independent and Jim Crow was in place. We know better now.”

Jake, 20, San Antonio, TX

“I don’t think there is a line where their flirting becomes unsolicited. By the time they start to really lay to on then anything they do is welcomed at that point, if they really are a gentleman of course. [in regards to the aforementioned event] I’m in the belief that he was probably just being charming and having a good time. But I am a man, and am of the belief that old people get a lot more leeway in their speech so take of it how you will.”

Emily, 20, Belton, NC

“I think it’s too much when it becomes overbearing or piggish.”

Basically, just like everything else, Southern Charm has evolved. We’ve moved past the unsolicited flirting, just like we’ve moved past the parasols and batting our eyelashes to get attention.

There are other, now better, ways to be a gentleman, like simply being nice.

Or maybe we’ve even just moved on from being gentlemen?