Why I stopped being a Christian

I was born and raised a Christian. We rarely went to church, but when we did, I was always the one who was at full attention. I wanted to be the best Christian I could be, even at a young age. I loved going to Catholic mass with my grandmother because she was so into it. She made me want to be like her – strong in faith, compassion and Christ.

I prayed every night for 18 years. I prayed about anything and everything, but as I grew older, I started to think deeper and ask questions. As things began to happen in my life, I would always ask “why?” and “how?” And though you’re never supposed to pray for yourself, I started asking “why me?”

By the time I was in high school, I had small inklings I was gay. By the time senior year rolled around, I knew it. I hated this. I hated who I was. I hid from it as long as I could and I even had myself convinced I was straight for awhile.

I did not hate it because I was scared of what people would think of me or that I would be rejected by family and friends. I was scared about what God would think of me. I was told all through my upbringing he would reject people like me.

This is when I began to realize I was straying from Christianity, but I was still a Christian. Like anyone, I had doubts, but my doubts began to outweigh my assurances. Yet as my doubts grew larger, my faith grew stronger…or so I thought.

As I began coming into myself and figuring out who I was while in college, I began to stray even more. I started to become a “bad” Christian. I was drinking more and partaking in things a “good” Christian would avoid. I got into some dark places and made some bad decisions (nothing terrible – don’t fret, mom!). I was still a Christian, but I was not as devout or obedient. I stopped praying every night and realized I basically only prayed when I needed something – a huge deviation from where I once was.

Throughout my life in the South, I was surrounded by Christians. The majority of my friends and family were Christians, and when someone wasn’t, we were enthralled and we’d ask them so many questions about their views. We were always genuinely shocked they weren’t Christians, though, which made me think it was never an option to leave it behind.

As my life goes on, I’m finding it harder and harder to believe in the Christian God. A lot of hard things happened in my life that have pushed me towards this decision, but being gay and coming out was my defining moment in the church. I realized I no longer wanted to be a part of something that did not accept me.

I do not want to believe in a God that is said to reject me simply because of the person I love. I do not want to believe in a God that allows for such hate in this world. Hate towards race, class, gender, sexuality and religion. Most importantly, I do not want to be a part of a community that rarely ever practices what they preach.

Kindness is a key part of Christianity, but I do not see that on social media when a supposed Christian makes a blatantly rude, disgusting and inappropriate post. I do not see it when the moms are sitting at their weekly coffee gatherings gossiping about every person in the community, but bless their little hearts, right? I do not see it when a huge public figure says he is a Christian, yet will reject refugees who are trying to make a better life for themselves and their families. I do not see it in this current world we live in.

I have told very few people my opinions on this, because it is terrifying and because I have been rejected. People have rejected my beliefs because they are so “sinful” and unheard of. The South is firmly planted in their Christian ways and its hard to go against these ways. I know other people who don’t believe in God, but they’ll never admit it because it’s so hard. It’s time people start understanding.

In college, students find themselves. They find their niches and figure out what they do and do not believe in, support, or agree with. We are all trying to figure out who we are, and for people to shame us because we do not believe in their god is reprehensible.

I like to think I believe in a divine being, but it is not the Christian God. I do not know what world religion I fall under, but why must we always be a part of a religion? Just because I am no longer a Christian does not mean I am judging you for being one, so why should you judge me for not being one? You have the undeniable right to believe in whatever and whomever you want, so why shouldn’t I?

I respect your faith. I find it honorable and remarkable. It just isn’t for me at this time in my life.