Everything you know if you hate the beach

‘I’m allergic to the sun’


I don’t love summer. Sure, it’s great not having to go to school (although now that I’m technically an “adult,” I replace days filled with classes with days filled with work, which are no better), but summer is filled with its own set of challenges. It’s hot, bugs are constantly being born and invading my home, and all anyone ever wants to do is go to the beach.

And the beach is, quite honestly, the worst.

Literally the only shoes you can wear that won’t get sand in them

I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone with this opinion, but if you say you like the beach, honestly who are you kidding? It’s hot, there’s absolutely no shade, sand gets everywhere, the ocean is filled with animals that you can’t see/hear/escape from, and there’s never anywhere to park. Unfortunately, those of us who hate the beach are in the minority: nobody understands us, or how rough we have it. So, for those of you who aren’t like us, here are a few things you should know before you invite us to your next beach barbecue.

You’ve faked an illness to get out of going to the beach

“I’m sorry, I can’t come to the beach today, I’m sick and I have to stay home and relax.” You always use this line and pray that no one will call you out on it or argue that the beach is probably more relaxing than you being at home, because there’s nothing else to do there besides tan and fall asleep.

You’ve faked an injury to get out of going to the beach

Whether it be a stubbed toe, a scratch you “can’t get dirty,” or a chronic bloody-nose-at-sea-level condition, if you don’t want to go the traditional illness route you know you can always choose the more fun injury road. And sometimes, depending on your level of dedication and your friends’ disbelief of your affliction, you’ve made this fake injury a real injury.

When you go you bring an activity

Sometimes you really can’t get out of it, no matter how hard you try. Maybe it’s a friend’s birthday, maybe you’re on vacation and someone guilted you into coming with them – whatever the reason, going to the beach is sometimes unavoidable. But that doesn’t mean you have to partake in typical beach activities, like going in the freezing water or laying on the burning sand thinking about nothing but your physical discomfort. Just bring your favorite novel or an activities book, and you’re guaranteed to have something to distract your mind from the torture that you’re currently experiencing.

I kept hitting people with this piece of kelp last time I went to the beach, and I haven’t been invited back since (success)

Saying “we can go swimming” is not an incentive

This is possibly the worst thing they can say. Why would you want to go to the beach to go swimming? You can do that in a pool: a nice, clean pool where you can see the bottom and know exactly what is swimming around (or under) you. Going in the water at the beach is just not enjoyable: it’s cold, it’s dirty, it’s filled with animals that you won’t be aware of until it’s too late, and it’s just all-around unpleasant.

When you’re dragged off the pier against your will

You don’t “get” beach sports

Beach sports are weird: most of them sound like the type of thing that could theoretically be fun somewhere else, but given the location they suddenly just become terrible (I’m looking at you, beach volleyball). And if the sport is something that can only be done at the beach? Well, just forget about it: you have no idea how to do it because you’ve never tried it, and you never will.

Who knew “sand boarding” wasn’t a thing?

There’s never anywhere comfortable at the beach

FIRST of all, there’s no shade. The sand is always too hot to relax on, so you put down a towel. But then the towel gets covered in a finite amount of sand that scratches you: it’s enough to feel but not enough to brush off the towel completely. When the sun and sweat grows unbearable, you might venture to the water, but the water always feels like freshly melted ice from the Arctic circle, so you can never stay in it for very long. And who EVER feels fully comfortable in a swimsuit?

Answer: No one.

When will you people learn that the beach just sucks? Unless it’s a dog beach. If it’s a dog beach… well, then we can talk.