The anticipated dangers of a textual relationship

Texting should be supplemental, not foundational


I love texting. It’s quick (unless you take three years to respond, in which case you’re the worst), it’s easy, and it’s a fun and casual way to communicate with people that doesn’t require you to *gasp* call them or *gasp* see them in person. And those emojis? How fun are they??

But, before you run off and get busy with various textual partners, it is important to note that texting can have a hidden dark side. Specifically in the role it plays in developing relationships. ESPECIALLY those of the romantic variety. Say what?? I know. At this point, you may be thinking, “You’re downright crazy! Texting strengthens a relationship!” Look, I know it may seem that way, but just hear me out. That theory is not always true. I have found there to be times when texting too often actually hinders relationship building.

Let me explain.

You meet a cute guy or gal and really hit it off. You exchange ze digits and send/receive the “hey, it’s (name)” formality text, potentially followed by, if you’re like me, the sassy salsa dancer emoji because she emulates everything I aspire to be.

After this, you receive the initial “I-want-to-hang-out-with-you” text in the form of “What are you up to tonight?” or “Are you going to so-and-so’s party?” You’re stoked to see this new person’s name pop up on your phone and you celebrate with a little “he/she texted me!!!” victory dance. Maybe you end up hanging out, maybe you don’t, but the important thing is that they texted you, right??

From here your relationship progresses to an occasional text here and there. Nothing crazy. Just some short “hey, what’s up” banter and maybe some other attempts at potentially making plans. But, as time goes on and you realize you like talking to this person, your text “conversations” get longer and more frequent. You start sending messages about random things that remind you of the person or of cool stories you think they would like. Texts transition from a few short back-and-forth messages every now and then to long, full-on conversations practically every day. You don’t even necessarily have a reason to text this person anymore; you are now texting just to text.

And so it begins.

All this may seem fine and dandy; however, once texting is no longer a means to an end (such as hanging out in person), but an end in itself, you enter dangerous territory.

At this point you may be thinking, “Wait a minute, doesn’t texting just to text show that you genuinely like talking to the person? Isn’t that a good thing?” Yes, that is a good thing. It’s awesome that the two of you click so well and enjoy sharing things and keeping up with each other.

However, problems arise once these texting conversations become your sole method of communication with this person. Texting should be supplemental, not foundational. Once texting becomes a substitute for actually hanging out or talking in person, trouble sets in. You make plans to see each other less and less until you don’t try to make plans at all anymore. You get lazy and think “talking” to them every day should suffice. Texts from this person go from being pleasant surprises to being habitual. Until, eventually, they are expected.

With expectations often comes disappointment. Since texting is your only source of contact, you get unreasonably upset if this person doesn’t text you one day. Is something wrong? Why doesn’t he/she want to talk to me? Did I do something? All these irrational thoughts begin to cloud your judgment, and you seem to ignore the fact that most people don’t talk every day. You find yourself constantly checking your phone to see a text from this person, only to be let down when one isn’t there.

Furthermore, you get so comfortable talking to this person from behind your phone screen that the few times you actually do hang out, face to face, it feels incredibly…awkward. It’s almost hard to hold a conversation. It’s as though the two of you do not know how to interact outside the comfort of the texting sphere. The interaction is made even more awkward by the fact that you think it should be easy. You have no trouble keeping up a conversation over text; everything flows so naturally, so why is it weird in person?

Why? Because texting takes a load of pressure off maintaining a conversation with someone. You have time to think about how to craft the perfect response. You can even phone a friend for help on what to say. You can respond whenever you want. Or, you don’t have to respond at all. With texting, you don’t have to deal with awkward silences or eye contact or any of the pressures that come with hanging out with someone face to face. And, it’s no secret that people are bolder over text and say things they probably wouldn’t say in person, so the person you’re used to talking to over text may be a different version of the person you hang out with in person. This disparity leads to awkwardness which then discourages the two of you from more face-to-face interactions in the future, thus perpetuating the problem.

Without also seeing each other in person, what can texting someone really lead to? More texting? Yippee! A textual relationship doesn’t allow much room for the relationship to grow into anything more serious, like an actual relationship. This lack of progress in the relationship can cause conflicts between textual partners, and texting is then used as a cop out that lets people have serious conversations over text that are best to be had in person.

Texts are often misinterpreted or come off to the receiver differently than how the sender intended, leading to more conflict. Screenshots of conversations are taken and sent to friends followed by a “what does this mean?” or a “what should I say?” before they are saved in the camera roll archives as evidence to be revisited and possibly used against the other person if ever the situation permits.

Texting relationships also enable you to dwell on or read too much into things because you have the whole transcript of your relationship with all its ups and downs ready at your disposal. You can literally read the formation of your whole relationship. That’s kind of crazy. Instead of remembering special times spent with this person, you are left only with the memories of times you read some words that this person wrote to you at some point.

Despite my appreciation for texting, I do think that it should be used less for full conversations in themselves and more for quick anecdotes or for the purpose of arranging plans to meet up in person. Text me to tell me where to meet you, not to tell me your life story. I want to hear that in person. “I’ll be there in 5,” or “I’m outside,” or “Do you want to go get food?”or “Come over.” THAT’S what texting is good for.

Quick and to the point. I like it.

Invitation to HANG OUT. Score.

The best text I’ve ever received.

As a serial textogamist, this is advice I’m trying to take myself. But, I have found that hanging out with someone in person rather than texting him or her all the time makes the relationship feel a lot more real. You get to know the person in a much more rewarding way, one which texting just doesn’t allow. So maybe try putting the phone down and instead go knock on doors and hang out and be people and get bagels and be present.

And then if you do decide to become textually active, remember to practice safe texts.