It’s time to realize makeup tutorials are total nonsense

I tried out three to demonstrate


I’m sure that all of you gals agree with me on this one: we don’t put makeup on (necessarily) to look damn good for boys, but to look damn good when we’re looking at ourselves in the front of the mirror.

I mean, sometimes I pass by a car, and see the reflection of my cheekbone so perfectly highlighted that I’m like, “Screw you, Beyonce, look at me, I look hooooot.” However, shortly after, there comes the depressing phase: while scrolling down my Twitter page I see all of those makeup tutorials where the girls’ eyebrows look hotter and sexier than my whole body.

The problem is that, whenever I try to reproduce that same eyeliner wing or nude-palette shadow on my own face (even following the same exact steps) I end up looking like an aspiring porn actress dressed up as a folkloristic sexy fairy. This ain’t good. So I questioned myself: do I actually look better without makeup or is it me who definitely can’t put fancy makeup on?

I decided to give it a try.

Smokey eyes

So as you can vividly notice, rather than looking like a hot top model walking down the Victoria’s Secret fashion show red carpet, I either look like a football player who just got punched in the face by the other team’s quarterback or an angry raccoon who just got his food stolen. Either way, my eye doesn’t send the “come talk to me, I’m cute” message, but it shows off an intimidating “get out of my fucking face” sign. Smoky eyes challenge: failed.

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Nude palette with winged eyeliner

Theoretically, what the nude palette should suggest is the idea of a nice and flawless girl who apparently doesn’t need bold colors to enhance her eyes, rather she just needs a little eyeliner and soft shades to express all of her beauty. Then there’s me: I swear that what I see in the mirror is a bad fake version of Rapunzel. Specifically, the Rapunzel who got drunk last night and wore too much makeup before going out to the club.

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Fake eyelashes and badass brows

Let’s take for granted the fact that I can’t put on fake lashes. Then, let’s move on from that and focus on my eyebrow: does it look good? No. Did I follow the steps online? Yes. What went wrong? I have no fucking idea. How comes all the girls posting makeup tutorials have brows so perfect not even Rihanna compares? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that I hope my mum doesn’t walk in right now because she’d laugh at my face. I look like a cartoon.

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So you’re wondering now: what’s the point to this? I’m gonna tell you: people gotta stop posting all these videos online of perfect makeup faces and contouring and brows and lipstick and shit because people like me who think they put makeup on well get stressed out.

And honestly, I like the way I put makeup on, so screw them all with all their fake lashes and fake brows and fake lips and Kylie Jenner lipsticks. When I wake up next to my boyfriend he tells me I look hot as hell and in that precise moment I’m wearing no make up. And you know what? HE’S RIGHT. I’m hot so keep your Naked 3D 4D 5D 2 PLUS XL such wow palette to yourself.

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