A summer style guide for the perpetually sweaty woman

Alright, fellow furnaces, it’s that time of year again. The time when you’re constantly having to fluff your shirt out from your torso so the fabric doesn’t cling to your dewy skin. The time when you have to fight off the urge to hiss at anyone who says, “Wow, it’s so hot out! I love it!” without a hint of sarcasm. That’s right—it’s summer.

I am a perpetually warm (and therefore sweaty) human. It’s a trait I’ve inherited from my mother, who, as a result, has always kept our house around 65 degrees Fahrenheit year round. I generally prefer weather that’s somewhere between 40 and 60 degrees, so when temperatures start to creep up into the 80s and 90s, I am not an especially happy camper. But, since the hot weather is here to stay for the next few months, I’m forced to take a number of necessary precautions in an effort to stay at least slightly less sweaty.

Here are some of the tricks I’ve picked up over the last few decades to make my summers a little more bearable:

Bag Essentials

Some strong-ass deodorant

If you’re anything like me—constantly paranoid that you’re starting to smell like B.O. because of how badly you’re sweating while out and about—deodorant is your best friend. If clinical strength works for you, go for that. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always do the trick for me, so I’ve had to find alternate means of staying fresh longer. For the last few years, I’ve been using Teen Spirit in the scent Girl Crush (my twelve year old deodorant, as I like to call it)—due to the fact that it’s probably meant for girls that are just hitting puberty, it’s pretty powerful. I’ve also found in the past that men’s deodorant works pretty well. Once you find a kind that works for you, apply that shit everywhere. Under your arms, on your lower back, on your inner thighs if you’re wearing shorts or a dress, behind your knees—wherever you’re at risk of getting the sweatiest, slather it on. It won’t always prevent you from sweating for long, but it’ll at least give you temporary peace of mind in knowing that you don’t smell like an onion.

Blotting pads and tissues are both vital

In addition to being a sweater, I also have a naturally oily face (isn’t my skin just the best?), so when you combine the two and add makeup and hot temperatures into the equation, my face often ends up looking like it’s melting off of my face. Blotting pads help to sop up the oil, and tissues help wipe away sweat as well as fix any raccoon eye that might’ve been developing from dripping eyeliner or mascara. If you have a minute to duck into a bathroom, tissues can also help to wipe off some of the sweat that’s been pooling on your back, under your arms, or in whatever other ungodly location on your body that you didn’t even know could perspire. (Tip: once you wipe away body sweat, apply more deodorant. I’ve made the mistake of not doing that before…never again.)

Keep a pad or two handy. Yes, I mean period pads

If, for whatever cruel reason, you’re forced to wear long sleeves on a 90-degree day, stick a couple of these bad boys to the insides of the armpits of your shirt. BOOM. No more pit stains. (The back of your shirt, on the other hand…) I once told a male friend and fellow sweater about this trick while we were getting ready to go out one night, and he actually decided to try it out for himself—since then, he’s used pads on other nights out as well as during professional presentations, and he’s never looked back. It feels super weird at first, but it’s so worth not ruining another shirt with your sweaty pits.

Remain in cool, dark places as frequently as possible

Time to live like a snake! The sun and the heat are not your friends. This is a war, comrades, and they are allies to your sweat glands. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so whenever you can find a place that’s relatively untouched by the sun and at a similar temperature to a refrigerator (maybe even considering sitting in a large refrigerator), stay there as long as you can. Sure, some people might think you’re kinda creepy for sitting around submerged in darkness, but THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Decide what’s more important to you: wearing dark colors to hide sweat stains, or wearing light colors to avoid more light absorption

This is the ultimate debate of summer fashion for sweaty women. I tend to opt for the former, as most of my wardrobe consists of various shades of gray, blue, and black. I’ve had friends stare at me in concern while I’ve been outside in a black tank top and say things like, “Bridget, you’re gonna be so hot wearing black!” YES, I’M FUCKING AWARE. But I’m going to be hot and sweating my flat Irish ass off regardless, so I might as well salvage a little bit of my dignity and wear something that won’t reveal just how much sweat is pouring off of my person.

Become a fan of fans

Keep one running in your bedroom at all times, and when you’re going to sleep, point it directly at you on full blast. Night sweats are the absolute worst, and fans definitely help to combat them. And whenever you see an unoccupied one out in public, I encourage you to run triumphantly towards it (you’re already sweating, so the running won’t do much further damage) and bask in its delightfully cooling glory. Again, your friends and family will probably think you’re weird, but at least know that you’ve got one person on this earth who won’t be judging you in the slightest.

Water, water, water 

This is important regardless of how much you sweat, but if you’re as sweaty as I am during the summer, it’s crucial that you stay hydrated, otherwise you’re going to feel sick as well as sweaty. Try to keep a water bottle handy as often as possible—it makes an enormous difference in how you’re feeling throughout the day. Plus, if you’re wearing a light colored shirt and are starting to show a little sweat through the fabric on your chest, you can use the excuse, “Oh, I’m so clumsy! I must’ve spilled water on myself while I was taking a sip from my water bottle a minute ago! Silly me!” and no one will ever have to know. It’ll be our secret.

Accept your fate

Unfortunately for us sweaters, summer is a pretty unavoidably gross time of year. But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit around being miserable for months—there are lots of ways of learning how to cope with being excessively perspirant so that you’re still able to enjoy yourself at this time of year, and hopefully these tips will be of some help.

Happy summer!