We asked guys and girls what they think flirting is

We, as ladies, tend to have pretty intense standards of what flirting really entails. To me and most of my girlfriends, flirting is quite obvious—staring at each other, giggling at everything the other person says, laughing at the funny and not-so-funny jokes, smiling way more than is socially acceptable, etc. Very clear, not-friend-like things. At least, I thought I knew when I was showing someone I was interested vs. not. In my experience, I tend to be “flirting” a good bit more than I think I am. I am admittedly a very outgoing and loud person, though. I like to crack jokes and laugh at them. I like to dance when music is playing and when it’s not. I like to talk to and get to know everyone. But I do not think that being outgoing should, or does, make me a flirt.

I consulted some of my girl friends about having similar experiences in which they were accused of flirting or were mistakenly come onto and blamed for leading someone on. We agreed that it was common, more so for some than others, but definitely a cultural issue, and apparently divide, between men and woman.

I asked some of my guy friends what they thought “flirting” entailed. Here are some of their answers.

Miles: “Like calling each other babe so like pet names or like making each other laugh and keeping a convo.”

James: “Smiling, eye contact, texting…”

Jack: “Haha tbh I don’t really even know anymore. I used to think it was pulling on a girl’s ponytail but I don’t really think that’s it. I dunno, I kid around with them and try to see how I can poke their buttons.”

Aik: “Honestly I don’t know because people tell me I flirt [with people I simply speak with] and I don’t think I do so idk.”

Alex: “It’s definitely more suggestive. Like I don’t understand how people call just talking flirting sometimes. That’s just conversation.”

Jay: “Playful fighting, direct compliments, um I guess rude jokes but they take it back. Overly nice, body language can give off the sign they may be trying to flirt. Uh in this day and age maybe the types of emojis, tone of voice idk.”

Joey: “If she’s laughing at what you’re saying, teasing you playfully, being touchy in a playful way (not necessarily sexual), and anything else that goes into that.”

Mark: “If I play around and tell you you’re beautiful or I touch your hand or hair, I would be flirting with you.”

Joe: “Laughing a lot, light touching of my arm or back or something. I feel like if they seem like over engaged during conversation or like a lot of eye contact.”

Buster: “Well guys always think a girl is flirting with them, which is a social problem that definitely needs to be overcome. [For me] if she blushes and kind of bats her eye lashes when we make eye contact, that’s flirting. If very deep eye contact is kept I don’t think it is flirting, but more so intrigue which is also endearing. Non-conspicuous touching is flirtatious to me as well even though it can also be innocent.”

So it seems as though men vary. Some seem to feel like any sort of interest in conversation (or texting?) is flirting, some think it’s more intimate conversation with compliments and lots of laughs, but some think it has to involve purposeful touching. I can tell you, from a woman’s point of view, that simply being engaged in the conversation does not mean I am at all interested in anything more than the topic in discussion. If I am laughing at you, it means you’re funny. Maybe I’m interested in the conversation because I was bored before we began to talk and you’re entertaining or maybe it’s an interesting topic. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have a similar conversation with my best friend.

I ran into an issue with this at a recent party. I was playing pong with a male partner and I was behaving as I normally would: laughing, cheering when we made a cup, and paying some attention to the things he said. I did, though, monitor myself to ensure that he did not fall under the impression that I was flirting. I made sure the only physical contact we made was the occasional high-five and that I didn’t look at him/into his eyes too much. I had to police myself because I know that too much interest, even just in the activity, can be seen by a man as flirting. I do not feel as though I should have to be so careful. I literally spent more time making sure I wasn’t too friendly than actually enjoying the game. BS.

Here’s what flirting is, as told by women.

Erica: “Conversation wise, if I am looking directly at you the entire time we’re talking and smiling and laughing at your jokes, that means I’m interested in you, but not necessarily sexually. If I get really giggly or start touching you playfully, that’s flirting. You will clearly be the center of my attention and I will probably look like an idiot on laughing gas.”

Carly: “Using body language and verbal language to try to talk to someone.”

Amanda: “I would say touching, making jokes/teasing them, specifically trying to talk to that person and asking personal questions and stuff.”

Maddie: “Smiling a lot, trying to make one another laugh, body language definitely, almost being too nice or being the complete opposite and playing hard to get.”

Harper: “Touching the persons arm or chest or talking about sensual topics. When you’re eye fucking someone. When you want more than just a friend.”

Tasha: “Complementing a lot, being attentive to their interests and maybe playful touching. Lots of winky faces too! But at the same time, complimenting someone doesn’t mean flirting—I decided when I’m flirting. Basically, if you want to make a move just ask and don’t assume I’m interested in that way. Guys think everything is flirting because we see what we want to see.”

So, according to girls, it’s quite obvious. The girl will be making you the center of her attention, displaying clear body language like touching, and being, well, way too interested in whatever crap the guy is saying. To be completely fair, it is definitely advised to verbally clarify the situation before making a move. Just because I’m laughing and paying attention doesn’t mean I want you. It may just mean you’re a cool, interesting person or I’m really bored. Talking does not equal flirting. Even dancing does not mean I want anything romantic with you. I like to dance, that doesn’t mean I want to go home with you.

Finally, it is important to understand what is exhibited when someone is not flirting, on purpose. For example, if you’re talking to someone (of any gender) and they are hardly looking at you or looking around the room, they are low-key telling you to back off. Also, no interested girl is going to need to go find her friend in the midst of a riveting conversation. If she finds a totally ridiculous reason to leave your presence and/or has to a) take a phone call or b) use the bathroom and doesn’t come back to that exact spot, stop trying.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● At what point does flirting become cheating? 
● Every single girl he’ll tell you ‘not to worry’ about 
● Why you should always be the side-chick

@TheTab