What I learned when I stopped apologizing

I’m not to blame for things I can’t control


Merriam-Webster defines “sorry” as a “feeling of sorrow or regret.” But for some reason, I always found myself saying “I’m sorry” for things I neither regretted nor felt sorrow for.

I always felt this obligation, this incredible urge to say sorry if I didn’t like the same music as someone or if I got dressed up a bit and someone commented on how fancy I look. I always felt like I had to apologize to make others around me feel better.

Clearly, I was overly concerned with what other people thought.

Then I finally realized just how much I apologized. It seemed like every other statement out of my mouth was “I’m sorry.” It was time for an attitude change – I no longer wanted to be sorry for things I shouldn’t be. So, I decided that my New Year’s resolution would be to stop apologizing for being myself and for things outside of my control.

Little did I know how hard it would actually be. I had to keep telling myself to not apologize. Often, I would start to say “I’m sorry,” and just barely catch myself as I was about to say it. I never truly knew how much I obsessed with apologizing until I quit cold  turkey. The urge was so strong and for the first month, I struggled with remembering to not apologize and to keep myself from feeling sorry in the first place.

“It’s not your fault” and “Just be yourself and don’t apologize for it” became my mantras.

Now halfway through the year and my resolution, I still have to remind myself every now and then to dial down the apologies. I still have a slip up here and there, but the important thing is that actively training myself to stop apologizing has incredibly boosted my self-confidence and has made me a lot happier. My New Year’s resolution turned out to be a lot more work than I expected, but it also turned out to be much more of a self-learning experience than I anticipated.

It is ridiculous to feel bad about being myself

Just as I marvel at how someone’s particular set of life experiences and upbringing made them the awesome person who they are today, I marvel at how my very own experiences have made me the awesome person that I am today. I have wonderful friends, family, and memories; they comprise the being that is me.

And if these things make the quirky, individual person I am today, then it doesn’t make sense to feel bad about being myself.

If someone doesn’t like the way I act, dress, or speak, that is OKAY

Who cares if someone thinks I talk too much or go to bed too early? The people that truly matter don’t care. More importantly, I choose to do what makes me happy, and I’m the one who matters the most when it comes to myself.

Am I walking weird? Doing a victory dance? No one will ever know

Saying sorry only for the things I’m genuinely and truly sorry for means that my apologies are more meaningful 

That one time I said something not-so-nice to one of my friends? Or that time I totally forgot that I was meeting someone for lunch? I regret that I said something rude and I regret that I forgot about lunch.

Once I stopped saying I’m sorry for meaningless things, the apologies I do give are worth more. I’m no longer throwing apologies around like the candy at the bottom of the Halloween bag that no one likes; I’m saving them for situations that deserve my regret and desire to make amends. They are the king sized Snickers of my Halloween bag, if you will.

Being myself is so much more fun than being worried about what other people might think

I absolutely love any clothing or decorations with tiny animal patterns. I make weird noises sometimes. I laugh all the way through scary movies. Sometimes I’m stressed, sometimes I’m lazy, sometimes I’m hyper  — I don’t have to feel bad for the mood I so happen to be in.

A dress with birds on it? Yes please.

If I just let myself do all the weird things or be in whatever mood I feel like being in, I have so much more fun and am exponentially happier.

I am not to blame for things I can’t control

Instead of saying “I’m sorry that I got stuck in traffic and was late to dinner,” I take myself out of the position of fault and say something like “I’m sorry that the traffic was so bad, I would have liked to have been here on time.” Even something so simple as taking yourself out of the spotlight allows you to express your sadness at not being able to be punctual without subjecting yourself to self-blaming and self-villainization.

And when other people apologize for the service at a restaurant taking forever, or for my test going badly, I always try to remember to say “Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.”

I am sorry, however, that I didn’t let myself be myself 

After all this hard work learning to stop apologizing, I do still have one, really important apology- to myself. I am sorry that I never let myself do, dress, act, think how I truly wanted to, until now, because I was too concerned with what others thought. And I am sorry that it took me this long to figure it out.

I’m sorry if that sounded a bit cheesy… wait, let me try that again:

I am never going back to my old ways of saying sorry over and over and over again. Maybe it never gets easier to get rid of my “addiction” to apologizing, but as long as I keep reminding myself, I’ll only be happier and more confident.

Dog shirt? Check. Happy? Check. Winking game? Eh, no check.