It’s not OK to tell me I’m ‘not like white girls’

In high school, I had an Asian friend who was dating a white boy from a different school. One day, she told her boyfriend about me. As soon as he found out I was Asian and single, he was eager to introduce me to his younger brother. Since I was not interested in a relationship, I politely rejected the offer.

However, my friend and her boyfriend were persistent. My friend said, “Just talk to him. You might actually like him.” The next thing I knew, I received a text message from his brother. I felt rude ignoring his text so I eventually responded, thinking, ‘What the heck. Let’s just go with the flow.’

We talked about everyday things such as school and hobbies. It seemed like the conversation was going pretty well… until the day he and his brother said, “I only date Asian girls.” Strike one. “You guys are not like white girls.” Strike two. “White girls are too opinionated.” Strike three. Out.

I made it clear to my friend that I did not (and never will, even if I end up becoming the queen of the forever singles) have any interest in dating someone with yellow fever – a fetish that infantilizes and hyper-sexualizes Asian women. I am proud to be Asian, and I would be a different person without that part of my identity. However, if someone is interested in me JUST because of my ethnicity and the fantasy that they have created around my ethnicity, they are not seeing me as a whole person. (Now, I am not saying that you automatically have yellow fever if you have an Asian partner. It is a matter of how you view your partner and other people of Asian descent.)

My friend understood why I felt uncomfortable with the fact that they “only date Asian girls.” However, she did not grasp why “You guys are not like white girls” is also problematic. She said, “Take it as a compliment. Seriously though, white girls can be too loud and bossy.”

No, “You are not like white girls” is not flattering. It is rather offensive to both white AND Asian women.

It reinforces the notion that women need to constantly compete with each other

The statement degrades a certain group of women (white women) in order to “compliment” another group of women (Asian women). It tells one group that they are valued because they are “better” than the other group. This applies to most comments of “You are not like ____ girls,” which create unnecessary divisions between women.

Why are women constantly compared with each other? Why are women so frequently put into unwanted competitions? Why are women told to demean other women in order to feel good about themselves?

It ties both white and Asian women to certain stereotypes

The remark generalizes white women, groups them all together and calls them dogmatic. Meanwhile, Asian women are also put into another, different category. The statement portrays Asian women as “good” girlfriend material because they are “un-opinionated” and “un-bossy,” going back to the old stereotypes that Asian women are quiet, obedient and submissive. And “You Asian women do not have strong opinions and do not argue back” is hardly a compliment.

It labels women who raise their voices as “opinionated” and “bossy”

Men who raise their voices are considered “charismatic.” Then, why are women who are confident and just as charismatic so often called “stubborn” and “pushy?” If we label determined women as bossy, we are telling women to be silent… or to raise their voice only to the point that does not disturb men.

After talking with my friend and texting the guy for another day or two, I knew I had to let him know I was not interested. However, I did not directly confront or criticize him since he was still the brother of my friend’s boyfriend. Instead, I did not put much effort in making the conversation flow, and he eventually picked up the hint. I was (and am still) not sure whether this passive-aggressive method was the best choice, but I was just glad that the uncomfortable situation was over.

I have seen heated debates on the Internet on whether the “preference” for Asian women is racially charged. During these discussions, many people also compare Asian women to white women in order to “prove” their argument that they are simply attracted to certain “cultural features.” Even in real life, I have heard numerous acquaintances and friends of varying ethnicity and gender subtly claiming that they “know for a fact” that Asian women tend to be a certain way while white women tend to differ.

However, that was my first time meeting someone in real life who explicitly said “I only date Asians” and “You are not like white girls.”

Although some people, including my friend, thought the incident was not a big deal, I just could not pretend that everything was OK when it clearly was not. They may have thought I was overreacting and blew my chance to date someone just because the guy said something ‘a little’ offensive.

However, I refuse to reduce myself to stereotypes and overlook misogynistic comments just so that I can date someone. Call me oversensitive, but I love myself, and I know I deserve more.