I refuse to go on Tinder dates

This Tinderella won’t be meeting any Prince Charmings at the Ball

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*Swipes right* “It’s a Match! You and (insert typical boy name here) have liked each other!”

Score! I love instant gratification.

 

Tinder then does this cute thing where it tries to convince me I should opt to “Send a Message,” rather than “Keep Swiping.” It will throw me some quote like, “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take,” or “You’ll never meet 100 percent of the matches you don’t message.” To which I respond, “Duh, Tinder. That’s the point.”

I have no interest in meeting anyone from Tinder. I think of Tinder as merely another game on my phone, requiring the same skill set and mental acuity as Fruit Ninja. It’s a way for me to mindlessly pass the time while rewarding myself with a superficial and short-lived ego boost. I’m not hoping to meet my soulmate; I just want to know if that cute boy thinks I’m cute too, and then we can bask for a hot second in our mutual appreciation of each other’s cuteness before we continue on with our swiping adventures.

For a long time, Tinder itself perpetuated the idea that it was more of a game than a real dating service. Until only recently, the options after getting a match were to either “Send a Message” or “Keep Playing.

I never send messages first. This isn’t me conforming to some traditional gender role ideal that claims the man should make the first move. None of that shit. If I want to talk to someone, I have no problem initiating the conversation. I just never even think to start one. I get caught up in the “game” aspect of Tinder, that I think of these men more as “points” than as people.

In the event that one of my ‘suitors’ does try to start a conversation, I usually don’t respond. I’m sure he is a great guy, but the riveting “Hi” “Hi” “What’s up?” “Not much” dialogue  just doesn’t do it for me like it does for some. However, if a guy starts the conversation with something witty or silly or slightly more attention-grabbing than the typical “Hey, what’s up,” I usually play along and see where things go. I like fun conversations. They’re fun.

I have actually matched with some really cool people on Tinder. And that’s why I hate it.

I’ll be having a fun conversation with someone #wittybantergalore, and then I’ll have the realization that, hey, this dude is cool. I like talking to this dude. But then, he throws what, for some, would be the obvious next toss in a potential relationship, but for me is the game-ending pitch:

“What are you doing tonight? Do you want to hang out?”

NOOOOOO.

You want to hang out with me? In person????? Why? Why did you have to ruin our little Tinder dream world by making this shit real??? *deletes Tinder account and throws phone off bridge*

I shouldn’t be surprised by this question. That IS the whole point of this app after all, isn’t it? To find people online that you would want to meet in person. It is technically a dating app. That implies that actual dates are to be expected.

But I don’t want to go on dates. I mean maybe I do, but not in this way. I think part of me still perpetuates the stigma around online dating. I know that I shouldn’t, and I know that a lot of people have found really great relationships from it. I applaud them. I just think I’m much too awkward for it.

What if this guy isn’t what I expect him to be? What if I get there and this guy actually sucks? Or worse, what if he’s nice but I’m just not into it? Then I’ll have to come up with a million and one excuses to evade any future date plans because Lord knows I can’t be upfront and simply tell him I’m not interested. Confrontation is not my strong suit.

Or worst of all, what if I’m not what he expects me to be? The idea that some guy already has expectations about what I should look like or be like before he has even met me freaks me out. I don’t want him to be disappointed if I don’t match the pretty picture in his head (or in my profile). At least when a guy asks you out in person (does that happen anymore?), he knows exactly what he’s dealing with. You can be like, take it all in, this is me. This is who I am. And he can be like, cool, I gotcha. So, coffee? But with Tinder, you leave it all up to chance.

In the end, if someone asks me out via Tinder, I either stop responding completely, or continually come up with excuses to ensure I am never “available” to meet. I realize that this course of action is pretty irrational. If I think a guy is cool over text, chances are he’s probably cool in person too. And, just because I agree to meet him doesn’t mean I have to marry him. On the other hand, maybe something real could come out of it. Maybe I should give it a shot. Buuuut, in my mind, all the bad “what-ifs” outnumber the good “what-ifs,” and you know the saying – majority rules.

In my last Tinder experience, I decided to be honest when a guy I was talking to eventually asked me out. I know, right? I told him I just don’t go on dates with people from Tinder. He tried to persuade me, and this time, surprisingly, it almost worked. I thought he seemed really cool, and part of me did want to meet him. But, my insecurities took over and I wouldn’t budge, so eventually he said, “No date? No conversation.” and UNMATCHED me. And, just like that, he was gone. I guess that’s fair. But also, hello? Angsty or what?

I wish I could tell you I finally took a chance and went on a Tinder date. I wish I could tell you it went great and to keep your July schedules open because we’re thinking summer wedding? But I can’t. I still have no intentions to go on any Tinder dates now or ever. This Tinderella won’t be meeting any Prince Charmings at the Ball. That was stupid. I think I’ll go delete my account now.