I live in the ‘barbecue capital of America’ but I hate barbecue

First off, I’d like to ask you to refrain from any death threats over my opinions on barbecue.

While that may seem a crazy request, the 10-year-old I nanny recently told me, “You’re stupid and I hate you,” after I expressed my opinion on the Southern meat. She also said what I’m sure a lot of you are thinking right now: “It’s hard to imagine how someone couldn’t like barbecue.”

When I share this opinion with others, they tend to launch into a bit of a barbecue rant.

Gail Vivar from Temple University told me: “I love BBQ more than I love chocolate.” Emily Davis from Duke University had a similar opinion: “BBQ is my life. When I’m at home, I literally eat it 4 or 5 times a week.”

So, how could I ever have such an opinion on the traditional meal? I obviously hate the South, right? To be honest, I don’t have a super strong argument – I just don’t like it. For the record, I’ve only tried North Carolina barbecue, so I’m open to suggestions.

First off, pulled pork is a disgusting texture

Judith Medrano, a student at Appalachian State University said: “I’m vegetarian now, but even growing up, I couldn’t stomach the smell. Something about ‘pulled pork’ just unsettles me.” See? I’m not crazy. Even the words “pulled pork” put an icky taste in my mouth.

Barbecue sauce is too spicy and people treat it like holy water

I’m a spice lightweight. People down here put the stuff on legitimately everything. They make it and sell it and buy it like no other, and it’s frustrating beyond belief.

Frankly, I’ve just had terrible experiences with it

I went to Cardinal Gibbons High School in Raleigh, which just happened to be up the street from a nasty barbecue restaurant. Everyone wanted to go there. They catered all our events. AKA, I was surrounded and suffocated by it on a weekly basis.

Not to mention Gibbons also made their own in-house sandwiches in the cafeteria for lunch, pictured in all its disgusting, wet glory above.

So, there you go. Basically, that was just a glorified way of me saying I don’t like the taste. Which to me is perfectly reasonable, but it just happens to be pretty dang blasphemous thing to say around here.

Yes, I’m proud to have lived in the South for the majority of my life, and there are so many typical “Southern” foods that I want pumped into my veins forever. (Please give me Bojangles for my last meal.) I hope my dislike for barbecue doesn’t make you assume I hate all things Southern. Because that is not the case, y’all.

Keep inviting me to your BBQs – I promise I won’t complain.