Everything you need to know before going on spring break

Spring break. The blessed week in March when there’s no school and it’s time for some relaxation and ideally catching some rays. Or ya know, going to some overcrowded beach with half naked college co-eds in a state of inebriation where you’re not sure what day it is or when the last time you slept was (you probably didn’t).

You’ve had your fair share of daylongs. You know what you’re doing. I know you know what you’re doing. But there is a big difference between the confined walls of a fenced in frat yard and the expanse of beach in PCB or Puerto Vallarta or wherever you’re lucky enough to be blowing your/your parents money. So we’re here to prepare you to survive your spring break with limited casualties, arrests, STDs and beyond.

Bring sunscreen

Your mom told you. Your dad told you. Your doctor told you. Now I’m telling you. It may seem like an after thought when clearly your outfit for each day and night is more of a priority. But you’re going to be drunk in the sun all day and odds are fairly high that you’ll pass out at some point. Now we are faced with an even greater logistical nightmare than just being burned to a crisp. Sure, they’re you’re good friends, but even good friends pounce on the opportunity to embarrass you by drawing all over you. And now you’re not only sunburnt but have a distinct pale outline of a penis on your face. Trust us, that’s not a good look for anyone.

Wrap it up

I hope more than anything that you’re getting it in all week be it with your SO or that kid from your STAT class freshman year or that rando on the beach who was kinda good lookin and like it’s spring break so why not? Moral of the story is, use a god damn condom. They’ll literally be throwing them at you, take some. Who cares if it’s some weird knock-off brand condom, you should be coming home from spring break with a nice tan and a Pineapple Willy’s cup not an STD or an illegitimate child with that guy Steve… or was it Craig?

Just because it’s vacation doesn’t make tequila any less evil

This may seem like a given, but we all need a reminder every once in a while that we’re not in fact invincible. Remember it’s a marathon not a sprint. And although I know that will be forgotten five minutes into your week of shenanigans. Shots are a deadly reminder of our mortality and alcohol tolerance. Don’t be an idiot. Because one way or another you’ll end up paying for it.

Hydrate (with something other than alcohol)

Water, your old friend. Drink it.

Don’t risk drinking on the beach in PCB

There was a time when alcohol was flowing on the beautiful (beautiful being a loose term) beaches of Panama City Beach but cops love to ruin everything (probably for our own good). Keep it to the bars/decks or have fun explaining to mom and dad why they need to come bail you out of jail (Answer: you don’t know how to read signs/follow the rules).

You almost definitely won’t need that book

When’s the last time you read drunk other than to cram for that exam you forgot about? Leave it at home.

Or your laptop

You’re not going to need it, so for your own sanity and your laptop’s well-being, leave it at home.

Or those five extra pairs of shoes

Seriously just fucking leave them at home.

Keep a tight grip on your phone

Losing your phone is a nightmare. Losing your phone while drunk is an even bigger nightmare. You’ll find yourself crying uncontrollably and thinking maybe just maybe the more you cry, the more likely your phone will be to show up again. It won’t. So don’t lose it in the first place.

Now may be the time to invest in a portable charger

The only thing almost as bad as a lost phone is a dead phone. So instead of walking home alone cursing out your friends because how could they possibly be so selfish to allow you to get lost just because she was talking to that boy and now you have to miss that free T-Pain concert… moral of the story – you can lose friends over a dead phone. So keep it charged and save yourself the trouble.

Take pictures while slightly sober

Let’s be honest, if you’re doing it right or doing it wrong, depending on how you wanna look at it, you probably won’t remember much of this week. And unless you want the only documentation of your mini-vacation to be the footage of you flashing your guy friend’s go-pro, try to take a few pictures with your friends at those brief moments of clarity. As for the rest of the pictures of you that weekend, bury them in a deep dark hole and make a mental note to keep your eyes open when you’re drunk.

Remember that you are in fact still a broke college student and not a pimp

You already spent plenty of money on this week, limit your spending whilst there as much as possible. Sure that decorative and excessively large drink looks beyond tempting, but I can almost guarantee if you were sober/still at school you wouldn’t be so content paying an arm and a leg for it. You took D.A.R.E. This is what they were talking about. Just say no… or get someone else to buy it for you.

Don’t miss your flight from drinking too much

The plane won’t wait for you, it’s a simple as that. Pro tip: if you think nursing a hangover in your bed is bad try doing it crammed in an airplane cabin a mile up in the air.

Just because they yell ‘tits out for the boys’ doesn’t mean you have to get your tits out for the boys

May seem like a good idea at the time, but cameras are everywhere and you (and your boobs) don’t wanna be the prized picture some rando shows his grandkids when he talks about his glory days.

Don’t wander from the resorts in the Dominican

Punta Cana resorts may seem like a dream and they are, so avoid wandering off the grounds at all. Get a shuttle or a cab and have someone with you because beyond those walls and all-inclusive swim up bars, the grass is most definitely not greener.

Have fun

It’s spring break and it’ll never be (slightly) socially acceptable to be this big of an idiot again. For one time and one time only the term YOLO may truly apply. Enjoy, my friends.