Snobs in Birmingham will forever be the most tragic but best night out in the UK
Those themed nights
If you're anyone who knows anyone from Birmingham, then you've probably heard of Snobs. The likelihood is that their parents once went to Snobs in ye olde days, and that their kids will be going to Snobs in the distant future. The legacy of Snobs lives on, and remains as pertinent to a Brummie's personality as their tendency to say "mom" rather than "mum".
Here are some reasons why the legend of Smallbrook Queensway is actually a hot mess.
Nobody ever really plans to go to Snobs
We just sort of end up there. You start off small – you'll share a pitcher at The Dragon's Inn with a few mates and decide where you'll go after later on in the night. Those few mates become a dozen, with another dozen plus ones, and of course a few others you bump into at the bar. "Where are you going later?" you ask. "Snobs!" they say. Great. Your last hopes of going to Nightingale's crumble into a billion teeny tiny pieces, as you realise that this Saturday is going to end up exactly the same as every other Saturday. At Snobs.
It's always busy as heck
If you're under five foot, you might as well accept defeat now and consider death as the only feasible sweet release from this sweaty, cramped, noisy nightmare.
You'd think that with four bars, three floors, two smoking areas, and one huge stage, there would be enough room to fit everyone in the West Midlands and their Nan.
But, you were wrong. Before you know it, you'll be scrambling from the second floor bar to the disco ball dance floor desperately trying not to spill your double vodka and coke. Wednesdays are called Big Wednesdays for a reason. And, if you thought Big Wednesdays were bad, try Christmas Snobs. Or literally any other themed night.
Those themed nights are something else
Snobs are notoriously tacky with their themed nights, with Christmas being the best, and Harry Potter being the worst. Though the nightclub themselves put in a poor effort in terms of decorations, there are some noteworthy moments from guests. A moment to appreciate the man I once saw dressed in a fully body gold gimp suit. This was a solid attempt at trying to be the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter, and it was beautiful.
Say goodbye to clean, dry clothes
And say hello to sticky, damp rags. Nothing is more frustrating than someone not only pushing through your group of friends trying to get closer to the DJ, but simultaneously spraying your perfectly planned outfit with some other-worldly concoction that stays with you for the entirety of the night.
The wall of faces – a blessing, and a curse
Why is there a ghostly wall of white faces on the ground and top floors of Snobs? Nobody really knows, but if you get drunk enough you might just go all Dr Doolittle on us and try to ask them yourself. They shamelessly integrate themselves into everybody's night out, and if you say you've never had a photo with them, you're lying. There is always that un-orderly queue surrounding the wall to take said photos.
You will definitely get silly drunk
And you will do something stupid. And you will probably regret it the next day. There must be something in the air at Snobs because never have I ever seen so many drunk people in one place. You'll fall over, cry, smother some random person you met at the bar. But it's all in good spirit, right? A tactical chunder in the second floor toilets and you're good to go.
You will inevitably have a good time
If you've got a nice crowd of friends and you lined your stomach well, Snobs definitely isn't the worst of places to wind up in. It's a pretty good fallback and, as the place is more than likely immortal, will always be there for us.
Remember when everyone randomly chanted 'ohhhh Jeremy Corbyn'?
Snobs is for the many, not the few.