‘I managed three weeks of term before giving up’

Have you struggled with mental health issues whilst studying at York? This February, we want to publish your positive or negative experiences of dealing with the university's mental health services.

If you'd like to tell your story, you can email us confidentially at: [email protected]

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Diana's story

'If you are struggling, don’t tough it out. Don’t do what I did.'

I dropped out of York Uni three years ago because of mental health issues, and I want to share my experience to highlight how the way I tried to deal with it was wrong.

I had my first real panic attack the night before results day. I failed to get my first choice uni, by a matter of about four UMS. I accepted York as my second choice because I thought I would like the city. Lots of admin followed, as did more panic attacks. I had never been very outgoing so the idea of Freshers' Week was a nightmare to me. I grew so anxious at the thought of going away from home that I became unable to eat and sleep properly.

My first mistake was ignoring this, putting it down to 'normal' nerves and pretending everything was going to be fine.

I made it to York and was put in a flat with a dozen lovely people. Almost before my parents had left campus I was researching what support was available. I made it through Fresher’s week and maybe the first three days of lectures before I started to crack.

I stopped eating, stopped sleeping. I lost a lot of weight. I stopped leaving my room, I was so frightened, so paralysingly terrified all the time. I spent hours crying, sometimes on the phone to my mum, sometimes alone, hoping my flatmates wouldn’t hear me and worry.

My biggest mistake at this point was not getting help. I knew something was badly wrong – self-harm and suicidal thoughts had started to set in – but I had no experience with these sorts of problems. I had never had help for depression before. I didn’t want to worry anyone, or be labelled as "sick", even though I was.

I managed three weeks of term before giving up. I remember the call I made to my mum – she was the one who said that I needed to come home. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t cope, not to myself, not to my parents, or my friends. Everyone went to uni. I ought to be able to deal with it. But I also remember the feeling of relief when she said that my dad was going to come pick me up.

Even at this stage, I didn’t want to admit how bad I was. I lied through my teeth to my academic advisor, telling him that I was taking a break, that I was intending to come back later. I’ve always been good at bullshitting, and I pretended harder than I have ever done in my life.

I made it home again, in the end. I got therapy to sort out my self-esteem and anxiety issues, I went on anti-depressants to lift my mood. With a huge amount of patience and help from other people, I picked myself up and I tried again, and I’m now in my final year at a different university, happier and stronger than I’ve ever been.

What’s the point of this story? I wanted to share how not to deal with mental health issues at university. If you are struggling, don’t tough it out. Don’t do what I did.

Get help. Use the resources available. Be honest. You deserve help, and you deserve to get better.