Here are all the signs you might be living in a ‘sad boy house’
If you don’t live in one, you definitely know someone who does
When a collection of messy, lazy, male students live together under the same roof, the house becomes a monument to their gross lifestyle.
No effort will be made to make the house their own. No artwork will be hung from the walls, no extra touches to make the place theirs, like you would see in your typical girl uni house.
When they eventually leave, after the mother of all clean-ups of course, it will be as if they never lived there, except for the cardboard box the wifi router came in lying discarded on the floor.
This phenomenon is otherwise known as a sad boy house.
To specify, a sad boy house doesn't mean the people who live in the house are sad – more accurately, their acute lack of hygiene and general don't-give-a-shit attitude about the place they live in makes everyone who visits a little bit sad.
Here is a handy guide of all the symptoms if you think you, your boyfriend or your mates are falling victim to the sad boy house epidemic.
someone please help me organize my emails so they are not the online version of sad boy house
— Steebert (@compostsaladman) July 10, 2017
There's always one shitty, torn poster in the living room
It's usually a movie poster, something like Scarface or Pulp Fiction. Sometimes, if you're a slightly more cultural sad boy, it can be a piece of famous art. However, it's almost always ripped and almost always a bit crap.
Everything becomes an ashtray
Most sad boys, but not all, usually smoke. Combining the sad boy laziness and the amount of cigs they get through means that a lot of ashtrays are required. Mugs, plates, stray tinnies, even the tops of uni textbooks will be sacrificed to the nobler purpose of carrying cig buts.
There are plates that have been left unwashed in the kitchen for so long that they've started to grow new species
The pile of plates beside the kitchen sink have been there since before time began. Nobody claims responsibility, the plates must have silently cooked a half-eaten curry by themselves in the night. All everyone knows is that the food stuck to them is never coming off.
The sinks are always grim and nobody quite knows why
The kitchen sink is always blocked because somehow a whole bag of pasta has found its way in there. The bathroom sinks always have a grim yellow stain around the top, a combination of grime, toothpaste and (hopefully not) piss.
Girlfriends are disgusted 9 times out of 10
Either that or they're just as disgusting as you are.
The collection of empty, unwashed beer bottles to illustrate the fact you drink loads of alcohol
This is also a staple of your traditional first year fresher legends, but sad boys find they also want to show off how many beers they can drink, that they haven't lost their touch. "This one has a nice hoppy flavour, and this one made me so fucking pissed lol."
The bathroom floor is covered in stray pubic hair
If you find it too much effort to trim your pubes over the toilet and properly flush them away, you're probably a member of a sad boy house. Here's a tip: never risk putting your towel on the floor or you'll come away with a much hairier back than you started with.
As you can see from my router on the dirty floor next to a throbbing gristle LP and a towel it is a real sad boy house. pic.twitter.com/Xcv2G2vxPv
— John Macgowan (@john_macgowan) December 29, 2017
A bottle of £1 Imperial Leather shower gel is used as hand soap because what's the point in soap anyway
This can be interchangeable with the bottle of Lynx shower gel your Mum got you for Christmas. Cost-effectiveness is key to the sad boy lifestyle, even if it may cause you to get ill once a week.
The kitchen/garden is filled with rubbish because you've missed bin day for six weeks straight
If you forget every Tuesday that it's bin night then you're definitely pretty miserable boys. As time goes on and the house slowly becomes more uninhabitable, you'll almost become proud of how many gross bin bags you'll manage to collect.
Cleaning is a competition, whoever breaks first loses
"Day 54: It's been three months since we cleaned, and the pile of crap in the living room has become my new home." Nobody wants to be the first one to cave, but sooner or later you'll hear a housemate scream "THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING SHITHOLE" after he's been unsuccessfully searching the kitchen for clean cutlery for half an hour. Yeah, it's probably time to tidy a bit. Taking the bin out is just not an option, however precariously placing more and more items on top of the bin becomes an Olympic sport.
viewed the grossest dirtiest sad boy house, it smelled like jizz, had a STACK of infinite jestS, alcohol as decor,,,,, why are men this way
— smithall (@YoSmithall) June 29, 2017
House viewings are a scary time
"Fuck boys we've got a house viewing this week, cancel your plans for the next 24 hours." A common cry up the stairs or a post on the group chat, a house viewing is like a call to the headmasters office for a sad boy. Pray your landlord never knows how badly you treat his property.
If you feel most of these apply to you, then I'm afraid to say you are indeed a member of a sad boy house. To all girlfriends and friends of the sad boys, be supportive, caring and do whatever you can to help them live their life without judgement. And to my fellow sad boys, nah it's calm we'll clean the house tomorrow.