Just about everyone you’ll hate on a night out in York

With exams finally nearing the end, I bet you’ve pretty much forgotten what actually happens on a night out.

To jog your memory, below is a collection of pretty much every irritating person that you will come across on a night out, as related by students at York. Everyone knows most of these people and can probably tick a fair few off the list themselves. Let’s hope you’re the pretentious playlist guy, and not the creep.

The one who wrecks people’s possessions

Everyone knows that a night out can get messy, and that when drunk, people aren’t necessarily the most well-coordinated folk. However, there is also a general understanding that my kitchen is not an anger management class. Whatever qualms you have brought with you, please don’t take them out on my furniture, clothes or (and I can’t stress this enough) anything made of glass. This is what traffic cones are for.

The one who plays music that no one else knows

We all know this one person. Forever the DJ… the playlist pro. Everyone thinks they must know what they’re doing because they’re always talking about unusual, exciting music. Honestly, we’re intimidated. For the first fifteen minutes you all enjoy the music, you might pick up the chorus and try to sing along. Yet, no one can escape the horrible truth: Your playlist is making us uncomfortable and no one knows the words. We just want to listen to ‘All Star’.

The one who uses ‘Never Have I Ever’ as a personal confessional

Never Have I Ever is usually a fairly awkward game. If you don’t know the players very well, you have to test the water because you don’t want to upset them. If you do know the players, you already know everything anyway. But still, there is something everyone loves about this game. And yet, as usual there is always one person who takes it one step further because they know they’re a crazy kid. Eventually you all give up because you are on the fifth round of only them drinking to a scenario like, “never have I ever had four threesomes in the same day”.

The one who loves to cheer and chant at just about EVERYTHING

Where do I begin? Everything, from entering a room to getting chucked out of a club seems to warrant very extreme celebration. I like to celebrate as much as the next person, but going on nights out is starting to confuse me because we have to cheer everything as an initial response before figuring out what we actually think. Someone falls over… cheer… oh wait that’s bad. Someone pulls… cheer… err… yeah that’s good. Do I celebrate if I win the lottery, or buy a sandwich because I just don’t know anymore?

“Let’s just go for one drink”

The one who loves to touch up girls, probably on the dance floor

It seems fairly clear cut to me. In fact, I’m pretty sure it is obvious to most sober people. But for some reason, as soon as some guys drink, they completely abandon their moral principles. Obviously, it is not okay to grind on a stranger without their consent. Obviously, it is not okay to grab someone’s arse because they’re wearing a short skirt. Just because you can see more of her body than you would in normal clothes does not mean you have any kind of claim on it. Please don’t be that guy.

The one who can’t queue

I don’t want to get patriotic here, but queuing is one thing that we are really good at in Britain. We literally queue for anything, even if you don’t have to. We queue to the point of insanity and we bloody love it. Unfortunately, as soon as we’re on a night out we can’t even remember how to stand up, let alone do it in a straight line. People nip in front of you saying, “yeah all 20 of us are friends with this guy,” whilst the guy looks vaguely threatened.

The lone wolf

There’s nothing better than getting the whole gang together for a really good night. Your tune comes on and everyone’s screaming the words and busting some moves. But suddenly there’s that one guy that nobody knows who has joined your group in what he would consider a seamless manner. He’s dancing and laughing and trying to get everyone excited about the song. The problem is, nobody has a single clue who this guy is. He is the ‘lone wolf’ of the club. If it were a theme park, he’d be in the ‘single rider’ queue. He seems way too confident to have no friends- but if he has friends, why is he out on his own? Something just doesn’t sit right about this chap.

The over-zealous DJ

This one is not for the clubbers- this one’s for the DJ (and yes, I’m talking to you, Kuda). “Did anyone know it’s Katie’s birthday today?” YES. Yes, actually we did know. Because that is the FIFTH TIME YOU’VE TALKED OVER A SONG TO ANNOUNCE IT.

The one who chunders… Everywhere

We’ve all done it, we’ve all been there. Sometimes you’ve had too much and it’s just got to happen. But for the life of me I cannot understand why (even if you are absolutely steaming) you can’t just vomit in a corner outside like everyone else. And please, if you think it’s likely that you will chunder in the next few minutes, DO NOT GET ON A BUS. If you’re coming home early because you’re ill, you are probably on a bus full of people who have had a pretty mediocre night; this will not be improved by having to step in your sick as they try to get home.