Someone made a guide to hooking up at Warwick and it’s the grossest thing you’ll ever read

An anonymous student(s) has written a guide telling Warwick students how to have a “successful night out”, because apparently the effort they’ve seen during club nights has been “close to pathetic.”

So far, the post has 315 likes and 300 comments, with students commenting that “some people have way too much time on their hands” and that “the Incels have infiltrated Warwickfessions.”

And they might just be onto something, because the advice it gives is suspect to say the least. Don’t believe us? Here’s a guide to reading “Warwick Hookups 101: A complete handbook to a bro night out” with all the icky bits highlighted for your reading… pleasure?

1. The +2 Rule

According to the guide, the purpose behind this rule was to “create the general essence of the kind of girl you should look out for”, which is pretty grim already.

The rule stresses that every guy needs to know where they stand on the (very scientific) 1-10 scale, and says that: “Knowing this, before one should judge whether a girl is out of his leagues, have a panel of bros judge her on a 1-10 scale.

“If you were a 6, for example, it is still very possible to get an 8, however a 9 would not be considered in your league. The reason behind this is because girls generally are less shallow than guys. There are other factors. Like personality and whether you give her that good dick.”

So, yeah. We’ll just leave that one there.

2. Charity Theorem

Whoever wrote this isn’t just a player. They’re a philosophical player. Oh, joy. This rule explains that “The Charity Theorem is a mix between the force of nature and your enhanced standards.

“Let’s say you get with a girl who is a four and in reality you are a 7.

“She is not considered to be of your league and you will be made fun of. Because of this you will be rewarded with someone who may be above your league in the future.”

So, according to the author, if you decide to slum it with a “4”, then the universe will, eventually, reward you with someone out of your league in a turn of karmic justice. This, of course, is not only grim as, but also makes absolutely zero sense. But whatever it takes to get a couple hundred likes on a uni confessions page, right?

 

3.  Half song rule

This rule is pretty self explanatory, stating that “Let’s say you lock eyes with a girl and you want to go for it. So you try and dance with her and she agrees to do so.

“Do not go for the kiss 2 seconds in, have a little bit of fun and tease her a bit.

It is proven by a study that the more you kind of have your fun with a girl, keeping the mystery of it all, the more they will be more attracted to you.”

All we have to say is: “What study?”

4. Desperation Exception

This rule says that: “As night slowly turns to day, more and more people in the club who has not gotten not gotten with anyone will grown desperate.

“Because of this, the chances of you getting with a girl who is not in your league could significantly increase as well.

“However, this is risky as most of the girls looking for a hookup will be taken and most of the leftovers were not interested in getting with anyone in the first place and there will statistically be more guys than there are for girls which will increase your competition.”

There is just a lot to work with here, but we’ll stick to the basics. If you’re referring to anyone as “leftovers” then you are well beyond the help of a guide, and should probably evacuate the clubbing scene forever. For all our sakes.

 

5. Fuck Smack Thursday

Not much to say about this one. The author just whines about how hard it is to “get with someone” on Smack Thursday, and advises people not to even try. Duly noted.

6. The Accommodation Redemption

The rule says that: “Being in an ensuite, you will find it way easier to pull as girls feel more comfortable in knowing that you have your own toilet after a night out.

“A double bed will add to this attraction and you will statistically have a higher chance with a girl if you could somehow casually drop which accommodation you stay in. Bluebell is a plus.”

Can any Bluebell residents confirm? But seriously though, where does this guide get its statistics? We’re dying to know.

7. Push pull levels of attraction

This one is short, sweet, and mind-bogglingly grim. It states that: “The name says it all. In the song, push the girl while you spin her, then once she’s spun, pull her close to you. Afterwards, just watch the magic happen.”

You’ll be waiting on that magic for a long time, buddy. We promise.

8. Honourable mentions

The guide then concludes (thank god) with several honourable mentions, which are somehow worse than anything we’ve read until this point.

One rule, called “Easier Peasier Pop is Squeakier”, states that: “Pop is by far the easiest place to get a hookup/lay.

“Circling gets them fucked and it’s just convenient to go over to someone’s accommodation and just have a fuck afterwards.”

Well that’s pretty vile, not to mention illegal. It goes without saying that if you need to get someone “fucked” in order to have a decent night out, you should probably be in therapy, not POP.

The guide also calls attention to the “Crazy- Hot Girl Scale”, which states that: “The hotter she is, the bitchier or crazier she is…the girl has to have the same crazy level as hot level to be considered market value…”

Again, it’s hard to articulate just how deeply gross this “advice” is. But, let’s be clear, referring to a girl’s “market level” is just insanely grim.

So, on that bleak note, this walk-through draws to its close. And, whilst its easy to feel speechless during times like these, we offer you one last piece of advice. No matter how bored you are during quarantine, or how much spare time you have on your hands, DO NOT write something like this. Like, ever.