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Here are all the best places to poo at Warwick, tried and tested

Asking all the wipe questions


I know what you're thinking. You've already read the infamous shitter's guide to the best places to shit in Warwick. You're well aware of campus's hidden gems. In short, you know your shit. But ask yourself, are you sure about that? Have you trialled the delights of every toilet Warwick has to offer? And have you rated them definitively after doing so?

I thought not. But don't worry because the Tab has done all the dirty work for you (literally). Now grab your loo roll and take a look:

Library ground floor:

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An undiscovered gem

When I say library toilets, what springs to mind? Deadlines? Nervous shits? Fear? WRONG. You should be thinking about luxury, privacy and space.

The ground floor toilets, located next to the library cafe, are a shitter's dream. Each cubicle comes equipped with a toilet (duh), sink and hand dryer. In other words, you can shit in peace.

There's a consistent enough traffic flow that the place isn't eerily silent, which is important when you're dropping a loud one. What? Sometimes stuffing a wad of loo roll down the toilet just doesn't cut it. But it's quiet enough that you'll never have to wait in a queue. Overall, it's just *chef's kiss*

Rating: 5/5 – Had a delightful shit in here, will definitely be back soon.

The Oculus:

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Almost too fancy

It's hard to knock the Oculus toilets. They're clean, spacious, and nice to look at. The green-on-black colour scheme is oh so autumnal, but something just isn't right in here. It's less of a physical experience and more of a vibe.

At first, I thought it was all in my head. But then my stomach got stagefright and, try as I might, I couldn't produce a shit. I never thought that a toilet could be intimidating, but maybe this one is.

I'll come here again if I'm desperate, but honestly I'm in no rush.

Rating: 2/5 – cute colour scheme, terrible vibes.

The Humanities Building:

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mmm space

The humanities building is no stranger to public ridicule, so it's no surprise that their toilets have a bad rep. Ostensibly, it's an obvious conclusion to make; there are only three cubicles per toilet, the hand-dryers aren't Dyson (persish the thought), and there's almost always a questionable smell lingering in the air.

But I think that's what makes the humanities building the perfect place to shit. We already know they're not great, so what difference will your shit make? There's no pressure here, no expectations. This is the perfect toilet for a dump and run, and I respect that deeply.

Rating: 4/5 – If you're gonna drop something truly toxic, this is the one.

Library first floor

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If we're sticking strictly to the shitter's guide, this isn't an ideal spot to empty your bowels. Why? Because it's packed, like, all the time. What does that mean for you? One word: culpability, my friend. There's no way you're gonna be able to drop a nasty one and slip away scot-free. Not with a queue of impatient fellow shitters waiting to judge your every move. I'm sorry to say it, but this isn't a toilet – it's a social experiment. Don't waste your time.

But, on the positive side of things, the lighting in here bangs.

Rating: 1/5 – This is more of a "I come in here to think" kind of toilet. Be warned.

Physics Building

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If you're looking for the ultimate, exclusive shitter's spot, this is the one. Located on the second floor of the Physics building, it's a rare gem indeed. The signs pointing to the women's toilet lead you to a single cubicle. Here, you will have all the privacy you need to do your business.

But, be warned! There is only one toilet, which makes this a hot spot for fellow shitters. You'll have to get in and get out with maximum efficiency, or run the risk of more condemning stares. I'd suggest popping in between lectures when traffic is low, if you want to get super technical with it.

Rating: 2/5 – High risk, high reward, baby!

Ramphal Building

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This toilet is OK. It's a bit vanilla in terms of shitting experience, but if you're in a pinch it will do the job.

Perhaps the most fundamental problem with the toilets in Ramphal is the spacing between the floor and the stall. It's just too wide. Like, unsettlingly wide. I'm fairly confident that someone could slide under the gap and into your cubicle with ease. And whilst I know that's not a wholly rational thought, there's a lot of time to think when you're on the shitter and it's a spooky prospect.

Rating 2/5 – Get longer doors, I guess?

SU

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Toilet or studio? You decide.

When I first went to try out the SU toilets for this article, I wasn't expecting much. I thought they would be in a similar vein to the Ramphal building: a so-so shitting experience. But, wow, was I wrong. It turns out that the SU toilets are just full of steaming hot goss.

If you're there for long enough, your ears will be graced with all the the news of the day. It's like TMZ for toilets, and I can always appreciate a bit of in-flight entertainment.

At one point, the person in the stall next to mine started sobbing, which leads me onto my next point nicely: the acoustics are fantastic.

Rating: 5/5 – come for the shit, stay for the goss

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So there you have it. You might not put a lot of thought into where you shit, but I challenge you to change that. Lord knows you're probably footing scary water bills in your student house, so why not come and abuse the university's facilities in style? I shit you not, you wont regret it.