The shitter’s guide to the best places to shit in Warwick
One small step for wees, one giant leap for poos
I am a man who enjoys the simple things in life. Whether that be a nice, warm bubble bath listening to Bublé, a cheeky Nandos with the boys, or a pint of Pimms on a hot summer's day. But the greatest pleasure of all is taking a really good shit.
There are many toilets in Warwick, some good, some bad, some ugly. And so in this article I will attempt to advise you where to head on campus when you just need to have a really good shit.
Ah, the Oculus. In my time of need, you were there. I was sitting in a seminar, finding out why Louis XVI was a bit of a willy and suddenly I felt the urge. I rushed downstairs and there you were, sitting there ready for me.
The Oculus is blissfully clean, and has funky hand dryers for you to enjoy after your shit. Really, it is a no short of a sanctuary. Whereas other toilets on campus have dodgy locks and wet floors, the Oculus is always clean, always tidy, and therefore always my first choice.
Rating: 10/10 – pooptacular
No one likes the Humanities building. Its long endless corridors and beige, sickly aesthetic make one instantly feel uncomfortable, and the toilets are no different.
There is always some wet substance (one would imagine it to be urine) by the urinals. But worst of all, these toilets are cold and lifeless; one does not take their time to do a poo here but rushes it out so they can leave the disgusting toilets as quickly as possible.
Rating: 3/10 – Like taking a squidgy shit after a dodgy curry
Geographically impractical, Millburn House's toilets are, contrary to popular belief, an absolute delight. The toilets are clean and large with ample space for pacing up and down whilst choosing a cubicle. The men's toilets are just next to a science lab so not only are you doing a poo in a spacious, clean area but one just next to a room in which intellectual innovations are being discovered. Thus, pooing in Millburn House is not just sanitary but intellectually stimulating.
Rating: 9/10 – A Newtonian poo
Where is the Avon Building? What is it? Why should you know? You shouldn't know; it's in Westwood and its toilets are certainly not worth the trek. They are small, claustrophobic and dilapidated. For those actors who have to go to Avon to rehearse, just walk back to central campus to use the Oculus. It's a far better experience than dealing with the Westwood toilets.
Rating: 1/10 – a constipated, hard, long, drawn out shit. Like the walk to Westwood.
Look – is there any point in me rating toilets through an arbitrary system that no one's gonna care about? No. My advice to you would be, in the words of the Bible, "Go forth and shit". Try out these toilets for yourselves, see what they are like and enjoy them or hate them. Toilets are a wonderful invention and i urge everyone to try taking a shit in every possible location on campus. Just don't shit on the floor. No one wants that. Or don't shit your pants. That's not pleasant for anyone.
Join me for part two where we'll be examining the toilets in WBS, The Library and the Copper Rooms before and after a night out.